Our Changing Bodies (and Minds)

I didn't write about it, but about a month ago I had "the talk" with Sweetie.

I'd been thinking about it - in an abstract sort of way - figuring I should probably get around to doing that soon, but, eh. Not yet. And then a note came home from school saying that the 4th grade was going to be watching "the video" about growing up and hygiene and puberty. 

Well, then. I guess I better talk to her. Thanks so much, Sweetie's elementary school, for forcing the subject.

At any rate, I didn't write about this primarily as a means to keep some privacy on this for Sweetie. (aannnnddd... there goes that privacy.) Suffice it to say the talk went waaaayyyy better than I imagined it could/would have, I had a fantastic book to share with her on the subject, she learned beyond the point that she "needed" to for the school video, Sweetie showed some genuine interest in the miracle and science of everything, and she was not/has not been embarrassed to talk about or ask questions of both Hubby and I ever since. 

Phew! 

In the meantime, the only "changing bodies" I've noticed going on around here is my own. Good, bad, and indifferent. 

I went to McDonalds a few weeks back twice within a relatively short span of time. And immediately after both trips? I felt awful. So blah and bloated and just plain gross. I'd been to McDonalds plenty of times before! Never had I felt like this. But these two trips proved it loud and clear - crappy food makes me feel crappy, even if it never did before. No more McDonalds, or the like, for me.

I have also always started my day with a cup of tea. I'm not a coffee drinker (unless you consider mochas true coffee.) Tea is my thing. I can't go on with my day without it. Yet, a couple months back I realized that, day after day after day, after having my morning tea, I was feeling buzzed. I don't like feeling caffeine buzzed. Makes me feel sick. But, there it was. Every day, all of a sudden, after having tea every morning for years, I was feeling the ill-effects of the caffeine. I couldn't even finish the cup, I felt so yucky. Luckily, after telling this to Hubby, he reminded me how to "decaffeinate" my regular tea (I hate the taste of decaffeinated teas and herbal teas) by letting it steep for 20 - 30 seconds, pouring out that tea, then pouring my actual cup of tea from there. Brilliant! This works, and so I can now, again, drink my morning tea without feeling sick.

Another change that I've notice of late is that I'm no longer experiencing night sweats, as I have for the last couple years or so every night. Sure, I still have them every once in awhile. But nowhere near as regularly as before. Yay for this lovely change!

All these bodily changes for me I can attest, I think, to the CoQ10 I've been taking since shortly after my physical earlier this year. I have also been wearing, for the last month or so, an amber necklace. Mostly, if you know about amber necklaces at all, you probably have heard of them for babies and the healing properties they afford them while teething. But, I wanted to try it for myself to see if it could offer me any relief from my bodily aches and/or the night sweats issue, and/or in any other way. Of course, because I started the CoQ10 and wearing the necklace within roughly the same time period, I can't know which is working for me in what way. And, I guess I don't really care. In the end, I am seeing some changes, all of which are forcing me to live a more healthy lifestyle. And this is a good thing!

As for Sweetie... you know what I've noticed since having "the talk" with her? Sweetie has been both much more imaginative (regressing?) and more her own person (progressing.) Neither of which has anything, really, to do with "the talk" or "the book," of course. But, now that she knows some of these secrets of growing up, now that she has this milestone information under her belt, it is fascinating to watch how she's growing, processing, and behaving as she edges closer and closer to actually experiencing this new phase in life that, at this point, she only has book knowledge of. 

She's pretending a lot more. Or maybe I'm just noticing it more? And in her pretend play, it's so interesting to me to see how she adapts real situations to her imaginative worlds. 

She goes to work with me and my boss comes in, putting her purse down on the empty chair at her desk. My boss leaves the room, Sweetie comes back in and sees the purse there. Sweetie is offended that the purse has now crushed her friend! (A minute later) "Well, she didn't get crushed. She got up just before the purse was put down. (Another minute later) "And she couldn't be crushed anyway! She's not tiny... she's as big as I am!" (Eye roll like "Of course she is!")

She and I are in the car together and she tells me who all is in the car with us. Three other girls and two boys and four cats. Some of them are in the back seat, some of them are in the trunk. The cats are on the girls laps. She has names for everyone. One of her friends is Matilda - the Matilda! - so she's not actually in the car, but flying along outside the car, because she's magical like that. And the boys are riding motorcycles in front of us, and not in the trunk. Sweetie doesn't know why they have motorcycles - they just do. (Eye roll like, "Boys! Who knows why they do what they do!)

I could offer up so many more examples, but you get the point. Sweetie has a whole world going on in her imagination (I'm totally not surprised by this) and turns things over in her mind so much and so well in order to make them all fit real situations as best they can (still not surprising me - just impressing me with her ability to do this and her apparent need to not only do it, but share her world and the adjustments with me. Like it's important that I know things are all working out alright with her "friends" when at first they appeared to be in some tricky situations.) 

Good for you, Sweetie. You may not know it, but you're actually showing me that you'd know how to handle some pretty tricky situations too, if even you found yourself in some. You're always thinking, and that's a great thing!

So... more imaginary friends than I've ever been aware of before = regressing? Eh - maybe not. Maybe not at all. I think you're just working out some potentially real life situations in your elaborate pretend world before you get around to experiencing comparative situations in your own life. Not that being crushed by a purse or deciding between riding in the back seat, in the trunk, or on a motorcycle are anything you'll ever have to worry about yourself. But, you know. You're thinking, adjusting, fixing, and dealing with the situation at hand within your playing, which will help you in real life with so many things. Good for you! 

