Hubby and I struggle with money. Regular readers know this, as I've written on several occasions about our need to scrimp and how we try to save. This time of year, especially, has always been just thatmuchmore tight for us, as the business Hubby is in (basically a subcontracting home renovation) finds less willing buyers 'round about now. People waiting to get their tax returns back before committing to pricy home repair.
Things will pick up. That's the usual way of things, anyway. It's just... right now... it's tight.
Sweetie had school winter vacation this week. Hubby just happened to have this week off too.
Well, isn't that special?
Luckily, a new job does start on Monday for him. But it's not the biggest of projects, by a long shot. Yay. Glad, at any rate, that he has any job at all to start. And yet, it still has us on the edge of our seats wondering where his portion of the income (that is, the greater portion - by far) is going to come from in the very near future just following this puny reconstruct.
____________
Is it so wrong to like a job primarily because it shows you how much better your life is than others in the world?
I call people, at my evening job, trying to help them come up with viable plans for paying off their medical bill responsibilities. There are financial aid applications. There are payment plan options. There are legitimate ways to make paying down their debt workable for them. And I pride myself with the ability to, often times, "talk down" a customer from sheer frustration and downright anger. Anger at the system. Anger at their situation. People living week to week, on fixed low incomes, having to make tough decisions on which bills are most important to contribute money towards this month. 'Cuz you know there's no way any of them are getting paid off in full! Not this month. Hopefully next month will be better.
Little do these people know how very, very much I can relate to their stories. How very much I emphasize with their situations. How I know, plain and simple, the frustration and stress of what they're going through.
"Oh, but what would you know, anyway?! You work for a big hospital and are probably paid a nice pretty penny for the work you do, with not a worry in sight." This, from one of the gentlemen I spoke to recently.
If you only knew how wrong you were, sir. If you only knew. This is only 1 of 4 jobs I work. And it's still not enough. Not by a long shot.
If you only knew.
____________
The beginning of the month seems to be the toughest. But then again, we work all month, trying not to spend too much, so that - come the first of the month - we have enough money to pay off the big bills. Rent. insurances. Credit card bills. Everything is due all at once.
But I'm also eligible, potentially, for a small monthly bonus at one of my jobs. If I succeed at achieving it, as I have the last 2 months, then I receive it in my very 1st paycheck of the month. Yay! Extra money!
And then, we sent in for a rebate on my new phone - which I had to get around Christmas time, because my cell had died beyond all hope. That just arrived to us this week too. Yay! However, it was in the form of a gift card (a "debit/credit card" usable at anywhere that accepts credit cards). Not a check for actual cash to be deposited into our account. Fine. Whatever. As long as we use this card for items we actually need - not random coffee trips, not a dinner out, not "extra" treat-like groceries we wouldn't normally buy - it would be fine. It's all the same.
So. Two instances of "bonus" money this week. And still. It's hardly a bonus at all. That is, they aren't a bonus at all. Just a bit more money than we thought we'd have, making this week not as completely and utterly dire as it was once expected to be.
Yay! Now we can actually go grocery shopping this week! We don't have to make do - as much - with the food we have in-house, like we've been "making do" this past month or so. Yay!
Except..... remember, Hubby hasn't worked all that much in the last month or so, and this job to start pays horribly.
And so... we are back to the dire situation we started with. Yes, we will shop. But, no, it will not be a "full out" trip. It will be a "get the basics we have to have to make other in-house items last longer" trip. A sort of trip we have become all too familiar with of late.
____________
As happy and somewhat relieving it is to get the occasional unexpected extra money in any given week (Yay! now we can afford my Rx without charging it! Yay! now we can afford a bit more at the store!), I've been wondering lately just what we'd do if we, somehow or another, did all of a sudden come into a large amount of money.
I'm talking thousands of dollars here. How and where would we apply that money if, joys of all joys, we were instantly blessed with such a decision?
I mean... I'm thinking it would actually end up being a really stressful decision in its own right.
We have big credit card debt - should we wipe that out?
We owe my parents big time for a loan they gave us - should the money all go to them?
Hubby and I both have old, old cars. At least a decade old each. Would we use big (pretend) money to put the money down on at least 1 new car?
I still have college loan debt. Maybe a chunk of money should go to get rid of that monthly payment?
And, of course, I have medical bills up the wazoo. Perhaps some of this hypothetical windfall should pay those bills off for us.
Lastly, we haven't been on a family vacation in about 4 years. Not any kind of vacation at all. And I want - above anything else in this world, sometimes - to go to Disneyworld with Sweetie and Hubby. I've been before, as a teenager. Hubby and Sweetie have never been. I want to go so badly. Would we/should we use the money to take this trip?
But then what? So we, say, clear up a credit card. Great! That's really only taking a few hundred dollars off our monthly expenses.
Or say we clear up the debt with my parents. That would be awesome!!!! However, they've been kind enough to not bother us about paying that back lately anyway. So it's not a current monthly expense we'd see go away.... it's just a large, looming debt we'd be free and clear from, which is a lot - of course - but doesn't truly help us still, month to month, right now.
Or we take that vacation. Maybe we could go to France instead! Hubby and I went years ago, and Sweetie says she really wants to go too. Hubby especially wants to take her, as he lived in France during college for a few months. He wants to show Sweetie all his old haunts. To take a vacation would be wonderful! But... then what? There may be little or no money left from our (still imaginary) windfall to apply to existing debt. So life, as we know it now, would continue on... day to day living, paying what we can where and when we can on our bills. Yay.
But at least we'd be more relaxed, and with no added cost!
Yay.
____________
I don't mean to complain. Honestly, I don't. And I know the stress that Hubby feels he's under, as the main breadwinner in our little family. I know he feels badly when he's not working. At the same time, he knows as well as I do that it's not his doing at all. He goes where the company tells him to go, when they tell him to go. He can't make jobs appear. I know this as well as he does. Like I said, I'm so happy he has a job to start next week. Some money is better than none! I love him and appreciate so much the hard work he does to make our family as safe and secure as possible.
And we are, all things considered, doing alright and holding our own. We're not necessarily behind on any payments. It's just, we don't necessarily see any improvement in our existing debt situation either. We're just... staying steady.
BUT - we're staying steady on a total household income that is considerably less than it used to be, when he and I both had regular full time jobs with benefits. Yes, we had to sell our house. Yes, we now rent for considerably less than what our monthly mortgage was. But through the sale, we paid off our 2nd mortgage. We have done what we can to lower interest rates on our credit cards, and we do not use these cards anymore, unless absolutely necessary.
We are making improvements. We may not easily see them. But they are there. To live as we do - even on a pay check to pay check basis - without collectors pounding down our door, and with wonderful friends and family who understand our situation and offer their own support in various ways... we are blessed.
And, like I said, what would I do with a big chunk of money anyway?! It probably wouldn't even be worth the hassle and stress of figuring that all out. Bah!
(Not that, in the end, I wouldn't want to give it a good ol' try.)
Friday, March 04, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
OneWord Weekend
The rules are simple (and paraphrased from the oneword.com website.)
Take the one word seen at the top of the next screen. Take 60 seconds to write about it. Don't think. Just write.
I may adjust the time, but still insisting a limit. 10 minutes? That may be good.
Let's go...
word: Strong
(1 minute)
My daughter’s strength amazes me. At 8 years old, not a care in the world for how she’s perceived by others. Meaning her peers. She’s much more concerned, and always has been, about playing what she wants, rather than with whom she’s playing.
(9 more minutes)
When her kindergarten teacher pointed this out to us, I was concerned, to say the least. "Sweetie doesn't have any friends? No one plays with her? She's an outcast?!"
Quite the contrary, as Hubby later pointed out to me. It's not that no one plays with Sweetie. It's that she doesn't, necessarily, play with anyone. On her own terms. She isn't interested in following the crowd. Not interested in being part of a clique. She simply wants to do what she wants to do. That's all.
And, in fact, Hubby is right. If we ask Sweetie who she usually plays with at recess, she has no "usual" answer to offer. Sometimes this kid, sometimes that. A lot of the time on her own. She's all about wanting to play what she wants to play. If little Johnny or Jenny want to join in, well sure! The more the merrier! But if they don't, that's no skin of Sweetie's nose. She'll play just fine on her own.
