In The Now

Here I am again, blogging outside as I watch Sweetie have some bike time. Here to make sure I'm close by if something goes wrong, but also able to take some time to get my thing done. I am a pretty good multi- tasker. My years working at the newspaper taught me that. But I gotta say, this past week has really made me realize the gift of being "in the now."

This week was my first week of working multiple jobs. eBay product listing most mornings, office administering in the early afternoons, then finishing up with call center work into the early nighttime hours. Throw in a few hours of tutor training & you now have a pretty good vision of what last week looked like for me.

This week will be much the same, until next week when I give up the call center hours on Mondays in favor of actually taking on a student to regularly tutor at that time. Yay!

Each of my jobs have very specific duties & responsibilities. Each one requires my utmost concentration - especially during this learning phase I'm in with most of them. I can't be thinking about how to help my exam prep student succeed while I'm making calls to people & reading from a prescribed script anymore than I can think about how to better promote my boss's seminary school while I'm in the middle of writing a snazzy description about this here blue sweater or shimmery button down dress shirt. All very separate, all very important jobs in their own ways.

And then there's home time. 8:20 comes around and I'm arriving home just in time to visit with Sweetie for a few minutes and look through her backpack with her before tucking her in to bed & reading another chapter of her bedtime book to her, if it's my night to do so. And you know it's my absolute pleasure to do so - leaving behind all the stresses, problems and worries from my day so that I can give my full attention to her & completely enjoy my fair share of Sweetie-provided hugs, kisses, noses & poses.

Finishing up the day with Hubby as we watch some T.V. & talk a bit about our day. So nice to be home with enough of the evening left to relax with him before heading off to read in bed.

Then it all starts over again in the morning, with the added a.m. responsibility of maybe working on some spelling homework with Sweetie if she didn't have a chance to get to it herself the night before.

Yes, it sure is handy to be able to get several things done at one time. But sometimes it's definitely nice to stop & appreciate the concentration needed to give your all to just one thing, blocking out the rest of the world for a bit of time.

Especially, I gotta say, the coming home to those you love part. Letting them know that now you're here & the only thing you care to do at this time is to be with them & hear about how they are.

And to know for yourself that, no matter what happened during your day, even if it wasn't the best of days because you may have made mistakes or upset some people, you still have this wonderful family who loves you always, whole-heartedly, every single day.

Blogging From the Outside In

So right now, as I write this, I am outside on this beautiful New England fall day watching my proud Sweetie enjoy herself to the hilt as she rides her new, bigger bike WITHOUT TRAINING WHEELS! Wow! That's right! I can hardly believe it!

Yesterday we were given this bike by a family at church whose older daughter has outgrown it. No training wheels attached. We tried to attach the wheels from Sweetie's old bike, but quickly saw that she relied too much on these too small "helper" wheels, making the riding experience actually dangerous. She'd have to just go out there & learn. Just do it!

So after angrily debating with Hubby about how these lesson should continue after the one miserable loop he did with her while hanging on to Sweetie as she rode, we noticed something... Sweetie was on her bike & had just successfully pedaled herself a short distance. Wow! Do that again! Now see if you can go farther. You did it! You're riding!

Well, that was easy.

Just a few tips from Daddy on how to safely jump away from the bike when it falls, and she's good to go. Still - can't yet be outside on her own with it just yet. But otherwise, she's proven herself a good, safe rider who's made an awfully quick study of all this! Yay, Sweetie!

And as for the story of how we came to acquire this bike... That's another "wow" of a different sort.

Trying to make this as short a story as possible... after our very enjoyable potluck dinner last weekend, Hubby & I gained a lot of knowledge from our friends about where to find some help with the things we need (inexpensive or free food & clothes) as well as the confidence & "approval" that it really is okay to ask for help when you need it.

So, with that, I hung up a sign the next day at church, displaying our need for Sweetie to have a bigger bike.

Not 2 hours out of church & we got the call. Someone's daughter had well outgrown her bike & we were welcome to it. Yay!