Sweetie is also, like I said, establishing herself more and more as her own person these days. Not in any huge display or anything. But simple little things.

I'm excited to hear on the radio, then find a video, of a song I heard for the first time at Sweetie's end-of-year talent show. A song I thought was just a simple playground song and game with cups. But now I know it's really a thing. I love the song and think the trick with the cups is cool, so I bring some cups home and work with Sweetie for a bit to learn. I mention on Facebook that Sweetie and I are going to learn this. I keep going back to it when we have some time. Aaannnddd... Sweetie finally tells me she's really not as interested in learning this as I am. 

Sweetie wants to play a game with me. We usually have some difficulty deciding on a game we both enjoy. Then I remember one that we've played before. Let's play that! Aaannnddd... she doesn't like that game as much as I think she does.

I want to watch TV. It's easier for Sweetie and I to watch TV together when Daddy's not around. We can watch the silly reality competition shows that he doesn't like. Dancing with the Stars, So You Think You Can Dance, The Voice... whatever. So I pull up (on Hulu) one of my favorites - So You Think You Can Dance - because I know she and I both love this! Aaannnddd... no. Sweetie, in fact, does not like that show as much as I think she does. Not really at all, in fact. 

What?! Who are you? What have you done with my Sweetie! My Sweetie loves all these things, just like I do! What's going on here?!

Huh. What's going on here, is Sweetie learning to assert herself more, and make her own decisions more on what is good and fun, cool and enjoyable to her, regardless of what I and Hubby like. Sweetie is growing up.

I should have been a psychologist. 

Changes, they are a-happenin' all around. For me and her. With more changes to come! Fun, fun. But, it's all good. We are both strong females ready for whatever this world has to offer us. Ready for the next stage of life. 

We can do it.

Bring it on!

Tell Me What to Do

I'm sitting here drinking my third glass of water today.

Because I was told to.

By a video game.

That's right.

My Hubby and I are big fans of Ted Talks. Recently, were were watching talks from the Life Hacks collection and came across this one. And when it was over? We both said, "We've got to play this game!"

And now, we've been exploring the world of SuperBetter - with its Power Ups, Bad Guys, Quests and Activities. And one of the daily Quests we each need to conquer is the Drink a Glass of Water Every Two Hours challenge - better known as "Leave the Shriveling to the Raisins."

And so... I'm drinking my third glass of water today. More glasses to come.

There's something about being told - everyday - what to do and how well to treat yourself, all while earning points in the accomplishments, that makes you not want to fail. No, I didn't say "makes you want to do it." But "not want to fail." And how I do the game is, I look in the morning at the choices amongst all the Power Ups, Defeating the Bad Guys, and Quests, decide what I'll do that day, and click that "I Did This!" Then, for the rest of my day, I know what I have to do. What I already said I did. To not do them would be to go against what I promised myself I'd get done.

I know myself. I am a procrastinator. I have low personal motivation. I compartmentalize. I put off for later what I know darn well I have the means to accomplish right now. I won't do things when it's solely up to me to make the decision to do it.

So this game - with my Hubby as my Ally and I as his - is, I think, really great. It forces us to look after our own and each other's heath and wellbeing every single day. Forces us to check in with ourselves and each other to make sure our physical and mental health is good. Or at least improving. Forces us to adopt a different attitude about daily struggles and stresses. It states, in black and white and in colorful video form, what we can do to ensure a happy, healthy, regret-free lifestyle.

It's pretty cool.

So, I will drink my glasses of water everyday now. Even though I've "known" all along how healthy and important it is to drink water. Now I'm being "watched." By me. And Hubby. Now I have to do what I set out to do each day. I must do healthy activities for my mind and body.

And, I can create my own Quests as well. Hmmm... I know a few things I've been ignoring lately that I can add to my daily mix.

Looks like my days may be getting busier.

Because I said so.

I'm such a taskmaster.

Experience the Gifts

I'm sure I must have written about this philosophy before, but I'll say it again: I contend that the best gifts out there are ones of experience, not materialism.

I'm sick of us gifting Sweetie with what we think are "the best/coolest gifts ever!" just for her to toss them aside after not even a week of play time.

In fact, I came up with what I think is absolutely a brilliant idea: We'll start gifting the other kids in our family, and those of our friends, with these "really cool gifts" we find. Alternatively, we'll give Sweetie (mostly) gifts of experience. That way, whenever we visit said friends and family with the cool stuff, Sweetie will be more than eager to play with and enjoy them. And yet, they won't be played with, broken and/or used up, and strewn about our house when she's quickly lost interest in them. 

Win/win! Other kids we love will get cool stuff, and Sweetie will not only have limited access to these things, but the memory of "experience gifts" to last her a lifetime. 

_______________

Last weekend Hubby and I and Sweetie headed into Boston for the day to celebrate my birthday. 

We rode the Swan Boats, 

saw the ducklings, 

walked a portion of The Freedom Trail

(with specific focus on all the Historical UU landmarks along our path - including the home of Louisa May Alcott. Yay!),

 did some geocaching, met up with friends we haven't seen in awhile, had lunch at Faneuil Hall,

and stopped off for sushi at our favorite restaurant on our way back home. And can I just tell you? It was the Best Day Ever!!! 