We sometimes tease Sweetie at home about being "weird." Not that I could give you a concrete example right now. But those are words we've said to her before. At the same time, letting her know she shouldn't let kids or anyone call her weird. It's just not a nice thing to say. (And she knows we're kidding when we call her weird ourselves.)
"I don't mind. It's okay to be weird. It just means you're different and interesting."
See?! What a kid! Absolutely amazing. She is strong and proud to be who she is, say what she wants, show her smarts, proclaims her interests, and be the person she is. Everyone else be damned.
And anyway, she's certainly not at a loss for friends. Classmates come to her at school functions, eagerly taking her hand to see this cool thing, or come over here to do that awesome activity. No. Sweetie is not wont for admirers, that's for sure.
And I'm among the top of the list.
Take the one word seen at the top of the next screen. Take 60 seconds to write about it. Don't think. Just write.
I may adjust the time, but still insisting a limit. 10 minutes? That may be good.
Let's go...
word: Strong
(1 minute)
My daughter’s strength amazes me. At 8 years old, not a care in the world for how she’s perceived by others. Meaning her peers. She’s much more concerned, and always has been, about playing what she wants, rather than with whom she’s playing.
(9 more minutes)
When her kindergarten teacher pointed this out to us, I was concerned, to say the least. "Sweetie doesn't have any friends? No one plays with her? She's an outcast?!"
Quite the contrary, as Hubby later pointed out to me. It's not that no one plays with Sweetie. It's that she doesn't, necessarily, play with anyone. On her own terms. She isn't interested in following the crowd. Not interested in being part of a clique. She simply wants to do what she wants to do. That's all.
And, in fact, Hubby is right. If we ask Sweetie who she usually plays with at recess, she has no "usual" answer to offer. Sometimes this kid, sometimes that. A lot of the time on her own. She's all about wanting to play what she wants to play. If little Johnny or Jenny want to join in, well sure! The more the merrier! But if they don't, that's no skin of Sweetie's nose. She'll play just fine on her own.
We sometimes tease Sweetie at home about being "weird." Not that I could give you a concrete example right now. But those are words we've said to her before. At the same time, letting her know she shouldn't let kids or anyone call her weird. It's just not a nice thing to say. (And she knows we're kidding when we call her weird ourselves.)
"I don't mind. It's okay to be weird. It just means you're different and interesting."
See?! What a kid! Absolutely amazing. She is strong and proud to be who she is, say what she wants, show her smarts, proclaims her interests, and be the person she is. Everyone else be damned.
And anyway, she's certainly not at a loss for friends. Classmates come to her at school functions, eagerly taking her hand to see this cool thing, or come over here to do that awesome activity. No. Sweetie is not wont for admirers, that's for sure.
And I'm among the top of the list.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
I Never Was a Good Accounting Student
"She believed she could, so she did." - Anonymous
I recently happened upon this quote, and it struck me profoundly. She believed she could, so she did. I can point you to several instances in my life where this very idea greatly applies. Most notably among them, going through a pregnancy and delivering my beautiful Sweetie into this world.
But there are so many other ideas floating around in my head. Grand plans, visions of a life well purposed, and little seedlings of childhood dreams bursting at their seams to grow and flourish into something great. But yet, there they stay, idly laying low. My mind swims with the greatness I see for myself, for my Sweetie, for our family. But far too often I allow these dreams to continue swimming in aimless, lazy moonlit circles in my head, when what they need is roaring encouragement to make that push toward the finish line.
This is all compounded by that "thing" that parenthood does to you... Parenthood makes you want to be a better person. The very act of raising a child to be the best she can be opens your own eyes, making you aware of all the little (and sometimes big) ways in which the way you lead your life could improve. After all, leading by example is often the best way to teach our kids how to do anything, not least of which is how to lead a purposeful, accountable life. And if we're not practicing that for ourselves, how can we expect our children to appreciate the importance of striving toward a life well lived?
An accountable life. A friend of mine opened my eyes to this phrase a few weeks back. Knowing what you want and taking the actions to get to that end. Not waiting for life to happen to you... making your life happen!
And I realized how often I sit around waiting...
I went to see a psychic (as hokey as you may or may not think they are) back in high school who told me that she sees me publishing two books in my lifetime: 1 more of a non-fiction/biographic publication, 1 in the world of fiction.
During my college days I had an English professor praise my written work, noting that he was sure to see my name on the store bookshelves one day.
And so I sit... confidently waiting for that day when I will be discovered. Obviously it's coming. I've been told as much by reliable people! I just have to wait for it...
I mean, to actively go after this goal is nothing more than a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was told I was going to do something, so I made plans for said thing to happen. Pshaw. Anyone can make that happen.
Or, hmmm.... my blog here is probably what that psychic was referring to anyway, seeing as I met with her in the days way before blogs existed. My blog is non-fiction/biographical. Or, you know... I've had a few articles published online and in print. There you go. Check! Vision realized. Moving on...
But... none of this takes into account that I have loved writing for as long as I can remember. That I genuinely have a biographical slant of interest to a certain percentage of the world's population. That I have told people - family, friends, job interviewers, etc... - that I want to write a book one day.
Yeah. Wanting to is one thing, getting it done is quite another.
Or should I say getting it started is the issue at hand?
I need to take accountability for my own life.
I want a cup of tea at night and I ask Hubby to fix it. If he does, great! If not - eh. I don't really want it that badly.
I get home after work in the later evening some nights. If there's leftover food from Sweetie and Hubby's dinner that is easy enough to heat up (preferably by Hubby), I'll be happy to have some. Otherwise - eh. I'm not that hungry anyway.
I agree with Hubby about the merits of having a clutter free, clean home. To have that would be wonderful! Clutter out, abundance in, after all. But... eh. I've just done the dishes, taken care of the laundry, and vacuumed. That's enough for today! Time to see what's happening on Facebook or watch this afternoon's episode of Oprah.
I enjoy counted cross stitch and got some new patterns for Christmas. I tell myself every day that to have some time to cross stitch would be awesome! And then... eh. Getting the dishes cleaned or laundry folded or simply cuddling with Sweetie presents itself as being much more "important" than silly cross stitching most of the time.
I have some items of clothes that are decades old. Seriously. And several pairs of pants that just don't fit me well at all. I could really use a good shopping spree where I could pick up some basic new pieces to fill out my wardrobe. But... eh. We're barely making ends meet as is, so we definitely have no money for that sort of thing. Especially when Valentine's Day is here and Sweetie needs a cute little gift. And the task of filling an Easter Basket is right around the corner. I'll use the little bit of money that we have for that no problem.
See? Laziness + putting others ahead of myself = the death of dreams and goals.
It's time to take accountability. It's time to take the necessary actions to get what I want out of life, for myself and my family. It's time to get up and do, not sit around and wait.
It's time to show Sweetie that if you believe you can, you can. And you do.
"He is able who thinks he is able." - Buddha
I recently happened upon this quote, and it struck me profoundly. She believed she could, so she did. I can point you to several instances in my life where this very idea greatly applies. Most notably among them, going through a pregnancy and delivering my beautiful Sweetie into this world.
But there are so many other ideas floating around in my head. Grand plans, visions of a life well purposed, and little seedlings of childhood dreams bursting at their seams to grow and flourish into something great. But yet, there they stay, idly laying low. My mind swims with the greatness I see for myself, for my Sweetie, for our family. But far too often I allow these dreams to continue swimming in aimless, lazy moonlit circles in my head, when what they need is roaring encouragement to make that push toward the finish line.
This is all compounded by that "thing" that parenthood does to you... Parenthood makes you want to be a better person. The very act of raising a child to be the best she can be opens your own eyes, making you aware of all the little (and sometimes big) ways in which the way you lead your life could improve. After all, leading by example is often the best way to teach our kids how to do anything, not least of which is how to lead a purposeful, accountable life. And if we're not practicing that for ourselves, how can we expect our children to appreciate the importance of striving toward a life well lived?
An accountable life. A friend of mine opened my eyes to this phrase a few weeks back. Knowing what you want and taking the actions to get to that end. Not waiting for life to happen to you... making your life happen!