I'm so thankful to this family as well as to so many other families & individuals who have helped us this week.

To an old friend/co-worker who told me about a PT job opening where she works her 2nd job. I start there tomorrow.

To the owner of a local tutoring company who called me in after receiving my resume. Or should I simply be thankful to the universe on this one? I think I was the right candidate at the right time interviewing with the right employer. I go in for training sometime later this week.

To another fellow church friend Hubby & I had the honor of getting to know better at last week's potluck. She could use some help with getting more items up faster on her EBay store. If I help her with that, we could both profit from the increase in items sold at her site. I've been helping her for almost a week now.

To the host of the potluck who gave us lots of helpful info, including a reminder of another friend who always has fresh fruits, veggies & breads available at her house - clear outs from a local large farm stand. Perfectly good food they're taking off their shelves to make room for new product. Now available at this other location, free to anyone who's interested and in need. We've been there 3 times this last week. Surprisingly good stuff!

To my parents, who didn't complain when they found out they unknowingly let us "shop" their house for needed groceries while they were away last weekend. And, of course, for all the other ways, big and small, that they've help us so often.

To my aunt who sent Hubby & I a thank you gift for checking in on her cat while she too was away last weekend. A too generous monetary gift. Just nearly the perfect amount to allow Hubby & I to go out for that anniversary sushi dinner. So we did - & had more than enough to pay for it when we included the money Hubby's grandparents sent us to help us celebrate our day.

And to Sweetie. In case you didn't know, Sweetie makes me one proud mama. For her smarts & creativity & general "great" attitude about life itself. But for this post's Sweetie pride, I'm focusing on Sweetie's simple happiness & her unassuming generosity. Sweetie doesn't care that her new bike isn't truly new. She doesn't care that much of her clothes are hand me downs or from the consignment store. She doesn't complain about having soup night after night for dinner (making homemade soup is cheap.) She thinks nothing of us going "grocery shopping" at our friend's driveway instead of the real store. And she rarely, if ever, fills the air with whines and wants whenever we pass by a store's toy aisle or she views certain kid-centered commercials. All she knows and cares about is that she's well loved, she eats enough & she has some fun toys & books to entertain herself with.

Not only all that, but she's just as happy & understanding when we pass along her old clothes, toys & books to others who can use them better than she can. In fact, this giving & receiving among friends & family - and strangers in need - is really a very natural part of her life by now. (I gotta say, it made me feel sooooo good yesterday to find out about some specific items my SIL could use for her daughter and to know that, yeah, we have that... and now you're welcome to it!)

What better gift can you give to your child than the gift of empathy, gratitude & knowing the joys in simple pleasures?

What better quality can you see shining through your child's eyes than simple happiness, generosity & understanding.

Better Together

"Here's a recipe for Apple Brownies. We don't have apples, but we have the peaches from our tree that you canned. We can make this.

Oh, but we only have half as much butter that's needed, and the same with eggs. We literally only have enough money this week to pay the bills due - and in some of those cases, only a portion of the total amount. So I was really hoping we could make something for the potluck tonight that didn't require us to spend money at all.

Well, we can substitute half a banana for the egg we need. And use oil for what butter we don't have. Sure! This is totally doable. Let's make it!"

So, using most of the sugar my mom gave us yesterday, as well as all the other substituted and not substituted ingredients already in the house, we worked together to make a very yummy smelling Peach/Blueberry Blondie (can't really call it a brownie, now, can I? Seeing as there's no cocoa in this or the original (old family) recipe.) Haven't yet tasted it, but I dare say our little experiment has worked itself out quite nicely.

We'll be able to tell just how yummy it is when we serve it this evening at the newly formed Common Security Network potluck dinner - a small group of church folk who, like us, are looking for support and assistance, in any way possible, with our common financial struggles. Not yet sure exactly how this group is going to function in its support, but that's what this first meeting is all about. Coming together to exchange ideas and figure out the best way for this Network to proceed.