________________

One evening a couple weeks ago, when we were finally all home, Sweetie asked if there was anything good on T.V. that night. (We have Hulu, so we pretty much watch as we want, and have access to most shows the day after they air, which is usually when we watch our favorite shows.) We said, "No. Not really." And that was the answer Sweetie was after! "Good!" she said. "I was hoping you'd say that. Because I was really wanting to have a Family Night with you tonight. You know, play some games, read, that sort of thing!" We were totally onboard with that. Ended up playing a few rounds of Apples to Apples, with our 4th player being one of our cats. So much silly fun! And such a nice change, as Sweetie said, from our usual just sitting down in front of the T.V. all night. You got that right!

_________________

Sweetie recently did a short essay on something she read about in a kids newspaper her classroom gets - the new Matilda: The Musical showing currently in NYC. As Sweetie understood it, she thought the show had come and gone (as plays usually do, in these parts) after just a short stretch of performances. She wrote that she was sad about this, as Matilda is both her favorite movie and book, and she would have loved to have seen it. 

I pointed out to her that this was a NYC musical and that those usually run for a long, long time. Still - it's NYC, and pricey, and still not likely that we'd get to go see it. Maybe it would come to Boston one day?

Then I started fantasizing about making this wish of Sweetie's come true. I did all the math of the ticket cost and travel expenses, staying overnight, etc., etc. And it actually seems like we can do it! I'd been wanting to go to Disney World forever. Still do. But this trip to NYC would be way less expensive than that, and just as - if not more - thrilling for Sweetie. 

Some talking with Hubby later, and - we're doing it! Christmas 2013 is going to be lots different for us than previous Christmases. Far fewer material gifts, much more puzzling and magical figuring out, and a huge gift for our little family of these tickets and weekend trip to look forward to next Spring. 

I'm so excited! Sweetie's going to be so excited! And she's old enough to have this be a memory she'll treasure for the rest of her life. 

Experience gifts - so much better than material gifts that get quickly tossed aside. Toys are often banged up, broken, out-grown, and/or forgotten in no time at all. 

Gifts of experience stay with you forever. 

I'm Not the Only One

Sweetie, then. You'd like an update?

Okay!

In a word, Sweetie is doing "great!" Wouldn't expect anything less of her, right? Heck, no!

(Although, little by little, I have noticed her very occasionally choosing other words, besides "great," to describe herself. We may be nearing the end of an era here, folks. For all my wishing she would use other words, well... it's kinda sad, actually.)

But, yes. Great! She's doing well in school, enjoying school, broadening her friendship circle, and generally lovin' life.

And I know - gosh, do I know - how often I come on here and write about my "amazing" little girl. Of course, Hubby and I think she is absolutely amazing, just as any good parent should feel about their own kid(s.) It's perfectly natural, and expected, that I would think this of my child...

...But it sure is nice when you hear that others also think your kid is pretty darn special.

Case in point: that stinkin' talent show. Do you know that rehearsals are 3 days a week for the whole month of May?! What crazy nonsense is this? In my day, a talent show was something you signed up for and got up onstage, unrehearsed, to show off your skillz. There was no practicing! You just did it! Hmmpphh. Not these days, I guess. The talent show is now a well crafted machine - well organized, well timed, diversified (talented) acts, the whole shebang.

Whatever.

So Sweetie went to the first of what was to be many rehearsals. After which, I received an email from one of the teachers in charge, stating that Sweetie was "fantastic" at practice and that she was "well ahead of the others." Also, because of this, and she knew Sweetie would practice on her own at home, Sweetie was offered the opportunity to only attend 1 rehearsal a week, instead of all 3. This teacher also said she offered this reduced schedule to only one other kid besides Sweetie. Was this okay with us?

Huh. lemme think... of course it's okay with us! Much easier on our logistics planning. Deal!

But what a nice thing to be told! Sweetie is one talented kid (singing) and she's not in need of hours and hours of prep work to put on a good show. Good going, Swee!

Also concerning this talent show... Sweetie will be singing "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry. Now, I think Sweetie has an amazing singing voice. I think she is really good. But, as I said, as her mom, I'm kind of supposed to think my kid is super talented. I'm totally biased.

And yet, Sweetie came home from her audition for the show, saying that she was told she didn't have to sing her whole song (remember? She was sick?), instead being complemented after just a few bars with "Wow! If you sing that well when you're sick, we can't wait to hear how good you sound when you're healthy!" Then being rewarded immediately with a place in the show. Cut to practice just the other day - one of the girls in Sweetie's class who's also in the talent show was asking Sweetie what she was doing in the show. When Sweetie told her she'd be singing "When I Die Young," the other girl (who is not particularly a friend of Sweetie's) responded with, "Cool! I love that song!" and she began to sing it. Sweetie says she then chimed in herself, at which this other girl stopped and said to Sweetie, "Wow! You have a really amazing singing voice!" and then brought her other friends over to listen.

Yep. I wasn't lyin'. She's got a darn good voice. And I can't wait to go see the show! (Now if only I could help her work with her nerves - the less nervous she is, the more apt she'll be to really belt out the song.)

Another thing Sweetie told us this past week is that she's been nominated to be 1 of 2 girls in her grade to manage taking down the American flag every day at school next year (2 5th grade boys put it up everyday, and 2 5th grade girls take it down.) I have watched this practice over the years and have always wondered how these kids get chosen to do what they do. And, well, I guess I still don't know for sure - because I'm not clear if Sweetie's classmates or teachers picked the kids they picked. My money is on the teachers doing the choosing. Based on level of responsibility? I suppose. Who knows. Heck, maybe it's all part of her teachers' plan (at my urging) to encourage more female-based friendships for Sweetie, as the 2 "flag girls" are bound to form a bond over the year. All I know is that Sweetie is the only kid from her classroom to have been chosen, while the other girl and 2 boys come from the other 4th grade classroom. And that she's pretty excited, and Hubby and I are pretty proud. This is an honor! Good going, Sweetie! Congratulations!