And I realized how often I sit around waiting...
I went to see a psychic (as hokey as you may or may not think they are) back in high school who told me that she sees me publishing two books in my lifetime: 1 more of a non-fiction/biographic publication, 1 in the world of fiction.
During my college days I had an English professor praise my written work, noting that he was sure to see my name on the store bookshelves one day.
And so I sit... confidently waiting for that day when I will be discovered. Obviously it's coming. I've been told as much by reliable people! I just have to wait for it...
I mean, to actively go after this goal is nothing more than a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was told I was going to do something, so I made plans for said thing to happen. Pshaw. Anyone can make that happen.
Or, hmmm.... my blog here is probably what that psychic was referring to anyway, seeing as I met with her in the days way before blogs existed. My blog is non-fiction/biographical. Or, you know... I've had a few articles published online and in print. There you go. Check! Vision realized. Moving on...
But... none of this takes into account that I have loved writing for as long as I can remember. That I genuinely have a biographical slant of interest to a certain percentage of the world's population. That I have told people - family, friends, job interviewers, etc... - that I want to write a book one day.
Yeah. Wanting to is one thing, getting it done is quite another.
Or should I say getting it started is the issue at hand?
I need to take accountability for my own life.
I want a cup of tea at night and I ask Hubby to fix it. If he does, great! If not - eh. I don't really want it that badly.
I get home after work in the later evening some nights. If there's leftover food from Sweetie and Hubby's dinner that is easy enough to heat up (preferably by Hubby), I'll be happy to have some. Otherwise - eh. I'm not that hungry anyway.
I agree with Hubby about the merits of having a clutter free, clean home. To have that would be wonderful! Clutter out, abundance in, after all. But... eh. I've just done the dishes, taken care of the laundry, and vacuumed. That's enough for today! Time to see what's happening on Facebook or watch this afternoon's episode of Oprah.
I enjoy counted cross stitch and got some new patterns for Christmas. I tell myself every day that to have some time to cross stitch would be awesome! And then... eh. Getting the dishes cleaned or laundry folded or simply cuddling with Sweetie presents itself as being much more "important" than silly cross stitching most of the time.
I have some items of clothes that are decades old. Seriously. And several pairs of pants that just don't fit me well at all. I could really use a good shopping spree where I could pick up some basic new pieces to fill out my wardrobe. But... eh. We're barely making ends meet as is, so we definitely have no money for that sort of thing. Especially when Valentine's Day is here and Sweetie needs a cute little gift. And the task of filling an Easter Basket is right around the corner. I'll use the little bit of money that we have for that no problem.
See? Laziness + putting others ahead of myself = the death of dreams and goals.
It's time to take accountability. It's time to take the necessary actions to get what I want out of life, for myself and my family. It's time to get up and do, not sit around and wait.
It's time to show Sweetie that if you believe you can, you can. And you do.
"He is able who thinks he is able." - Buddha
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Perspective is Everything
Are our personalities set in childhood? Or do they adapt and change over time?
Little Susie is the youngest in our family, and so she's forever having to speak up to be heard.
On a related note... It seems to me that how adults interact with each other and, in fact, their needfulness for each other, is highly relevant to what's going on in each of their lives at the time. Were estranged friends, for example, to reunite and reconnect several years after a fallout, it very well could turn out that their new relationship is both strained and tentative because of what happened in the past (as well as what life's like currently for each of them.)
Not all together a bad thing, really. And of course, that makes sense. It's just now a different, careful progression into a new way to relate to each other. Okay.
Is the way each individual behaves within a new/renewed relationship truly how they are and have always been? But perhaps because each of the 2 friends "needed" each other in such a different way years ago than they presently do, their "true" personalities either didn't matter before or (more likely) the little quirks were "allowed" before as just that - silly little quirks.
It's all about time, really. And perspective. People grow up. Time moves on. Various life happenings affect you and, consciously or unconsciously, you change. Maybe a little, or maybe a lot. So that who you were before - the "before" person that the other remembers and is currently playing to - is simply not there anymore. At least not quite. As much as you feel you are presenting your current true self - admittedly changed from who you were before - you're just not sure the other person "gets" that and is smoothly adapting to you and the current state of affairs.
Or maybe it's you who isn't adapting well to the current truth of an old friend, given the way things used to be. Hmmmm....
Like I said. People change. And new relationships, even with "old" friends from before, change too. They need to, in fact, if they're going to thrive, progress and evolve further. Just like friendships that start in one's youth and continue on to present day without interruption - they too change and evolve with time. Your friends need you in different ways throughout a friendship, just as you need them differently. That's life.
Relationships are hard. Establishing renewed friendships with old friends can be even harder. Will you get the friendship you imagined you'd get, with the same fun, awesome person with whom you used to be so close? Or do you find instead that said person just is no longer "there"? And neither are you. Not quite, anyway. Both fine, just... different.
Hopefully, in the end, you'll wind up with a renewed friendship combining the best of old and new. A new way in which you currently "need" each other. A fresh way to view, accept and appreciate each other. Always moving forward...
Ugh. It was so much easier when our parents arranged play dates, introduced us to our new best friends in the form of their friends' kids, and our sometimes quirky behaviors could be easily explained away with fixed home-life statistics like birth order or passed on genetics from wise-cracking Grandpa Al.
Little Susie is the youngest in our family, and so she's forever having to speak up to be heard.
Jimmy is our oldest, so he's used to being the boss and getting his way.
Mary's the middle child, so of course she's forever acting up and bossing others around - in order to get our attention, I guess.
Well, Billy's father and I are divorced and now there are other step children in the family. I think Billy acts the way he does to make sure his step-siblings know when they're crossing into "his" territory.
Sweetie is an only child, so she tends to have a hard time cooperating with her peers and accepting that she's not always going to get her way.
Huh...
Funny. Seems like no matter what the situation, a parent can always explain away their child's less than pleasing behavior. Or - on the contrary - proudly proclaim how it is that their child is the confident, outspoken little smarty (cough-pants-cough) you see before you.
Interesting. It just seems to me that children will turn out the way they're going to turn out based a whole lot more on how the adults in their life treat them - regardless of birth order - and what's expected of these kids, as well as straight-up biological makeup. Yep - I say there's something to be said for the innate personality a person adopts just from good old genetics. After all, studies have shown that one's personality is pretty much set by 1st grade.
(That being said, it does drive me just a wee bit crazy when Grand Mama, Uncle Fred, or Great Aunt Betsy twice removed says something like, "Did you just see that smart alec expression on Billy's face?! Oh, he gets that attitude from wise-cracking Grandpa Al, no doubt about it!" It's especially crazy when Grandpa Al lives in Wyoming and young Billy has never had the pleasure of meeting the old coot.)
Yep. A kid's personality is going to be what it is based on nature and nurture. Not necessarily, I think, because said kid is born first, in the middle, or the last of 20. Which, okay, birth order could have a thing or two to do with how they relate to others. But there's a whole lot more to it than that. considering a kid born into any of these situations could end up being bossy, outspoken, confident, troubled, shy, dramatic, etc., etc., etc...
And why am I thinking about this issue these days, you may ask? Well, I'd have to refer you back to D.I., I'm afraid. As I stood last weekend with the other parents from Sweetie's team, all watching the group struggle through their challenges, I overheard some of them explaining their child's - uh... gumption!... to each other by describing where the kid falls in the family and what he or she has to do to get the coveted parental or sibling attention. Each different scenario - surprise! - coming out with the same result.
And there I stood, not offering Sweetie's family placement, but noting to myself how her (non)sibling situation "produced" in her a surprising similar outcome to the others with larger families.
Amazing.
SO.... that's what I have to say about that.
Not all together a bad thing, really. And of course, that makes sense. It's just now a different, careful progression into a new way to relate to each other. Okay.
Is the way each individual behaves within a new/renewed relationship truly how they are and have always been? But perhaps because each of the 2 friends "needed" each other in such a different way years ago than they presently do, their "true" personalities either didn't matter before or (more likely) the little quirks were "allowed" before as just that - silly little quirks.