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Ever since this summer, when Grampy jokingly suggested it, Sweetie has wanted to be an ear of corn for Halloween. Her idea before that was to be a robot. But the corn idea was a good one, and very unique. But I warned Hubby (the creative one) that he better get on the making of this costume sooner rather than later - or it'd never happen.

Well, it hasn't happened yet. And now more than half of what I brought home for income has been taken away. Parts we should have already bought to create this costume have not yet been purchased. And the whole thing really needs to be done by mid-October, not the end, because of various holiday festivities we'll be attending where dressing up needs to take place.

And so I gently suggested to Sweetie that I didn't think we'd be able to make a corn costume this year. Would she mind us helping her think of something else she could be instead?

Her surprising response? No problem! She didn't mind if she dressed up like a robot, or a vampire, or a witch, or computer, or - basically - whatever. 

Phew!

In the end, we've now all very happily settled on a new idea. A very punny idea. She's going to be an Elevader. What's that you ask? Well, it involves a Darth Vader mask and gloves (yes, parts that we will have to purchase, but hopefully not for too much money), a fabricated bellhop uniform, and a created elevator button display board around her neck. Totally awesome, huh? I'm thinking it's all going to turn out fantastically!

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A friend invited me out to coffee or lunch later this week. A friend who's been through some pretty life-altering stresses of her own recently. We both could really use a couple hours together to visit with each other, vent to each other, and try to forget about all the troubles. I wrote to her that, given my recent job loss, I didn't think I could afford a lunch out, but could swing a cup of coffee. So, it's on. It's a date. And I'm very much looking forward to it. At the same time, though, I'm looking at our finances and seeing that even a coffee is too much of a luxury this week. As I said above, anything beyond our regular bills this week pretty much cannot happen. I'm bound and determined to make it happen. It will happen. But I know I'll also feel guilty for spending any "extra" money we have on something like this.

But, really, it's the getting together with a friend I'm looking forward to most. And I do feel I need that. I'm certain she and I both will feel better seeing each other and talking out our woes for just a little while. 

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Next Saturday is Hubby and my 11th wedding anniversary. A date that had me insisting that we go out to celebrate at a local, very yummy sushi restaurant. It's been too, too long since we've been out at all, let alone alone together out for sushi! And this is "Happy Eleven!" It has to be done. The plan was made.

And then... I lost my job. So a sushi date that was completely within the budget just 2 weeks ago is now completely out of the question. Any kind of dinner out, actually, is now not able to happen. Now we basically have no means to fund any sort of celebratory happening - with or without Sweetie - to mark our special day. No movie. No dinner. No special trip anywhere fun. A nearby town is hosting a Pumpkin Festival that day. Something we can certainly go to and mosey around at without cost. But, really, that's something we'd probably do anyway this season. It just happens to be on our anniversary this year. What I was looking for was something out of the ordinary to do with my Hubby, and I just can't now imagine what that possibly could be when you also have to consider the "free of charge" portion of the equation. Hmph. At 11 years into our marriage, it's pretty depressing to think we're really no better off financially - and very likely actually worse off - than we were when we first began together. 

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Hubby was ranting a bit earlier this week. Railing about all he does and how tired he is. He works full days, far away, doing very active work. He goes running every other day - fitting it in by either getting up extra early or stopping during his long drives home in the afternoon to run several laps around a neighboring town's high school track. He cooks us our meals, even after these long, hard days. And, in his free time, he goes out to his wood shop to create items he can hopefully sell - now even more so, since I'm down so much pay. 

Yes, it's all so very true. He does work hard. Then he does come home and cook dinner. He fits so much into a day, and most - if not all of it - is for the benefit of Sweetie and me. He works hard for our little family. He's a great, great husband and daddy. And I find it - ironic? is that the word I want? - that ever since he and I started working together weekly on our budget, that it's pretty much been a terrible time for us in that regard. He was down some pay. Now he's struggling to get back, but my pay was cut. It's just not cool.