Beyond these recent examples, I can also point out what good grades Sweetie (usually) brings home. Yes, she had some minor blips on her last report card, but her recent progress report states things are looking way, way up! And not only does Sweetie have the smarts to produce great grades, but she honestly loves school. Not a terribly common feeling, especially as the years go on.

And my Sweetie - for the most part - is polite. Yes - oh, yes - I have definitely witnessed some decidedly not polite behavior from her. Sometimes far to often, for my taste. She's still pretty stubborn, and if she doesn't understand something she's being told or asked, she will get upset, maybe cry, and generally angry that she "doesn't understand." She can, therefore, come off as anything but polite. (Example: one of her Auntie's was trying to apologize to Sweetie the other day for "teasing" her about whether or not Sweetie's seen any movies lately. To which Sweetie clammed up, teared up, and would neither look at nor respond to her Auntie with anything more than a scowl. But when I asked Sweetie about this, I guessed Sweetie's problem. Sweetie asked me "What is she talking about?!" I asked her to remember 2 nights before when her Auntie was asking her about movies. "But you didn't feel like you were being teased, did you?" "No!" Yep. Auntie was apologizing for something she didn't have to apologize for, which sent Sweetie into her own little confused, angry-not-to-understand, shut-down mode. Ugh!)

All that said - yes - Sweetie is quite capable of being a very polite, considerate, well-mannered young lady. Hubby and I hear quite often about Sweetie's good behavior. It's just not us thinking she's a pretty great kid. She really is! Others have told us so, and we wholeheartedly agree. In fact, back last fall when she was in the local production of "Oliver!" she was recognized by her Boys & Girls Club (where the show was being produced) as a "shining example of Respect" - one of their core values. So proud!

Hubby and I actually talk about all this every now and then, pointing out to each other - when we hear tales of other parents' horror stories - that we've actually got it pretty good. Sweetie's biggest issue, as far as we're concerned, is her inability to listen sometimes. Okay, a lot of times. But that's just about it. She doesn't lie. She doesn't fight about her chores or homework. She offers to help out. She doesn't talk back. She plays well with others. All in all, she's a pretty great kid - and talented and smart to boot!

We think so, anyway.

It's nice to hear that others do as well.

Hopeless to Hopeful - I Hope

So, it's about time I check in with a Sweetie story, isn't it. Blah, blah, blah, Amy. Blah, blah, blah, me. A Sweetie story would be a nice switch, wouldn't you say?

Yah. It would.

Alas, not today. Maybe next time.

Until then... speaking of blah.... I'm feeling rather blah these days. Very much at a standstill. Pretty much done with trying, to no avail.

Tired.

Tired of checking in with my cannot-communicate-effectively physiatrist. Sick of giving him a large copay every month or so, for what? To tell him how things are going with my physical therapy? I can talk to my physical therapist about that! No need to involve him.

He did suggest, a couple months ago, that I try a cortisone shot in my hip to see if that would ease some of my pain. Just one hip though, to see how it goes. It seemed to go great! Seemed to help a lot. Awesome! So much so that, at my next appointment with him, he did a cortisone shot on my other hip. And.... No. Not good. Not good at all. Worse! Much worse. Really bad.

(I also went for a full body massage the afternoon I got that second shot, and I told him I was doing this. He didn't say a word - no warning at all that this may not be a good idea. So I had no idea. Was it the massage that made it worse? Did I just react differently to the shot in the other hip? Who knows. After a week 1/2 or so, it was all back to fine. Well, my normal pain, anyway. I think. Some days are still pretty bad, actually. Yay for consistency - not!)

So, now I... I just don't know if I see the point in going back to him. He can, and probably will continue to tell me all sorts of crazy weird options I have to get rid of the pain (something about frying the nerves??? Killing the nerves - non-surgically - so that they don't feel anything anymore??? No thanks.) But I don't want to do crazy weird. I don't want to do heavy narcotic drugs. If those are my only options, well... I guess I turn to acceptance, then, and move on. At least I had the MRI and have found out that it's arthritis and bursitis causing me grief and nothing else any worse than that, which is a relief. He even told me, right off the bat, that nothing is going to relieve my pain completely and/or permanently. I pretty much just have to suck it up and adapt.

Why keep going back?

And then there's PT, which I've been doing since - what? - March? It's... going. Eh. It's not that I feel I've hit a plateau. It's that I feel I'm the exact same as I was at the beginning! Save for those few weeks when the first cortisone shot helped me to feel better, I don't feel that the PT has done a gosh darn thing.

This whole time I've been doing aqua therapy. Which means I'm in the pool and my therapist is out, instructing me from the side. She's not in there with me, making sure I'm doing the exercises exactly as she wants me to do them. So I feel like, A) I'm either not doing the exercises right, and therefore am not progressing as I should, or, B) I am doing the exercises correctly, but they're just not the right exercises for me and aren't doing anything for my pain.

I feel like, because my body - namely, my legs and feet - work differently than the average, able-bodied person's, I can't physically do what she wants me to do. Or, okay, I can at least attempt to do the exercises as instructed and, okay, maybe, possibly this is all helping to build up new muscles for me. But, at the end of the day, I still have the same body mechanics I've always had, the same abilities and disabilities I've lived with my whole life, and so will walk out of the sessions and into my life going back to the same ways I've always used to get myself around as I need to do. I've adapted this walking style to suit me best/keep me doing what I need to do the only way I know how. 45 minutes of exercising twice a week is not going to change the grand scheme of how I get around. It's just not.