It's all about time, really. And perspective. People grow up. Time moves on. Various life happenings affect you and, consciously or unconsciously, you change. Maybe a little, or maybe a lot. So that who you were before - the "before" person that the other remembers and is currently playing to - is simply not there anymore. At least not quite. As much as you feel you are presenting your current true self - admittedly changed from who you were before - you're just not sure the other person "gets" that and is smoothly adapting to you and the current state of affairs.
Or maybe it's you who isn't adapting well to the current truth of an old friend, given the way things used to be. Hmmmm....
Like I said. People change. And new relationships, even with "old" friends from before, change too. They need to, in fact, if they're going to thrive, progress and evolve further. Just like friendships that start in one's youth and continue on to present day without interruption - they too change and evolve with time. Your friends need you in different ways throughout a friendship, just as you need them differently. That's life.
Relationships are hard. Establishing renewed friendships with old friends can be even harder. Will you get the friendship you imagined you'd get, with the same fun, awesome person with whom you used to be so close? Or do you find instead that said person just is no longer "there"? And neither are you. Not quite, anyway. Both fine, just... different.
Hopefully, in the end, you'll wind up with a renewed friendship combining the best of old and new. A new way in which you currently "need" each other. A fresh way to view, accept and appreciate each other. Always moving forward...
Ugh. It was so much easier when our parents arranged play dates, introduced us to our new best friends in the form of their friends' kids, and our sometimes quirky behaviors could be easily explained away with fixed home-life statistics like birth order or passed on genetics from wise-cracking Grandpa Al.
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Not Bossy, Not Grumpy, Not Fighting. Adapting.
Newsflash: Sweetie is involved in an extra curricular activity that simultaneously frustrates her and thrills her. An activity that she mistakenly thought Hubby and I were going to take her out of and - to that - she emphatically pleaded with us to not do.
Wow.
More specifically, there are certain members of her extra curricular team (okay - D.I. ) with whom she butts heads. Fine - 1 kid in particular out of the 4 others on her team with whom she is struggling to get along. I've seen their agitated communications on a few occasions now and it honestly pains me to see their on-going verbal tug of war. Sweetie will suggest a plan for how to solve a problem, and this other child will - more often than not - undermine Sweetie's ideas with a biting remark.
Or, said other child will take over the "organization" of a particular activity after it's been presented to the group as a challenge to solve, and - basically - however this kid interpreted the instructions, goes. Right or wrong. Without anyone in the group realizing they can look back at the written instructions to confirm what they're to do and not do. And yet, I've seen Sweetie try to correct this teammate's understanding of the rules, trying to make her and the others remember that, no, that's not what we were told to do. But it doesn't seem to matter. As I said - however this particular kid understands the rules is how the group as a whole will proceed more often than not. End of story.
Like Sweetie explained to me yesterday on our way home from a team workshop, this other team member always has to do what she wants, no matter what the rest of the team wants or thinks. Sweetie's example to me was this: say we were supposed to write a book. The rest of the team might decide and agree upon writing a story about aliens visiting earth, but this other member wants to write about animals. So the book would end up being all about the aliens' visit except for 1 page in the middle that would be about turtles. She always has to get her way, in some way or another.
Everyone else on the team can get along well enough and come to agreements (more or less, as far as I've witnessed. Let's just say teamwork in general is a huge issue with them all.) But this one kid just will not cooperate.
Now, I'm sure the other team members see what's going on here with this other kid. I'm sure they're all just as frustrated as any other team member that one of them is always taking over and deciding how they're all going to proceed. But Sweetie just happens to be the other outspoken one. The other most strong-willed member. So she's always the one to question this teammate, and yet it never results in any change in the process. The only result is the palpable agitated stress felt between Sweetie and this kid. And it breaks my heart.
But then again... isn't this my little girl who used to pout, whine and freak right the heck out if the "rules" she was expecting in any given situation turned out not to fly as she expected? Isn't this my daughter who, in kindergarten, I had to drop off every morning at school reminding her of the "mantra" I created for her: "no bossy, no grumpy, no fighting, adapt."? Isn't this my Sweetie, who I've written about time and time again right here in exasperation over Sweetie's stubborn overdramatic reaction to a multitude of situations? (can anyone say "dance recital"? Anyone? Bueller?)
Yes, that's her. My Sweetie, the one and the same. Currently getting her butt routinely kicked by this overbearing kid and these tricky, time-sensitive, rule-based, teamwork-oriented challenges. Challenges where she and her teammates are forced to work things out completely on their own - no adult input allowed.
My daughter... handling herself very well in the face of opposing forces and hard to understand concepts. Sticking up for herself as best she can, opening her mouth and voicing her opinions and ideas whether or not they're likely to be shot down by her peers. Trying again and again. Completely holding her own as the youngest member of this still struggling first year team.
Sweetie - telling me she hopes there's a D.I. meeting tonight (rather than being cancelled due to snow - again!) because she still has to give one of her teammates the thank you card she wrote her for coming to her birthday party back in December and for the nice gifts she gave Sweetie.
A card that's going to - you guessed it - that bossy little kid.
You hold no grudges, Sweetie. You're trying and struggling and thinking and creating. You're voicing your opinions, but not being bossy. And you're adapting to the way things turn out - whether on your terms or not.
Just another example of how you make me oh so proud to be your Mama.
--------------
(I just had to break the news to Sweetie that D.I. is, in fact, cancelled tonight. Third week in a row. "I miss D.I." she said sadly. I know, Sweetie. I know...)
Wow.
More specifically, there are certain members of her extra curricular team (okay - D.I. ) with whom she butts heads. Fine - 1 kid in particular out of the 4 others on her team with whom she is struggling to get along. I've seen their agitated communications on a few occasions now and it honestly pains me to see their on-going verbal tug of war. Sweetie will suggest a plan for how to solve a problem, and this other child will - more often than not - undermine Sweetie's ideas with a biting remark.
Or, said other child will take over the "organization" of a particular activity after it's been presented to the group as a challenge to solve, and - basically - however this kid interpreted the instructions, goes. Right or wrong. Without anyone in the group realizing they can look back at the written instructions to confirm what they're to do and not do. And yet, I've seen Sweetie try to correct this teammate's understanding of the rules, trying to make her and the others remember that, no, that's not what we were told to do. But it doesn't seem to matter. As I said - however this particular kid understands the rules is how the group as a whole will proceed more often than not. End of story.
Like Sweetie explained to me yesterday on our way home from a team workshop, this other team member always has to do what she wants, no matter what the rest of the team wants or thinks. Sweetie's example to me was this: say we were supposed to write a book. The rest of the team might decide and agree upon writing a story about aliens visiting earth, but this other member wants to write about animals. So the book would end up being all about the aliens' visit except for 1 page in the middle that would be about turtles. She always has to get her way, in some way or another.
Everyone else on the team can get along well enough and come to agreements (more or less, as far as I've witnessed. Let's just say teamwork in general is a huge issue with them all.) But this one kid just will not cooperate.
Now, I'm sure the other team members see what's going on here with this other kid. I'm sure they're all just as frustrated as any other team member that one of them is always taking over and deciding how they're all going to proceed. But Sweetie just happens to be the other outspoken one. The other most strong-willed member. So she's always the one to question this teammate, and yet it never results in any change in the process. The only result is the palpable agitated stress felt between Sweetie and this kid. And it breaks my heart.
But then again... isn't this my little girl who used to pout, whine and freak right the heck out if the "rules" she was expecting in any given situation turned out not to fly as she expected? Isn't this my daughter who, in kindergarten, I had to drop off every morning at school reminding her of the "mantra" I created for her: "no bossy, no grumpy, no fighting, adapt."? Isn't this my Sweetie, who I've written about time and time again right here in exasperation over Sweetie's stubborn overdramatic reaction to a multitude of situations? (can anyone say "dance recital"? Anyone? Bueller?)
Yes, that's her. My Sweetie, the one and the same. Currently getting her butt routinely kicked by this overbearing kid and these tricky, time-sensitive, rule-based, teamwork-oriented challenges. Challenges where she and her teammates are forced to work things out completely on their own - no adult input allowed.
My daughter... handling herself very well in the face of opposing forces and hard to understand concepts. Sticking up for herself as best she can, opening her mouth and voicing her opinions and ideas whether or not they're likely to be shot down by her peers. Trying again and again. Completely holding her own as the youngest member of this still struggling first year team.