But his ranting, this week, upset me about what I bring (or don't bring) to the "family table." I bring home pay too! And it's not my fault I got fired because my boss got scared and wouldn't take the time to train me correctly and help me to improve! I don't have a skill, like woodworking, where I can just produce something and hopefully sell it. But I'm trying! I'm actively looking for a job! I can tutor and I've signed up again with the tutoring company that gave me students before. I can't control how quickly I'll get students, though. But I'm trying!!

Not to mention I clean up from his cooking and I manage most, if not all, of Sweetie's day to day needs. I'm a darn good mom, if nothing else. 

To all this... Hubby apologized. And he said, with all the honesty in the world, that he doesn't feel poor at all. With all the struggles we have - Sweetie hasn't a care in the world, and he doesn't feel poor. 

Neither do I.

Dreams of the future may turn into dreams in the night. And where you find yourself today may fall short of where you thought you'd be. But whether we dine on sushi, or create a recipe out of nothing... whether we travel to luxurious places or simply wander in the nearby woods... it's all so much better when we're together. 

Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart, like
Why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's so much better when we're together.

>

A Week of Ups & Downs

So. This week was... interesting.

Started with me being, let go (ahem... sounds so much better than that other word) from my afternoon job. Yeah. Rather all of a sudden-like. Not going to say much more on this. No burning my bridges and all that. Do I think it was unfair? Do I not think I was given a proper chance? Do I think it's all based on one inadequately trained for - and therefore failed - day? Yes, yes, and definitely. But in truth, I knew I didn't belong there anyway. So, other than the lost income, I can't really say that I'm all that torn up about it all. But it happened, and it made for a less than great start to my week.

That was Monday day. Monday night produced for us a sick Sweetie. Coldy. Whiney. Tearful. Slightly feverish. Just all around yucky. But ask her how she was?! Of course the answer was, as always, "Great."

Sweetie, you don't always have to be great. If you're sick, or sad, or angry, or happy or whatever - it's okay to feel anyway that you feel. And now you have a cold, so I don't think you're really great.


Well, I am always great. But then there's how I really feel.


Ha! Okay, fine. So you're great. And now how do you really feel?


Sick.

And thus ensued an evening of whiney tearfulness. So glad I gave her permission to feel what she feels.

Tuesday night had us attending a Destination Imagination meeting at our local high school. We were attending as much for finding out if Sweetie's involvement would be logistically feasible for us as we were attending to find out if Sweetie was even interested enough to get involved. I told her as much, as we drove to the school, and let her know that she needed to pay attention and give us her honest opinion about the whole thing.

Well when your sick, highly dramatic, very rule dependent child responds to a mock D.I. challenge with an enthusiastic "That was awesome!", you know you best be signing her up on a team ASAP. In fact, we're all very excited about this new venture for Sweetie. Hubby was even conflicted as to whether he wanted to be a team leader or not. Something he would usually SO want to do. But doing that would also make him have to miss some of Sweetie's involvement in competition. This year, we agreed, we'd just sign her up and see how it goes. In years to come, he can help out in any way that he wants.

On Wednesday I was able to attend a magic show with Sweetie at her after school program (You have to pick me up on Wednesday at 5:00 so you can see the magic show with me. - You know what, Sweetie? I think, this week, that is something I can definitely do.) Sweetie loved the show, and was honestly thrilled to have me there with her (as proven by the extra hugs and kisses I received while we sat waiting for the show to begin.) I was so happy to spend this time with her as well.

Then we were saddened to learn, toward the end of the week, about the loss of a baby that our good friends were expecting in February. A routine ultrasound found some complications, and a follow up scan proved the fetus was just not viable. A sad, sad time for this family. They do have two very beautiful, very healthy children already, but to know that another little life would not be joining their family was just heartbreaking to hear.

Yesterday we had "Movie Night" with our friends from Hubby's college years. Something we try to have monthly, but it's actually been about 4 or 5 months since we've all been able to get together. And Sweetie was excited because FINALLY she'd get to see the videos of her Daddy during his years when he and his friends were involved in a campus variety T.V. show. So exciting! She loved it! So much so that she's actually planning on bringing the show back to life, and I dare say she already has the first couple new episodes already worked out in her mind.