And so... I feel like I just want to be done with all of this too. Or at least, you know, maybe move out of the pool. Switch to doing exercises right with her, so she can coach me much more accurately. Tell me what I can do on land anywhere so that I can do exercises not only with her, but on my own as well. Have her position my body as she needs me to be in order to be correct. Do something new.

She also asks me all the time where my average pain level is at. I hate that question! I hate that "rate it from 0 - 10 with 0 being absolutely no pain and 10 being the worst pain you can possibly imagine" scale. From the get-go, I always put my pain at least at a 5, figuring why would anyone even ever seek out relief from pain if it wasn't at least at a 5? And so, if in my head my lowest tolerable pain is a 5, but I'm experiencing worse than tolerable pain, then I must at least be at a 7, right? And on my worst days ever? Well! That's an 8+ right there - easy!

But... A) there is a fair amount of time when my pain is really very low, if not completely not there. My worst pain basically comes when I change position - from sitting to standing, most often. So I have the bad pain, but after walking it off for 15 seconds or so, I'm more or less good. Or at least at the very low pain end of the range. And B) turns out I've been waaaayyy off with where to place my pain using this 0 - 10 system. Now, at least, instead of my therapist asking me for a number, she and I will work it through with some discussion (Does the pain make you cry? No. Is the pain just annoying, or does it make you really want to stop doing whatever's causing the pain? Makes me want to stop) and she'll tell me what number I'd be on the chart (some recent bad pain I had she rated at a 3 or 4 - which she thought was rather considerable pain. A 3 or 4 to me has always seemed a rather low number. Live and learn!)

---------------------------------

Another day. PT day. I haven't wanted to go. I haven't felt like it's been doing any good. I've felt like, maybe, even, it's been hurting me more!

I didn't want to go.

But then I thought, if I don't go, what would I be doing instead? Nothing. Nothing towards helping my body, that is. And that's definitely no good.

Then I talked with Hubby. "You should go. You need to go."
     - "But..."
     - "You need to go."
     - "But..."
     - "Go."

I went. I talked. I literally hung around in the pool. No exercising today, just letting my body benefit from the weightlessness of the water.

As Hubby had reminded me, my therapist really does understand my pains better than I can verbally express them. She understands the mechanics of my body and why I hurt in the ways that I do. And she also sees, with me, that the pool is just not working. Maybe it was that second cortisone shot that spun me around and screwed everything up. Maybe not. But I'm just not progressing. I'm, in fact, worse. She heard me and understands.

No more pool.

Next time we meet we'll be on land. And in the meantime, thanks to my "hanging out" and just talking to her today, she now knows how I've been sitting at work and at home, and wants me to STOP DOING THAT! I need better seating both places.

If I can work on just that, by the time we meet again in 2 weeks, I may have some progress to report. Simple changes, big results.

Let's hope.

I will not give up. I will keep at it. Because, as I said, if I don't go to PT, what will I do? At least with the PT I'm trying to get better, even if it takes a long time. Even if it seems like it will never come. I'm trying. Without the PT, there's no chance for changes.

Now the physiatrist? Hmmmm.... I'm still not sure about him. Worth it to go back, or not?

I don't know.

But, for now, I'll do what I can. I'll keep trying. I'll keep the faith that, someday, I'll see some progress.

Keep on keepin' on.

Holding It All Together...

...with a few used pieces of Scotch tape I found on the floor, most of which are covered in kitty fluff.

Am I right? Moms out there? Ever feel this way? You know you have. I know you have. Still. When it's me, and I feel my little piece of the world I at least partially manage, with the help of others, is not as together and orderly as it should be, well... Who's fault could it be but my own? All my fault.

For me, it's paperwork. Namely, school paperwork that Sweetie brings home.

I actually pride myself on not being one of those moms who feels they have to hold on to every school project, test and paper my child brings home. I used to. But last year's move from one house to another helped me weed out all the unnecessaries. As the time came that we knew we'd be moving, then packing, I realized I really didn't want or need to pack up and move all these papers around. Be gone, math worksheets! You're out of here, random art squiggles and doodles. It's been nice knowing you, social studies studies. We just don't need y'all around here anymore. I'll keep tests and report cards. Really nice art and fun and/or well written essays and stories. The rest of it? Not so much. Not so needed.

So. That was last year. Now, we've been in our new home almost a year and I've done really well with keeping this practice going. I'll look through Sweetie's folder and, for the most part, throw most if not all graded items in the trash. She doesn't mind - encourages it, actually. I only keep the best of the best. Our clutter piles thank me for this - they're cluttered enough as it is.

Beyond the graded papers, Sweetie occasionally brings home school fliers and other informational notes and such from her teacher or the school in general. I'll read them right away, decide if they're something we'll need to refer to later, then toss or not accordingly. Sometimes, though, I get it wrong as to whether or not the flyer or note contains truly pertinent info. Pertinent to who? If not me (toss) maybe Swee (don't toss.)

This recently happened with a notice that came home regarding the school's end of the year talent show. I know I read this. I remember the general idea of the thing. It listed when auditions would be, when practices would be, and the do's and don't's for those auditioning. Interesting... but, after reading through it, I threw it away. Not needed.