Sweetie - telling me she hopes there's a D.I. meeting tonight (rather than being cancelled due to snow - again!) because she still has to give one of her teammates the thank you card she wrote her for coming to her birthday party back in December and for the nice gifts she gave Sweetie.
A card that's going to - you guessed it - that bossy little kid.
You hold no grudges, Sweetie. You're trying and struggling and thinking and creating. You're voicing your opinions, but not being bossy. And you're adapting to the way things turn out - whether on your terms or not.
Just another example of how you make me oh so proud to be your Mama.
--------------
(I just had to break the news to Sweetie that D.I. is, in fact, cancelled tonight. Third week in a row. "I miss D.I." she said sadly. I know, Sweetie. I know...)
Friday, January 14, 2011
Tick Tock, Ya Don't Stop
A few weeks ago at our church we heard what I thought was a powerful sermon, given by one of the prominent lay people in our congregation, about the importance of time and spending it doing the things you love. Not wasting time away. Looking back at the end of each day and being happy with what was accomplished with your time.
She likened each day's second's - totaling 86,400 - to the amount in a bank account. An account that refreshes each day with a new 86,400 "dollars", but yet never allows you to carry over any amount of "money" from one day to the next. Each day you are only allowed just 86,400 "dollars."
How would you spend this amount, knowing that to leave any of it untouched at the end of a day is to leave it wasted behind?
Funny. I had been considering how fast time seems to be slipping away from me even before this sermon. And so our speaker's words only impressed upon me that much more how important it is to lead a meaningful life.
I read on Facebook as friend after friend greets each new Monday with an "Ugh" and a sincere wish that this may be yet another week that gets itself back to Friday as quickly as possible. Now, I like Fridays and weekends just as much as the next guy - possibly more, because I don't work outside of the home on Fridays, making my weekends longer. But still. I'm feeling more and more like our collective race to every weekend is just us racing by our lives. Weekends are only 2 days long! What about the other 5 days? Can't "we" appreciate the moments of every day we are given, and not just our Saturdays and Sundays?
In fact, for me and our small family - and I know for most families out there! - the weekends are times of getting household chores done and taking care of personal/family business that had to be set aside during the too-busy work week. Ask me on any given Monday how my weekend was and what we did and I guarantee that I most likely could not tell you off the top of my head what I or we did. I could tell you in general that it was "good" or that it was "busy" or even that we did "something." But for me to give you much more specific information than that without time to really sit back and remember - forget it. Weekends tend to be whirlwind times of grocery shopping, laundry, errands, this, that and the other thing. Hopefully some fun as well, but no promises on that one unfortunately. And they always, always go by too fast. Blink 2 blinks and there we are, already back at Monday. Yay.
You see, we think weekends are great family times, but really, they're typically just as nutty as the rest of the week. Just in a different sort of way.
As for my work week - there I sit, during the afternoon/evenings of Tues - Thurs., at one of my many jobs. This particular job is one I've come to really enjoy, actually. I am given a chance to help people manage their financial difficulties, which makes me feel really good.
And you know what else I love about it? The time just flies by!
4:00 - 8:00 p.m. Four hours. It simply whizzes by. I get to color while I'm on the phone. Or do mazes. My latest "thing" is to work on word searches during these times. I can get about 3 complicated word searches done in 3 1/2 hours (in between phone calls and a break), leaving just about 30 minutes to go - time during which I dream of being home soon with Hubby and Sweetie, able to relax with a cup of tea and maybe figure out the mystery of some "murder shows" with Hubby - before my shift for that night is over. In no time at all, it seems, I'm in my car and on my way home. That was easy!
It all sounds pretty sweet, huh? A "cooshy" job like this in a relaxed environment that passes by so quickly. Great!
But think about it, really. I love this job in part because the time flies so readily, getting me home that much more "quickly" (or so it seems) to my Hubby and Sweetie. Now, that's the time I'm really looking forward to!
Then there are the occasional surprise "vacation" days we are granted. Like our snow storm day we had on Wednesday this week. A full out blizzard in this part of the world, where hundreds of schools were closed, and both Hubby and I we told to stay safe at home instead of venturing out to our work places.
I just love family days! Especially unplanned ones where all that typical errand-running, chaotic weekendy type stuff is not part of the plan for the day. On days like these, I feel like there are an endless supply of great things we can do, but practically nothing we have to do. Love it, love it, love it!
So on snow day Wednesday - sure - I/we took care of some necessary items at first, including finishing up homework and doing the dishes after cooking lunch. But then we could do whatever! Oh, the choices!
I could: read, cross stitch, watch a movie with Sweetie and Hubby, take a nap, work with Sweetie on one of the many puzzles she got for Christmas and her birthday, write this here blog post, play a game (either with Sweetie and/or Hubby or on my own on my Ipod), etc., etc., etc.... A little for me, a little for others, a little with others. Oh, so much to choose from, such little time!
And yet, these were exactly the options I wanted to be choosing from and exactly the people I wanted to be choosing with. This, my friend, is what I wish we could do with our time every day of the year. Not just the proportionally few days we have on the calendar each year earmarked as "vacation days." Even those - like I said - tend to be over-planned and a bit too rush, rush, rush for my taste. No, it's really these gifts of surprise family days that are really my favorite and really showcase the way I'd chose to spend my time, if always given the choice and never had to worry about that pesky little thing we call "earning money."
Thankfully, with my usual mornings off from work each day, and my Fridays completely off, and Hubby's somewhat random work schedule where he may get a day off here and there within a month, we do get to have family days maybe a bit more often than others. Of course, that's assuming that the stars have aligned perfectly so that Sweetie's occasional days off from school join with Hubby and my time off. But it has been known to happen. And when it does - what a joy! This, I always think, is how we really should be living. This is what I want to be doing with my time. I'll take as many days as I can get of time spent like this with these two wonderful people.
With that, I am going to be more aware of how I can experience my personal joy as often as possible. I will do my part to make time each day to 1) do something for myself, 2) do something for others, and 3) do something with my family. I've already started on this for some things and feel well on the path towards succeeding at the others.
For me, I'm taking steps towards caring more about the person I present to the outside world. It may seem shallow and unnecessary, but for me, this means putting on a little makeup before leaving the house (something I've gotten out of the habit of doing over the last few years, save for big occasions like weddings or dinners out - maybe.) And also, well... I'm an itty bitty thing - tiny. On the verge of being, if not already, too tiny. I could stand to gain some weight is what I'm sayin'. And so I'm working on that as well. Trying to be more conscious about putting more food than I usually do into my body. That's my goal. More meat on my bones and a face made up just enough to say, "Hey, I care about the image I'm showcasing to the world. Not vain. Just considerate enough of the people I'll meet during my day to let them know I took a bit of time to look my best for myself and others."
As I said, I already feel helpful at my evening job where I help people over the phone figure out how to handle some of their financial difficulties. It seems like a simple enough job that "anybody" could do. But I beg to differ. You really have to be personable and honestly caring enough to want to see these people get through their trying situations as best they can. I especially feel satisfied when I can assist others who, perhaps, had previously thought there was no assistance to be had. I'd like to find more opportunities each and every day to do what I can to help others in need. It may be a simple act of kindness or a more grand gesture of giving. Whatever. Helping others, I've learned, is a truly wonderful feeling. Lord knows I've been helped time and again by other caring souls. And how grateful I am when helped! To be on the other end of that situation, however, can be and often is even better than receiving. Let's keep it going as best we can!
And finally, making the time to spend more time with my family. Meaning "just" Hubby and Sweetie and my extended family as well. In terms of Hubby and Sweetie, it often seems to be the case that we're all off at school or work and have, in reality, very limited "work week" time to be together, all three of us. Especially those 3 evenings a week I'm at the call center. But there's always those few minutes after I come home those nights. A few minutes left in Sweetie's day before it's her bedtime. A few minutes where we can check in with each other, find out how each of our days were, and find out what we can do to prepare for the day ahead. But, mostly, just enjoy each other's company in the "now." A little time to cuddle on the couch, read a bedtime story, or all watch together on TV a favorite family show. Nothing to worry about. Just being. Together. Now.