And then there was today. TODAY! A very well anticipated day for Sweetie, since she'd be attending the birthday "event" of her good friend (the daughter of the afore mentioned couple who lost their baby.) And what an event it was! High flying action took place and Sweetie was beside herself with excitement. What a thrilling experience! Definitely a fun-filled, happy day that all families involved in certainly deserved.

Phew! What a week it's been! I'm personally hoping for a more even-keeled week for the upcoming few days. Boring, even, might be okay with me.

The lows were certainly low, but the highs were fantastically high. All in all, I really can't complain.

How am I? Great!

And then there's how I really feel. (which, for now at least, is actually not too far from great anyway.)

Under The Influence

Everyone has something they do well. Hopefully I have at least a few things that others think I'm particularly good at. One of them, I feel confident in stating, is writing. I love to write and it's a skill that comes so naturally to me that it doesn't even feel like a skill - it's just a little thing I can do well enough without much effort - enough to hopefully entertain others and satisfy me.

So it's somewhat funny to me that, since I can write well (that is, communicate effectively through the written word), I am not at all good at speaking well. And I'm not only considering public speaking. No, I can't even always speak one-on-one with a good friend without stumbling over words or just plain not knowing how to transition from one topic of conversation to the next.

I am just a bad, bad speaker. Too quiet, too quick to get nervous/turn red over the tiniest of (self-perceived) "things", and not enough up on current events to meaningfully engage in/begin even a bit of small talk with someone.

I remember in college, in fact, thinking that my Humanities discussion class in particular was just a huge lie in that surely none of these college peers of mine truly had any real interest in discussing the philosophy of Socrates or the lessons of Camus. I saw their classroom contributions as pure BS, knowing that out in the Real World they'd much rather talk about beer and sports and the opposite sex and whatever other subject of nothingness going on immediately around them. And I - just didn't talk in class. Because I didn't care either! Or I did, but I didn't want to come off as a nerd. But either way, I didn't want to be a liar - so I just didn't say a thing.

All, I believe, contributing to my current inability to hold an interesting conversation with someone now.

Hubby wouldn't mind me saying that he too is not the best at speaking with others in social settings, and certainly not great as the sole speaker in front of many. In fact we joke together that, when at large family gatherings or other party-type situations, we often find that the people we choose to migrate toward to speak with usually roam away from us within just a few minutes.

We're obviously really that bad. It's pathetic.

So after a recent family (family!) small (small!) get-together where he and I (well, at least I, as far as I'm concerned) spent way too much time sitting in silence while others around chatted, I mentioned to Hubby that I wished there was either a course to take or a book to read about how to Learn to Make Small Talk. He agreed that that would be great for him as well.

I searched the 'net for any books on the topic, but could not see that any in existence could be found at our small public library. Oh well. Maybe someday I'll pick one up at the store.

In the meantime, another thing I know about myself is that I am able to rather comfortably speak with others after imbibing in just a glass or 2 of wine (or other some such alcoholic beverage). Mind you, I'm not saying I have to be completely drunk - just a tad bit loosened up and tipsy. Catch me then, and I'm happy to speak with you for as long as you'd like - and I'm sure we'd both find each other's time very well spent.

With this in mind, and a quick Google search yesterday successfully leading me to "12 Easy Tips for Making Small Talk," - a list of tips I shared with Hubby as well - I felt somewhat prepared to go to - and enjoy - an event last night at our church.

Wait! No... that doesn't sound good at all! Change that to "with the realization that I feel more comfortable after a drink or 2 (but not after having actually had the drinks), and with the Googled tips, I was able to go to the church function knowing what I had to do to more easily engage in small talk."

I just had to act like I was under the influence.

And you know what? I rather think that worked!