Wrong! Wouldn't you know, Sweetie wanted to audition. Really wanted to audition! She wanted to do a skit with one or two other kids. But upon asking everyone she thought who may be interested, she found they were already auditioning for something else in the show, or just plain didn't want to do it. Oh well, I told her. At least you can enjoy watching the show. Or she could do something on her own. She's a good singer, why doesn't she do that?

Okay. She resigned herself to a solo act. She went through a couple different ideas of what that would be, until finally settling on the singing. She picked out a song and practiced at home. We encouraged her to do her best and we were happy for her to be trying out.

Then, about 8:45 the night before auditions, she happens to mention that these auditions were after school the next day.

What?! They are? Sorry, but you can't do that. Daddy and I work, unable to pick you up. It's way too late notice to ask Nana to pick you up there. You don't even know the details! What time after school? You certainly can't go back to the school to audition and be picked up after that. We need you to go to the Boys & Girls Club, as you're expected to do every day. Too late. Too little information known. No. You can't do it. Sorry.

Had I only kept that info sheet around, I would have known all this. Had I only dug the info sheet out of the recycling once Sweetie expressed her interest to audition, we wouldn't have had a poor, desperately sad Sweetie on our hands that night. Why didn't I think to retrieve that paper?

Long story a wee bit shorter, Sweetie talked to the powers that be at school the next day and arranged for herself to get another, during school, audition time a couple days later.

The night before this new audition time, I see in her folder a handwritten note from one of the teachers in charge of the show. It was addressed to Sweetie, but, along with confirmation of her audition time the next day, it mentioned to "please tell your parents that if you get in the show, practices will be after school."

I felt like I was being scolded. Like I was a child myself that needed a talking to about responsibility as well as a reminder of rules that should have already been known. I know I shouldn't have felt that way, and I'm 98% sure that's not the tone it was written in. But that's what I felt.

So! Sweetie auditioned, she got into the show, and she will do the after school practices. It's all fine, we told her, as long as we know ahead of time and can make arrangements. It's just not fine to have to scramble for arrangements at the 11th hour.

Regarding other holding-it-together/not-really parenting issues:

- One of Sweetie's report card grades, for Music, was Unsatisfactory. Other subcategories in Music were all Excellent and Satisfactory+. But this one, regarding her practicing of her recorder, was a U. Along with the grade came a note from her teacher saying that Sweetie hadn't been turning in her weekly sheets that show how much she's been practicing, even though the teacher reminded her 3 different times to do this. We knew that Sweetie had been doing the practicing - it was just turning in these slips of proof that was the issue. I felt bad because I had seen a couple of these slips in Sweetie's room a couple times, but I'd thrown them away, since they were for weeks gone by. Why would she need these anymore? Anyway, she practices through an on-line service and records her practicing there. These slips aren't even needed.

Little did I know that that on-line service hadn't worked for weeks and that, yes, these slips were the only way to show your work.

So there I was, writing to Sweetie's music teacher, explaining the situation. How I threw out the forms. How Sweetie really had done the work. How, obviously, this was completely up to her if this new info would change Sweetie's grade or not. How we recognize it was unexcusable for Sweetie to have been reminded 3 times about something and she still never produced the required forms - or asked us for help with the problem. But, there you go. That is what happened.

And yes, it's "only" Music, in elementary school. One small aspect of Music, actually. But I felt at least partly at fault for this. I should have asked Sweetie if she needed these forms before throwing them out. I should have known that the on-line way of noting your practice wasn't working and that the forms were the only way. I should have been more diligent about making sure Sweetie was actually practicing. My evening job makes me unaware of much of Sweetie's homework. It (should be) all done well before I get home. Still, I should be more aware. I used to be.

- Sweetie's science grade dropped significantly this last report card too. Still a good grade, but a grade and a half lower than 1st term. We questioned Sweetie on it, but didn't get very far for why/how she thought this happened. So I took it upon myself to email her teacher for answers as well as ways we can help Sweetie bring this grade back up. Tricky, when she rarely, if ever, has science homework.

However, upon looking in her assignment notebook, I did see that, some weeks prior, she'd had the science assignment to bring a snack food in (I think to discuss/find out the nutritional value of???) Having seen that, I remembered how Sweetie had casually told me how she'd forgotten to bring in her food, but a classmate gave her some of her own to work with. But even at the time, Sweetie so non-chalantly talked about this - with no remorse for not having done something she was supposed to - that I hardly considered it as anything more than another school story of hers. But, having seen the dropped grade on the report card, followed by the written instruction - in her own hand, in her own book - to bring something specific in to class... well, it reminded me of how bad I've become at checking through her assignment book. I used to all the time. I was always pretty on top of what her homework was and other important school information. But here was a homework assignment I'd never seen - along with so many others - and Sweetie'd not done it. Had I known about it, I could have reminded her of it, no problem.

This lone incident, of course, was not the downfall of her final grade. Turns out she'd been goofing around with a friend a lot during science labs, instead of working. But the teacher moved Sweetie's seat away from this friend and, after I emailed her, talked with Sweetie about her not paying attention and why she was moved, working with Sweetie on an understanding and agreement that she'd now concentrate harder.

This is a great end result to the whole situation, and I'm glad to know I can easily work with the teacher and she's willing to work with me and Sweetie to help Sweetie out. But, one the one hand, I feel partly at fault because of my not looking after Sweetie's assignment book. On the other hand, I feel too working-behind-the-scenes/helicopter-parent-ish for contacting her teacher about the lower grade when it's an issue, honestly, that isn't my fault - but Sweetie's own lack of concentration and inability to take care of her own assignments.

Holding it all together - either too tightly, or not enough? So hard to find the balance.