As the saying goes (paraphrased): No one's going to get to the end of their life and feel like they should have spent more time in the office or made more money or purchased more "things." I'm certainly not, anyway. No, I may not always use my time as wisely as I could have. I may sometimes sit and watch TV and "waste" away a good part of some days. I may wish the not-so-great parts of some days would hurry up and get over with so that I could just get back to the good part again! But in all cases, whatever is happening in my world, I am going to make an effort to appreciate each moment I'm given. To use up as many of those 86,400 seconds of each day's account doing what I can to enjoy life, help others enjoy theirs, and not wish away time to quickly get to whatever the next mile marker is on the map.
After all, each day is a gift. That's why it's called the present.
May your present be all you wish it to be and more.
She likened each day's second's - totaling 86,400 - to the amount in a bank account. An account that refreshes each day with a new 86,400 "dollars", but yet never allows you to carry over any amount of "money" from one day to the next. Each day you are only allowed just 86,400 "dollars."
How would you spend this amount, knowing that to leave any of it untouched at the end of a day is to leave it wasted behind?
Funny. I had been considering how fast time seems to be slipping away from me even before this sermon. And so our speaker's words only impressed upon me that much more how important it is to lead a meaningful life.
I read on Facebook as friend after friend greets each new Monday with an "Ugh" and a sincere wish that this may be yet another week that gets itself back to Friday as quickly as possible. Now, I like Fridays and weekends just as much as the next guy - possibly more, because I don't work outside of the home on Fridays, making my weekends longer. But still. I'm feeling more and more like our collective race to every weekend is just us racing by our lives. Weekends are only 2 days long! What about the other 5 days? Can't "we" appreciate the moments of every day we are given, and not just our Saturdays and Sundays?
In fact, for me and our small family - and I know for most families out there! - the weekends are times of getting household chores done and taking care of personal/family business that had to be set aside during the too-busy work week. Ask me on any given Monday how my weekend was and what we did and I guarantee that I most likely could not tell you off the top of my head what I or we did. I could tell you in general that it was "good" or that it was "busy" or even that we did "something." But for me to give you much more specific information than that without time to really sit back and remember - forget it. Weekends tend to be whirlwind times of grocery shopping, laundry, errands, this, that and the other thing. Hopefully some fun as well, but no promises on that one unfortunately. And they always, always go by too fast. Blink 2 blinks and there we are, already back at Monday. Yay.
You see, we think weekends are great family times, but really, they're typically just as nutty as the rest of the week. Just in a different sort of way.
As for my work week - there I sit, during the afternoon/evenings of Tues - Thurs., at one of my many jobs. This particular job is one I've come to really enjoy, actually. I am given a chance to help people manage their financial difficulties, which makes me feel really good.
And you know what else I love about it? The time just flies by!
4:00 - 8:00 p.m. Four hours. It simply whizzes by. I get to color while I'm on the phone. Or do mazes. My latest "thing" is to work on word searches during these times. I can get about 3 complicated word searches done in 3 1/2 hours (in between phone calls and a break), leaving just about 30 minutes to go - time during which I dream of being home soon with Hubby and Sweetie, able to relax with a cup of tea and maybe figure out the mystery of some "murder shows" with Hubby - before my shift for that night is over. In no time at all, it seems, I'm in my car and on my way home. That was easy!
It all sounds pretty sweet, huh? A "cooshy" job like this in a relaxed environment that passes by so quickly. Great!
But think about it, really. I love this job in part because the time flies so readily, getting me home that much more "quickly" (or so it seems) to my Hubby and Sweetie. Now, that's the time I'm really looking forward to!
Then there are the occasional surprise "vacation" days we are granted. Like our snow storm day we had on Wednesday this week. A full out blizzard in this part of the world, where hundreds of schools were closed, and both Hubby and I we told to stay safe at home instead of venturing out to our work places.
I just love family days! Especially unplanned ones where all that typical errand-running, chaotic weekendy type stuff is not part of the plan for the day. On days like these, I feel like there are an endless supply of great things we can do, but practically nothing we have to do. Love it, love it, love it!
So on snow day Wednesday - sure - I/we took care of some necessary items at first, including finishing up homework and doing the dishes after cooking lunch. But then we could do whatever! Oh, the choices!
I could: read, cross stitch, watch a movie with Sweetie and Hubby, take a nap, work with Sweetie on one of the many puzzles she got for Christmas and her birthday, write this here blog post, play a game (either with Sweetie and/or Hubby or on my own on my Ipod), etc., etc., etc.... A little for me, a little for others, a little with others. Oh, so much to choose from, such little time!
And yet, these were exactly the options I wanted to be choosing from and exactly the people I wanted to be choosing with. This, my friend, is what I wish we could do with our time every day of the year. Not just the proportionally few days we have on the calendar each year earmarked as "vacation days." Even those - like I said - tend to be over-planned and a bit too rush, rush, rush for my taste. No, it's really these gifts of surprise family days that are really my favorite and really showcase the way I'd chose to spend my time, if always given the choice and never had to worry about that pesky little thing we call "earning money."
Thankfully, with my usual mornings off from work each day, and my Fridays completely off, and Hubby's somewhat random work schedule where he may get a day off here and there within a month, we do get to have family days maybe a bit more often than others. Of course, that's assuming that the stars have aligned perfectly so that Sweetie's occasional days off from school join with Hubby and my time off. But it has been known to happen. And when it does - what a joy! This, I always think, is how we really should be living. This is what I want to be doing with my time. I'll take as many days as I can get of time spent like this with these two wonderful people.
With that, I am going to be more aware of how I can experience my personal joy as often as possible. I will do my part to make time each day to 1) do something for myself, 2) do something for others, and 3) do something with my family. I've already started on this for some things and feel well on the path towards succeeding at the others.
For me, I'm taking steps towards caring more about the person I present to the outside world. It may seem shallow and unnecessary, but for me, this means putting on a little makeup before leaving the house (something I've gotten out of the habit of doing over the last few years, save for big occasions like weddings or dinners out - maybe.) And also, well... I'm an itty bitty thing - tiny. On the verge of being, if not already, too tiny. I could stand to gain some weight is what I'm sayin'. And so I'm working on that as well. Trying to be more conscious about putting more food than I usually do into my body. That's my goal. More meat on my bones and a face made up just enough to say, "Hey, I care about the image I'm showcasing to the world. Not vain. Just considerate enough of the people I'll meet during my day to let them know I took a bit of time to look my best for myself and others."
As I said, I already feel helpful at my evening job where I help people over the phone figure out how to handle some of their financial difficulties. It seems like a simple enough job that "anybody" could do. But I beg to differ. You really have to be personable and honestly caring enough to want to see these people get through their trying situations as best they can. I especially feel satisfied when I can assist others who, perhaps, had previously thought there was no assistance to be had. I'd like to find more opportunities each and every day to do what I can to help others in need. It may be a simple act of kindness or a more grand gesture of giving. Whatever. Helping others, I've learned, is a truly wonderful feeling. Lord knows I've been helped time and again by other caring souls. And how grateful I am when helped! To be on the other end of that situation, however, can be and often is even better than receiving. Let's keep it going as best we can!
And finally, making the time to spend more time with my family. Meaning "just" Hubby and Sweetie and my extended family as well. In terms of Hubby and Sweetie, it often seems to be the case that we're all off at school or work and have, in reality, very limited "work week" time to be together, all three of us. Especially those 3 evenings a week I'm at the call center. But there's always those few minutes after I come home those nights. A few minutes left in Sweetie's day before it's her bedtime. A few minutes where we can check in with each other, find out how each of our days were, and find out what we can do to prepare for the day ahead. But, mostly, just enjoy each other's company in the "now." A little time to cuddle on the couch, read a bedtime story, or all watch together on TV a favorite family show. Nothing to worry about. Just being. Together. Now.