We found a small group of friends to sit with, and I felt pretty good about the give and take of our conversation. I was able to ask questions, offer information, and entertain as much as I felt entertained. At least I hope so, anyway.

And again at coffee hour today. We tend to leave pretty soon after getting a quick coffee and snack. But today we stayed and chatted with some friends we hadn't seen all summer - along with a friend of theirs they brought along for a visit. I had fun today and really enjoyed both catching up with our friends and learning something about their friend who was there with them.

So that's the trick! All I have to do is remember how easily conversation comes to me after having a few drinks - remember how I'll happily contribute stories and opinions without worrying that they don't really fit in with what's being discussed around me, but are close enough anyway. And I'm good! By no means the life of the party, but an interesting enough member of the gathering whom others actually wish to stay and speak with.

Hmmm... come to think of it... maybe I should have had a swig or 2 back in college before my Humanities classes. Then I'd have been a fascinating contributor to the class instead of a wilting wallflower.

Maybe that's what my classmates did. Yep - they weren't thinking about drinking - they were drinking!

Ahhh.. it's all so clear now. If only I'd been a bit of a wild child, how different my life would be...

Beach Blogging Bingo

Well, okay. Not really Bingo so much as Apples to Apples. Or Quiddler. But there may be bongos, I suppose! All depends what sorts of talents/ no talents present themselves at tonight's show.

Whatever. S'all good. We're having a grand time, as expected, here at the beach. Our only real vacation this year, and we've really been looking forward to it.

Of course, it will all be over too soon. Just a quick 2 night trip away, joined with many members of our church for some fun, free time and fellowship. After a summer "off" from church (gotta love a church that values family time enough to provide you with a whole summer's worth of it each year!), reuniting at the beach each September is an amazing way to reconnect with those who really have become an extended family to us.

And the family aspect of gathering here really is such an important and comforting part to us. Sweetie is free to play and run around wherever, whether we are right there with her or not. We know that everyone here is watching over and keeping safe all of our kids - not just the one(s) who biologically belong to us. Sweetie's either outside, in a friend's room, playing in the common room or snacking in the dining hall. Do we really know exactly where she is every second? No. But it doesn't really matter - we know she's safe wherever she is, that she's not making a nuisance of herself (too badly, anyway), and that she is more than likely having the time of her life.

As are Hubby and I. Staying up late playing cards and boardgames with the grownups, collecting driftwood along the shore at daybreak, and visiting with friends old and new. Such a fabulous, fun time to stop and refresh the soul.

Looking forward to this evening's cocktail hour and the afore mentioned Talent/No Talent Show, followed by a bonfire for marshmallow toasting and s'mores.

Oh yeah. Did I say yet that I was in Heaven? Because that's exactly where I feel like I am.

The Secret Lives of Parents

When I was a little girl I remember sobbing to my parents time after time, could I pleeeeeaaaassseee go with them out to dinner/to the movies/to whatever grown up activity they were embarking on instead of stay home with my brothers and the babysitter. I so wanted to go with them - not to be left by them. To be involved in whatever kind of Exciting Fun they were about to have instead of stay home, having a regular ol' evening with my siblings and sitter. Not that I didn't love our regular baby sitter. And my brothers didn't treat me all that badly, either. But just to be with my parents, doing the obviously amazingly fun and different and exciting thing they were about to do - that was where I wanted to be.

(Or, was it more like I simply didn't want my parents to go in the first place? Yeah - that was probably the case at least some of the time.)

So of course when Hubby and I get the chance to go out every once in awhile, there's Sweetie... skipping with joy into Nana's house, already thoroughly entranced in her Lego playing within a minute of arriving, hardly even acknowledging the fact that Daddy and I are going away for a few hours or (as was the case last night) leaving her to sleep over, since he and I will be out past her bedtime. See ya, Mom and Dad! Have a great time!

Heck! When sleepovers are involved, there's practically an enthusiastic countdown of days leading up to the Super Fun event!