Another example of that:

- About a week or so before the above email exchange, I also emailed with Sweetie's teacher and guidance counselor about my (and Hubby's) desire for Sweetie to form some new female friendships. The 2 boys she is friends with are great kids. But one is older and therefore going to the middle school next year, and the other is moving away next year. So we are concerned that she will end up lost and lonely. If there was anything her teacher could do to encourage female friendships for Sweetie, we'd be appreciative.

Her teacher wrote back, stating that she too had the same concerns for Sweetie. She had separated Sweetie and her one boy friend in the class (see above), in part hoping to get her involved with some girls instead. She and the guidance counselor told me they'd also think of some other ways to encourage new connections.

Did I go too far? I'd already talked to Sweetie about making new friendships with girls. Did I have to/should I have gone behind Sweetie's back to make sure everyone who could help with this was on board and working toward a similar goal? Or was that too much? Should I have just left it in Sweetie's hands and walked away? She's in 4th Grade, for goodness sake! High time she be responsible for her own actions, not needing mom and dad so much to make sure all is running smoothly.

But - she's only in 4th Grade, for goodness sake. Still a little girl in need of as much support as she can get from her loving parents.

Again, the fine balance of too much/too little plays out in my parenting life in so many ways.

  ----------------

So. After all that, after the literally hours it's taken me to write this (working between family outings and helping Sweetie with a school project - helping too much? not enough?) I almost feel like I don't want to post it. It sound/feels to whiny to me. Way too much blaming myself when, clearly, the blame is not on me.

Sweetie should have known the details - and divulged them to us - way before she did, if the talent show was that important to her. Sweetie should have been turning in her music sheets. Especially - my goodness! - after being reminded 3 separate times! It's my right as a responsible, loving parent to want the best for my child and to question dropped grades and to be concerned with who she makes friends with. Sweetie should be in control of her homework and completely able to remember to do things she's meant to do.

None of this is my fault at all, really. I see that now. I guess I've seen it all along. It's not my fault.

So, I will post this. Because, like it or not, right or wrong, this is how I have felt, at times, recently. Like it's my job to hold at least certain aspects of our family life together, and I'm failing in bits and pieces. I know other moms out there feel/have felt the exact same way I have. It's important, I think, for me to share these feelings. To not only write them out for myself, but to show to others that they are not alone in how they sometimes feel.

But failing? No. I see now that I'm not. I see now how much I'm actually succeeding. Many parents don't take the time to even go over their kids report cards, let alone contact a teacher when something seems amiss. Many parents don't even know who their kids' friends are, let alone wish to see them succeed socially, having fun with a variety of kids. Other parents would have told their kid that they couldn't try out for something that would end up making scheduling their own lives difficult. We, though, are happy to have Sweetie involved, even if it means rearranging our schedules and working with others to make sure Sweetie can be where she needs to be in order to participate.

Failing? No. Succeeding to the best of my abilities. Yes.

Hey, look what I just found! A brand new role of duct tape and some Super Glue.

I've got this. No problem.

Beyond Imagination

So. DI season is over.

That was fun.

No, really. It was better than fun. Despite all my rantings and ravings - with the kids, and afterwards to my Hubby - and all the wine I necessarily consumed post-meetings - I really, truly, honestly enjoyed this time as a Team Manager for Sweetie's team.

I thought it would be a few months of supervising kids as they planned out and created their solution to a Team Challenge on which they agreed upon focusing their time. Throw in some Instant Challenges I'd have to come up with, somehow, for them to solve on the spot, and that was pretty much all I'd have to do. This collecting of Instant Challenges, in fact, I figured would be the toughest part of my responsibilities. Where the heck do you find Instant Challenges, anyway? (I quickly found out, and it wasn't really an issue after all.) At any rate, DI is all about the kids working out solutions. Parents, managers and any other adults are expressly warned that they are to be completely hands off. Cool. Like I said, I'd sit and supervise. No prob.

How quickly did I learn that I'd be doing oh so much more than "just supervising"? Oh, I'd say within the first 30 seconds of our first meeting. No. Earlier than that. Preparing for that first meeting. But in actual time with the kids? Pretty much immediately.

And not just me doing more (Mediator. Guidance Counselor. Teacher. Nurse. Organizer. Etc., etc., etc....) than I thought I would. But me learning more than I ever thought I would. Who would have thought that this small team of 3 could ever show me so much about myself and the world around me, while working on a project that's designed to show them how much they really know for themselves?

Things I learned - or at least were reminded of - from Destination Imagination:

- 3 kids is not an easily manageable number. One always feels left out. It will change, as to who feels like he or she is being left out. But one always does. Decision-making can be nearly impossible.

- I can keep my nose out of things fairly well. I was concerned, going into this, that I'd want to be too controlling - too in-control. But, all in all, I feel I was pretty darn successful at letting the kids plan out their solution on their own (as I was supposed to do.) I saw as they went along where things, I knew, would eventually fall apart for them. But allowing them to buy/gather/produce/try whatever they wanted in order for them to get to that place where they saw for themselves that things weren't going to go as they envisioned came easier to me than I expected it would.

- Sometimes - heck, a lot of times - they really surprised me by going through with their plans that I "knew" would fail and ending up with some totally awesome and completely successful workable solutions. Wow! I would have never thought in a million years that would work out the way it did.

- Making assumptions really can hold you back.

- Failing is not only okay, but encouraged. You didn't do it right this time? Okay. Do it again. Do it better. What did you learn? Maybe something else you never even thought of is now on the table to explore further. Fail spectacularly and try again. Go!