As the saying goes (paraphrased): No one's going to get to the end of their life and feel like they should have spent more time in the office or made more money or purchased more "things." I'm certainly not, anyway. No, I may not always use my time as wisely as I could have. I may sometimes sit and watch TV and "waste" away a good part of some days. I may wish the not-so-great parts of some days would hurry up and get over with so that I could just get back to the good part again! But in all cases, whatever is happening in my world, I am going to make an effort to appreciate each moment I'm given. To use up as many of those 86,400 seconds of each day's account doing what I can to enjoy life, help others enjoy theirs, and not wish away time to quickly get to whatever the next mile marker is on the map.
After all, each day is a gift. That's why it's called the present.
May your present be all you wish it to be and more.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Fostering the Greatness
In my work I was recently presented with the opportunity to watch a video of a woman discussing how to raise a happy, spiritually strong family. It's no matter to my story here who this woman was or the particular details of the video at large. But just one revelation she shared about children in particular struck a cord with me.
I'll be paraphrasing here. But what she said, in a nutshell, was that it is her great belief and spiritual understanding that children are brought into this world "complete." All the love and goodness that every human is meant to hold is already them. Parenting, therefore, is not a mission of putting things into a child - add a little kindness, respect, confidence, intelligence, etc., etc. - but an act of uncovering and developing what already lies within.
Wow.
To me, that sounds just about right. And it's probably the way I've always thought of children, even though I didn't have the words to express it as such. A child is pure light, pure love, pure innocence. Parents just act as the fosterers of all this goodness, doing what we can to make sure the best of our children is brought to light.
Does this mean that a child left entirely on his or her own will automatically become good? Indeed, the very image of all that is perfectly perfect? After all, if a child comes into this world already complete, as this speaker suggested, then by the very nature of this child, he or she should be nothing but light, happiness and goodness if left to his or her own devices. Yes?
Absolutely not. We've all seen and read those terrible stories of feral children tragically abandoned, living on their own and doing whatever it takes just to get through each day. Animalistic impulses take over. Basic survival mode kicks in. Such children "live" a life that looks nowhere near anything like what we imagine a wholly complete child to look like.
Not to say such children are not themselves innately complete, as my speaker insists. They just have not had the human interaction and the parental loving guidance to have all of their greatness brought out to the surface of their being.
Or what about those children who live in absolutely wonderful (by the generally accepted definition) family environments, but yet tend to display their "bad" streak? A "terror" on the playground and in play groups. Always getting in trouble at school. Always with the bad attitude, back talking behavior and bullying spirit.
Or maybe not even that bad! Let's say the most loving, giving parents you could imagine simply have a rambunctious child who never seems to listen and takes pleasure in pulling silly pranks and engaging in general "spirited" play.
Well, remember. If we accept the idea that all children are born complete, well then... that would have to include some of the not-so-great behaviors and attitudes as well, wouldn't it? Yes, this is where I may very well distance myself from the speaker's ideas. Perhaps she only believes that children are born with complete goodness. (full disclosure: I did not have the time to watch her entire 30+ minute talk, so I cannot say where exactly she would have taken this idea further along in her speech. But, to me, I am thrilled enough that her initial words gave me such cause to think on this subject for myself and take it where I personally wish.) But I'd have to say, if we're truly talking complete here, then you'd have to include the lesser traits as well. Even the downright evil traits. Complete means complete in my book.
As such, perhaps these children with the impish behaviors - or worse! - even those who come from goodhearted families offering wonderful guidance and love every day, well... maybe these kids need just a bit more guidance to get past their naturally strong-willed "trying" sides before breaking through to the goodness. I mean, we all know some very strong-willed people, am I right? Babies, children, teens, adults. Every person in the world is their own unique self. Some with a stronger pull toward the good, some with a hankering to test out the not-so-good as far as they can take it.
It's not to say that complete goodness is not in these children as well. They just may need a few more life lessons under to their belts before they finally appreciate it.
And, sadly, some never do. Even after a childhood raised with the best of love and the best of intentions.
At any rate. I am certainly no expert on this at all. Of course. And, as I said, I wasn't able to listen to this speaker's entire lecture. A lecture where I could have heard her views on this flip side of the coin. Who knows. As I've said, it's simply her initial words that made me stop in my tracks and take a new look at parenthood. I cannot, do not, intend to provide all the answers for every situation here. All I can do is take her words for myself and see how they apply to my life and my experiences as a parent.
Perhaps her words touched me so much because of how often I look at Sweetie and wonder, "how is it that we are blessed with such a bright, caring, sweet, confident, multi-faceted, self-proclaimed great little girl?" And then I think to myself, "surely I am completely biased and no one else sees Sweetie as I see her. I know there are millions of wonderful little spit-fire kids out there just like her who are ready to take on the world toward success, all while displaying a loving, kind spirit respectful of themselves and others. It's just not Sweetie. Sure, she is pretty darn great. But no need to get carried away either. Just remember her stubbornness, eye-rolling, non-ability to listen well, etc., etc., etc..."
Sure. others have told me what a unique child she is. Others have complemented her smarts, recognized her imagination, been impressed by her deep understanding of various subjects. But, again, I am her mom. Of course I am impressed by her. And I love to see when others are impressed by her as well. But, you know... she's not all that amazing. And I certainly do not want to put that kind of label or pressure on her. After all, she's just a kid, trying to understand her world, test her limits, experience her effect on others, and make the most of each day.
Aren't we all.
At any rate... even though I've been doing this whole mom thing for 8 years now, I still cannot get over how in awe I am of Sweetie on a daily basis. And, again, wondering how in the world it is that she's turned into this multi-faceted "great!" human being we are priveledged to know. Priveledged to help foster into a greater understanding of her complete self. From 2 parents who feel anything but completely whole - how is it that Sweetie has such grace, confidence, curiousity and enthusiasm for life at only 8 years old?
Or do we feel whole?
If I'd allow myself to do it, I could easily jot down a whole laundry list of reasons why I do not feel whole. I can give you a few examples. No defined career and no real financial stability seem like obvious check marks to make in the "incomplete" list. But then again...
If we're talking about personal traits, the love and support of family and friends, and life lessons learned and appreciated... well, then. I say my cup runneth over!
And while I cannot speak for Hubby, my educated opinion is that he feels rather the same way about his life.
And the two of us together? Well, that's just the best! Where I am weak, he is strong and vice versa. We bolster each other up, we comfort each other in sadness, and we try to live a life that's full of life.
And when it comes to Sweetie, we rarely if ever disagree with how we are raising her.
We agree with how to discipline her and on what issues she needs to be disciplined. We agree on homework rules and household chores. We agree with the types of games, activities and general playtime fun we're happy for her to engage in. And we know better than to go against each other's decision when Sweetie has asked one or the other of us if she can do something or another.
And Sweetie knows this too.
She wanted to have a piece of gum the other morning at 8:30 a.m. Hubby and I both said no, it was too early for gum because gum is a type of candy and she hadn't even had breakfast yet.
Later, at about 10:30, I heard her ask Daddy again for a piece of gum. I was upstairs while they were down. Hubby decided this time that, yes, it was okay to have a piece.
I was impressed, though, when Sweetie came right upstairs to ask me the same question. "Didn't Daddy just tell you you could?"
"Yes."
"Well, then. It's okay with me."
"Okay. I just wanted to make sure."
Yes. when it comes to parenting, Hubby and I are definitely a team.
So while I can't point to anything particularly "great" I've done to foster a self-declared "great" personal outlook in Sweetie, I will say that I believe it's Hubby and I working together, along with the influence of close family members and friends, that helps cultivate in Sweetie all the wonderful greatness that she already possesses inside.
I love that we allow her to express her ideas and, when possible, we help to make her ideas reality (can anyone say butter costume?!)
I love that she appreciates intelligence, enjoys having interesting family discussions at dinner, and does not shy away from her smarts in the classroom or with friends.
I love how Hubby and I have been able to stress the importance of self confidence and expressing an outgoing nature, even though he and I both lack in these departments. From our shortcomings, Sweetie has learned a great lesson and been able to flourish for not only herself but for others as well.
Even though it is sometimes maddening to me, I appreciate for Sweetie's sake how her Daddy is so interested in so many different areas of life. He's an artist, a scientist, a woodworker, a hiker, a cook and baker, and in charge of his health. Despite how crazy it can drive a wife, I have to admit that Sweetie is learning great lessons about exploring interests and not settling into any one compartment.