I don't believe Sweetie has ever asked why she's not allowed to go with us out to dinner/ out to so-and-so's house/ to the movies/ to the wedding (last night's event - for my boss's daughter's wedding.) Even when she knows perfectly well who we'll be seeing, where we'll be eating, what kind of fun can be had at the given event - nothing. She knows she's going to Nana's & Papa's house, or possibly being watched by Grammy and Grampy, and she is one happy little bee with her assigned place in the situation.

And even though I have 7 (and a half!) years of experience with this, it seemed that last night more than ever pointed out to me what exactly adults - specifically, parents - do with each other when they are fortunate enough to have an evening away from their kids.

We talk about our kids!

Of course, Hubby and I have been out for evenings before with other friends who are not parents. And inevitably we will bring up the subject of Sweetie one or two or 10 times. But we really do try to make an effort to "leave Sweetie at home," not talking about her too much because, well, we imagine the subject of parenting is just not all that interesting to those who are not involved in it. In fact, I imagine that they imagine we as parents are excited to have an evening away and to not "have" to talk about Sweetie would be our idea of a relaxing night out.

But in truth... uh uh. We parents honestly can't get enough of our kids and are thrilled to talk about them with anyone who'll listen. And what better group of people to do this with than with other parents who are just as enthusiastic about sharing their own kids' impressive qualities/maddening habits/sicknesses/achievements/challenges, etc., etc., etc....

And now I know beyond the shadow of a doubt... when I was little and my parents went out against my wishes!... they too, no doubt, were talking about my brothers and me with just as much heart and pride and amazement as Hubby and I now apply when talking about our Sweetie.

You are a joy, Sweetie. Yes, you're also a stubborn, at times whiney kid whose ears don't always work as well as they should. But mostly - a pure joy. And even when you are not with us, please know (and I think you do) - you are always at the forefront of our minds and we can't get enough of sharing stories of our life with you with whomever we are with who cares to listen.

That's what we parents do.

Free to Be...

... You and Me.

I'm loving that commercial - I don't even know what it's for! Target? - that features the Free To Be You And Me song. We used to own that record when my brothers and I were little. I've wanted to get the anniversary edition of the Free To Be You And Me book for Sweetie. Just haven't gotten around to it yet.

At any rate, I think that message is a great way to preface this post. What I'm about to write here is solely MY view on things. I do not intend to offend or otherwise diminish the opinions, thoughts or feelings of anyone else. I only mean to use these things as a jumping off point for expressing how my opinions, thoughts and feelings fit into the mix. Everyone is, indeed, free to be - and feel - however it is they do. Just like I am free. I'm just going to apply my freedom by writing this here blog post...

With that said, I'll remind you again of my quest to reestablish my blog roll. In addition to recalling the blogs I've been linking to all along, I've also been searching the blogosphere for new blood. Specifically, blogs themed around disability in some way or another. A mom or dad writing about the ups and downs of raising a child with a disability. A disabled adult chronicling his or her everyday life. Something new to my readers and something, ideally, with a positive/motivating spin on what it means to have a disability.

Unfortunately, what I've actually run into more often than not, it seems, are blogs that either A) look like they'd be great but haven't been updated in at least several months, or B) have a very definite political/socio-cultural bent and are typically angry in nature. Angry about how disabled people are treated in our world. Angry about how said writer personally feels about his or her disability-laden lot in life. Angry about lack of respect, lack of ability, lack of opportunity. Just plain angry. And sad.

Well that makes me angry. And sad.

This is not to say that I disagree with these bloggers. Sure - when grouping all people with disabilities in a very large, very "in-general" grouping - "we" certainly are not as well respected or offered as much opportunity as others. And as I said at the beginning of this post, I definitely don't mean to detract from the very real opinions and feelings of others. But it's just not a stance that I personally want to promote.

And whereas I cannot speak for - would never dream of speaking for! - all disabled people of all different types, I can speak on the more specific topic of what it means - what it feels like - to be a person living with Spina Bifida. What it's like to be me.

