Yesterday Didn't Happen

Not the way it was supposed to, anyway.

That is, I did not have the procedure to start my nerve stimulator trial. Because - Covid 19 invaded the house. And quarantine ensued. 

No leaving the house means no procedure. For now. Trying again in mid January.

It’s okay, really. I was actually becoming really sad, even borderline depressed, that I was going to go through this trial and have said trial end the day before Thanksgiving. 

I don’t know that I’ve ever really explained in detail how this trial - vs. the actual procedure - actually works. So let me do that...

When one is chosen as a candidate for a nerve stimulator, there are many steps in the process towards actually getting it done. The main thing being that they first test out, with a trial period, whether or not this stimulator will actually work for you. So you have a procedure done where leads are put into your spine, much like an epidural is placed for a woman in labor. Once the leads are in, there’s a device taped to you back that controls how much your nerves are managed to stop the pain message from getting to your brain. This trial, where the leads are in and the device is taped on you, lasts 5-7 days. Days during which one should experience much less pain, theoretically. If this is, indeed, the case, then you may decide with your doctor that you want to go ahead with the actual procedure. So then you schedule a different time altogether when you will have that done. And that’s when the device that was taped on your back during the trial is placed inside your abdomen via a surgical procedure. 

Basically, you have the trial so you know darn well that this thing you’re having done is actually going to work. 

And so, as you can imagine, one should experience 5-7 days of relatively pain-free living during the trial period, assuming it all works as it should. But then the trial is over, the leads are removed, and you are back to living in pain from that day on until whenever the permanent procedure takes place (which could be weeks to months later.) In fact, I would say you’d most likely experience that returned pain as worse pain than it was in the first place, because you just had several days reprieve from it. So when it comes back it just hurts that much more. 

And my trial was scheduled to start yesterday, the 20th, and end on this coming Wednesday, the 25th. The day before Thanksgiving. Which would have meant an incredibly pained holiday for me. A day that’s supposed to be fun and festive and wonderful would most likely have been anything but, to me. 

I was truly not looking forward to that, as you can imagine. A major bummer.

So, I guess in the end, the fates took care of that worry for me and took the whole thing off the table. Trial now scheduled for January 15. Good to go - looking forward to it!

And I just keep on keeping on. I’ve been in pain this long, what’s a little bit longer? Best to make sure I’m healthy and 100% up for my trial to take place. It’s all for the good, all meant to be. 

And for now, my job - and the job of everyone in the house - is to abide by safe living practices, keep our distance from one another, and get through this as best we can. Hubby and I have been out of work for a week and a half now, with one more week to go. By then our household should be well and truly past this and life can go on. 

The break from work has been nice. But I can think of way more exciting ways to spend a work “vacation” than what’s been going on here. But then again, given the situation we find ourselves in, it could be waaaaaay worse. It’s not that awful. We’re all getting by. Surviving. Thank goodness. 

So, that’s my update. Not the update I was hoping to report today, but an update nonetheless. 

I’m reminded of a comedian’s comment I once heard. Don’t remember who it was, or what else he was talking about in his routine. But he was saying how he always loves when he’s next in line. He’s next! It’s happening! It’s almost his time! After all that waiting in that long line, he is finally next! The anticipation! The excitement! NEXT! Yes!

Well, I’m next, baby. Nerve stimulator trial - I’m coming for ya! I. Am. Next! And nothing’s gonna stop me now. 

All the Feels

I’m here to write, but don’t know what to say. 

I guess I’m just glad for a brand new day. 

All the emotion, the pent up stress, the gloom -

I feel it releasing, yet coming too quick, too soon.

And it’s not just the race - Biden vs Trump. 

Although when I think of it, there’s certainly that lump

of pride in my throat, a weightlessness, a calm

It’s like our whole country has been soothed by a balm.

But aside from that there’s also this COVID-19. 

This thing that has controlled our lives, or so it seems.

And with that, the holidays! And how to proceed.

Do what people want, or what we need.

What I need, and Hubby, and Swee

Despite others saying, “all’s just fine, listen to me.”

Am I crazy taking this seriously, listening to science?

Or is the media and my peers making me biased?

Others say, “Don’t worry, news just tries to scare you.   

It points out the worst, but they really have no clue.

We are safe, there’s really nothing wrong,” 

Yet this virus is sometimes silent and often strong.

It’s not that I don’t trust, don’t love, don’t miss you.

It’s just that I want us all to be safe - that’s the issue.

And not just us, our dear ones, our fam.

But everyone I pass - we’re all on the lam

from Corona, and we just can’t know how to proceed.

It could not affect me, and - God forbid - it could lead

To your death, and I just won’t have that be.

Not on my watch. Keep us all healthy, if not happy. 

Let me stay safe, as I keep you.

And together we’ll gather when we’re truly able to. 

Okay - you think that’s it? I’m not done yet.

See, I’ve got this pain in my back that just won’t get.

But I’ve a date with my doc! November 20th’s the day! 

My trial for relief will begin - hurray! 

Cuz it hurts so much, y’all. It really does. 

To be finally pain-free - can you believe it, Cuz?

Hubby says I’m a martyr, that I just always “take it”

Without others ever knowing how much I can’t make it

another day, another step, another minute. 

Well, the game has arrived and I’m aiming to win it! 

Honestly I just want to go to the store, 

Take a walk in the woods, yeah, and so much more.

Man, I’m hoping this works, so many have had success.

It’s my turn now, yes it is - YES!

I’m betting on a pain-free holiday.

One where I’m truly thankful and can say, 

I’m free at last! I can do! I can live!

Oh, how happy I will be when I can give

all my focus, all my care

To the ones I love. And to not give a tear

to these aches, pulls and pains

Ahhhh, I’m hopeful I’ll see no remains.

Wish me well, please wish me luck. 

That I’m well and promptly pulled from the muck

And the mire, the terrible pit of pain goo. 

And I can let go of the pride that controls my boo hoos.

Tears of joy, of relief, just - you know - relaxation.

That’s what I need now - a new sensation.

My body, my brain, my heart, my soul. 

Just, ya know, no more toll. 

So anyway, that’s it. That’s all. It’s all there.

The country, the virus, myself - I’m aware

Of the changes that are coming! So good. So great!

But all of it still so unsure - so we wait.

There is hope, that’s for sure, but we just can’t know.

Just hope and trust it all - every bad thing - will go.

From the personal to national to worldwide...

So much is at stake. We must set our mind, 

believe in ourselves and do not waiver.

And can I ask just this one small favor?

We may not agree in lots of big things.

But we can get along fine if we all give wings

to love. To trust. To just trying to make things right. 

By working together and saying goodnight

to the struggles and strife that’s lead the way

for so long. Let’s just be done with it, okay.

Let’s come together and support this land, 

Our families, ourselves, and...

Find the peace we can take to our hearts. 

I don’t know - it sounds like a pretty good start

to healing - our country, ourselves, the earth.

That’s my thoughts  I’m done. For whatever it’s worth.