It's hard for me to look from the inside out to say anything about what I've alone brought to Sweetie's development. Since Hubby seems to do it all, I at times feel much the lesser parent. But then again... I do know Sweetie has learned from me, quietly, in many different ways. How not to judge others who are seemingly "different," for instance. Her understanding that a person can do anything they wish as long as they try hard and adapt to the best plan possible for them. And maybe, yes, even some of her personal strength of character may have come directly from having little ol' me as a Mama.
I know I gush on and on about Sweetie here. You may think that after 8 years, the wonder that is Sweetie would have settled a little for me. But you'd be wrong. Of course, she can drive me absolutely batty with her snappy tones, eye rolls, and other nit picks only a parent can pick on. Certainly she's nowhere near the "perfect" child my writing sometimes expresses her to be! But through it all, she's just as amazing to me today as she was when she was born. Before she was born! And you may be tired of reading all my ramblings. That's completely fair. Slightly different variation on the same theme and all that. But at the same time, I suppose you wouldn't have made it to the end of this post if that's how you feel. Thank you for letting me explode with my typical love rants.
I am grateful for having listened to even a portion of the above mentioned speaker's lecture. and to begin to truly understand what my role in raising my daughter is.
Here's to seeing her grow in the years to come and doing what I can, along with Hubby, to make sure we bring out the very best in our Sweet girl.
Sure. others have told me what a unique child she is. Others have complemented her smarts, recognized her imagination, been impressed by her deep understanding of various subjects. But, again, I am her mom. Of course I am impressed by her. And I love to see when others are impressed by her as well. But, you know... she's not all that amazing. And I certainly do not want to put that kind of label or pressure on her. After all, she's just a kid, trying to understand her world, test her limits, experience her effect on others, and make the most of each day.
Aren't we all.
At any rate... even though I've been doing this whole mom thing for 8 years now, I still cannot get over how in awe I am of Sweetie on a daily basis. And, again, wondering how in the world it is that she's turned into this multi-faceted "great!" human being we are priveledged to know. Priveledged to help foster into a greater understanding of her complete self. From 2 parents who feel anything but completely whole - how is it that Sweetie has such grace, confidence, curiousity and enthusiasm for life at only 8 years old?
Or do we feel whole?
If I'd allow myself to do it, I could easily jot down a whole laundry list of reasons why I do not feel whole. I can give you a few examples. No defined career and no real financial stability seem like obvious check marks to make in the "incomplete" list. But then again...
If we're talking about personal traits, the love and support of family and friends, and life lessons learned and appreciated... well, then. I say my cup runneth over!
And while I cannot speak for Hubby, my educated opinion is that he feels rather the same way about his life.
And the two of us together? Well, that's just the best! Where I am weak, he is strong and vice versa. We bolster each other up, we comfort each other in sadness, and we try to live a life that's full of life.
And when it comes to Sweetie, we rarely if ever disagree with how we are raising her.
We agree with how to discipline her and on what issues she needs to be disciplined. We agree on homework rules and household chores. We agree with the types of games, activities and general playtime fun we're happy for her to engage in. And we know better than to go against each other's decision when Sweetie has asked one or the other of us if she can do something or another.
And Sweetie knows this too.
She wanted to have a piece of gum the other morning at 8:30 a.m. Hubby and I both said no, it was too early for gum because gum is a type of candy and she hadn't even had breakfast yet.
Later, at about 10:30, I heard her ask Daddy again for a piece of gum. I was upstairs while they were down. Hubby decided this time that, yes, it was okay to have a piece.
I was impressed, though, when Sweetie came right upstairs to ask me the same question. "Didn't Daddy just tell you you could?"
"Yes."
"Well, then. It's okay with me."
"Okay. I just wanted to make sure."
Yes. when it comes to parenting, Hubby and I are definitely a team.
So while I can't point to anything particularly "great" I've done to foster a self-declared "great" personal outlook in Sweetie, I will say that I believe it's Hubby and I working together, along with the influence of close family members and friends, that helps cultivate in Sweetie all the wonderful greatness that she already possesses inside.
I love that we allow her to express her ideas and, when possible, we help to make her ideas reality (can anyone say butter costume?!)
I love that she appreciates intelligence, enjoys having interesting family discussions at dinner, and does not shy away from her smarts in the classroom or with friends.
I love how Hubby and I have been able to stress the importance of self confidence and expressing an outgoing nature, even though he and I both lack in these departments. From our shortcomings, Sweetie has learned a great lesson and been able to flourish for not only herself but for others as well.
Even though it is sometimes maddening to me, I appreciate for Sweetie's sake how her Daddy is so interested in so many different areas of life. He's an artist, a scientist, a woodworker, a hiker, a cook and baker, and in charge of his health. Despite how crazy it can drive a wife, I have to admit that Sweetie is learning great lessons about exploring interests and not settling into any one compartment.
It's hard for me to look from the inside out to say anything about what I've alone brought to Sweetie's development. Since Hubby seems to do it all, I at times feel much the lesser parent. But then again... I do know Sweetie has learned from me, quietly, in many different ways. How not to judge others who are seemingly "different," for instance. Her understanding that a person can do anything they wish as long as they try hard and adapt to the best plan possible for them. And maybe, yes, even some of her personal strength of character may have come directly from having little ol' me as a Mama.
I know I gush on and on about Sweetie here. You may think that after 8 years, the wonder that is Sweetie would have settled a little for me. But you'd be wrong. Of course, she can drive me absolutely batty with her snappy tones, eye rolls, and other nit picks only a parent can pick on. Certainly she's nowhere near the "perfect" child my writing sometimes expresses her to be! But through it all, she's just as amazing to me today as she was when she was born. Before she was born! And you may be tired of reading all my ramblings. That's completely fair. Slightly different variation on the same theme and all that. But at the same time, I suppose you wouldn't have made it to the end of this post if that's how you feel. Thank you for letting me explode with my typical love rants.
I am grateful for having listened to even a portion of the above mentioned speaker's lecture. and to begin to truly understand what my role in raising my daughter is.
Here's to seeing her grow in the years to come and doing what I can, along with Hubby, to make sure we bring out the very best in our Sweet girl.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Better Than Awesome
Scenes from our holidays:
I think we should get up Christmas morning, go downstairs to look at the tree, have Dad's cinnamon rolls for breakfast, then look in our stockings and open our presents.
Awesome! I can make anything with this piece of wood!
No, my Christmas wasn't good. It was GREAT!
Yeah, I got lots of things for Christmas! I even got more presents than just what was under the tree or in my stocking!
I'm so excited for New Years Day! It's going to be GREAT!
Good morning! It's 7:35 (a.m., New Years Eve) and I can't wait to wake up tomorrow morning!
(11:15 p.m. New Years Eve, as Sweetie cuddles in close to me - wide awake) I'm just getting ready for our (midnight) kiss.
No, (the show) wasn't awesome. It was better than awesome!
(After hearing a news sound bite saying "I think our best days are ahead of us.") I think our best day was yesterday, 'cuz we got to see Blue Man Group!
Thank you, Sweetie, for a better than awesome Christmas, vacation week, and New Years Day. Time with you and Daddy will always be my best days - past, present and future.
I think we should get up Christmas morning, go downstairs to look at the tree, have Dad's cinnamon rolls for breakfast, then look in our stockings and open our presents.
Awesome! I can make anything with this piece of wood!
No, my Christmas wasn't good. It was GREAT!
Yeah, I got lots of things for Christmas! I even got more presents than just what was under the tree or in my stocking!
I'm so excited for New Years Day! It's going to be GREAT!
Good morning! It's 7:35 (a.m., New Years Eve) and I can't wait to wake up tomorrow morning!
(11:15 p.m. New Years Eve, as Sweetie cuddles in close to me - wide awake) I'm just getting ready for our (midnight) kiss.
No, (the show) wasn't awesome. It was better than awesome!
(After hearing a news sound bite saying "I think our best days are ahead of us.") I think our best day was yesterday, 'cuz we got to see Blue Man Group!
Thank you, Sweetie, for a better than awesome Christmas, vacation week, and New Years Day. Time with you and Daddy will always be my best days - past, present and future.
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