Because in my blog searching I've also come across those few and far between sites written by individuals with Spina Bifida. And again I am saddened and shocked by the percentage of them that feature writers who are so angry with life. Who can't get past how they're being treated and oppressed and brought down by The Man. Writers whom, it seems to me, do everything they can to blame others for the poor way they feel about themselves.

I'm sorry, but I just don't get that. I mean, it's not like Spina Bifida is something that happens to a person after years of living a totally awesome and carefree/disability-free lifestyle. It's a birth defect. You're born with it. It hasn't changed the way you live your life - it just is part of your life. It's part of who you are and have always been. Deal.

Most things that I am not able to do that other "regular" people can, I've never been able to do. So these are not activities I miss. They've just never been in my repertoire of abilities. Big deal. There are many other things I can do. Some even way better than "regular" people. So there!

Yeah, okay. So there are some things that have changed for me over time which are directly linked to Spina Bifida. Up until my last major back surgery about 14 years ago I didn't have to walk using a walking stick. I just needed my braces and I was good to go. I could even run if I wanted! It was not an advised activity, since I could break my braces if I was too hard on them. Or I could get blisters on my feet. But still, I could physically do it if I wanted.

My need for a hysterectomy - due to a uterine prolapse - a few years back also has, I strongly believe, a link to Spina Bifida. See, my uterine musculature - like other muscle groups in my body - was simply not strong enough to hold everything in place after the stress of my pregnancy a few years prior. I personally know at least one other woman with Spina Bifida who has gone through the exact same thing as me, plus I've read articles that discuss the likelihood of uterine prolapse in women with Spina Bifida.

And speaking of my pregnancy - my chronic back pain and left leg numbness has only been an issue for me since having Sweetie. It sucks, yeah. But it is what it is. And as I've said in recent posts, I actually think my pain and numbness is lessening since taking on my more physical part time job. Yay, me!

You could maybe, maybe even say that my long job search that still hasn't even landed me the full time job I ideally need has been made more difficult because of my disability. Potential employers who did not want to hire me because of being discriminatory against people with disbilities. But I don't know about that. It's not what I choose to believe, anyway. I hope that any potential employer I seek out and who meets with me judges me based on my resume, personality and job specific skills and not the fact that I have Spina Biifida.

And, sure - there are definitely things about who I intrinsically am as a person that have no doubt been shaped by my disability. I'm quiet, for instance. Being the girl in school who was "so different" than my peers didn't help me to feel very comfortable opening up and being as talkative with them as I was at home with my family. And, for better or worse, it's a trait that's stayed with me until this day.

I also know what I can and cannot physically do. More to the point, I know what I can do, but in ways that are more slow, clumsy or just different from other "regular" people. And so I may ask for help with these things rather than make the effort to get the thing done on my own. My doing this, I feel, kind of spills over to other parts of my abilities. That is, I'm not comfortable figuring out how to do new things (to me) on my own. I'd much rather have someone walk me through it. Even if they too have never done the thing in question. Strength in numbers, and all that. Spreads out the blame when wrong things happen, too. But in reality, I have got to realize that I am perfectly capable of taking on any number of new challenges thrown my way all on my own.

But that's my point. These things about who I am as a person - they're my hang ups! I am just as able as anyone else to work through the lesser feelings I have about myself. Or not! Who cares - it's my problem! Because don't we all - disabled or not! - have things about ourselves that we just don't like?! Can't we all tick off a whole slew of problems we find in ourselves/! Aren't we all aging and aching and moving more slowly, more carefully, as we go? We don't need to blame society or government or The Man, as it were, for bringing us down in this world. Disabled or not, we've all got the ability to do that personal bringing down thing all on our own.

As the awesome Marlo Thomas said, we're all Free to Be You and Me. I'm happy with my "regular ol' life." I rarely if ever feel particularly disabled. I just don't think like that. But if others are happy to constantly be down on life and others and themselves, then that's fine for them. Rock on! But stay out of my way, because you and I will never walk the same path.

Live life. Be happy. That is all.