- Take a breath before speaking. See if others have ideas. Collaborate. Work together on a communal solution, not together on 1 member's idea. The more involved every member feels, the better they'll all feel about the final solution, or why the answer they tried to achieve didn't really work in the end.

- Celebrate "weirdness." Some pretty cool things come out of some pretty weird ideas.

- Coming together as a group is key. Absolutely. When one member is just "done" with the whole experience, the whole group is done. But not lost! Find a way to reconnect, refocus, and get back on track. You can do it!

- Sometimes a person just doesn't want to hear it. Doesn't want to be helped. Won't allow you to be "let in." Not in the moment, anyway. People need time to process mistakes. Even if those mistakes are only self-perceived. They just need some time...

- ... But they'll come around. Sooner or later, they always do.

- "Only children" vs. "the youngest in a family." Oh what a difference, maturity-level wise.

- My kid is a confident, mean power driller. Who knew?!

- The bestest of friends can bicker the most. Of course they do! They feel comfortable enough with each other to know that they can express their frustrations and displeasures, but still be great friends when it's done.

- Sending a simple email to check in on a kid who you can tell had a long, rough day of stress and injury can do a world of good for that kid - and yourself. They will know that you have their back, are concerned for them, and think they are pretty great stuff. Because they are.

- Making a kid do something they absolutely, unequivocally do NOT want to do can, in the end, show them that they not only can do it, but can do it really well and will actually have fun while doing it!

- I can grab ahold of a situation, stop the chaos, and calm things down. I can command attention. I can ease tension. I can make others see when things are not that big of a deal or, conversely, when things are much more important than they think they are. I can keep people on track. I can do a lot more than I think I can, while allowing others to see that they can too.

- It stabs a little to know you most likely "lost" a kid. No more DI for them. At least, that's how they feel now. We'll see. (Heck, I don't even know if I want to do it again!)

- It's worth it all to know that the kid who passionately stated they would absolutely, positively never do DI again and could not wait until it was all over, actually ended up enjoying Regionals and would consider another go at it next year. Even if they don't - wow. What a turn around!

- It doesn't matter whether you win or lose. It's whether or not you showed up and did your best. One team member who I thought "got this" saw one of their competitors after their own performance and felt sadly defeated. "We didn't win. They were better than us!" As opposed to the team member who is painfully shy and afraid to fail seeing the same performance and declaring, simply and honestly, "Wow! They were really good!" Kids. You never can tell. They will surprise you every time.

- Everything will be okay in the end. Every time. Not to worry. It's not your problem.

- Kids are amazing, creative, smart and just plain awesome.  They can do oh so much more than we think they can. Allow them to think and do and try and try again. What an amazing gift to give to our children.

And perhaps the biggest lesson I learned? Being a DI Team Manager is like giving birth to a child. In the heat of it, it hurts. A lot! You can't imagine why you got yourself into this mess in the first place. You'll never do this again! You just want it all to be over. But when it is? Eh. That wasn't so bad. And look at what you have to show for it? Something really beautiful. I want some more of this in my life...

Boys vs. Girls

I've presented Sweetie with a task.

Starting next week, she must attempt to talk to/play with/befriend a girl or girls in her class.

Not to say that her best friend (a boy) and her best classroom friend (another boy) aren't great kids. They really are! But to know that, half way through the 4th grade, she's still either playing with these particular boys or off playing (happily, I presume) by herself... well, I really think she needs to mix it up a bit. Stretch her limits of comfort and what she's used to as "the way" for her.

I remember, for myself, as early as Kindergarten I had one very best girl friend. We were inseparable! We were always together at recesses, we played on weekends, we had sleepovers and we talked forever on the phone. And this was all before I was 10, as it was that summer that we moved from Ohio to New Hampshire and our friendship was abruptly altered forever.

Now, as far as the dramatics and difficulties of befriending the female of the species as one of the crowd yourself... man, I get it. Moving to NH for the start of the 5th grade, being the new kid who was so "different' and walked funny and all that... it either enhanced my shyness or created it - I don't remember which - and I had difficulty making friends. But I ultimately did. In 5th and 6th grade I was part of a small band of friends - definitely not the popular crowd - that consisted of 3 other girls and a boy. We had fun together, if not oodles of other kids clamoring to join in on our (mild-mannered) shenanigans.

In junior high, we disbanded, with me going off to one area school and they going to the other (much, much larger) school downtown. I made friends with a new group of girls. Enough so that we went to each other's homes for sleepovers and invited each other to our birthday parties. But we didn't really hang out together outside of school. With one girl I did, I think, just a bit. But it definitely wasn't a chatting on the phone/hanging out together every weekend sort of friendship. I was decidedly much more a part of a small (still not popular) "group" and not terribly chummy with any individual member of said group just one on one. Maybe the others were with each other? I don't know. I suppose I was happy enough to have a table of friends to sit with at lunch and to lead the rest of my life in relative peace.

By the time I went off to high school, I was leaving our junior high a year earlier than all the others to attend a small, all girls, Catholic school in town. Another girl from my group of friends was coming with me and, yes, we did remain friends right through graduation. But my very best friend in high school showed up in a girl who was 110% the exact opposite from me. Whereas I was a quiet, polite, girly girl who enjoyed school and my classes well enough and basically just wanted to keep to my hidden, unassuming ways, my friend was a trash talking tomboy-to-end-all-tomboys who liked hard rock, didn't like school, and reveled in being different. Or at least that's what she presented to others. Now I recognize that she was probably just as self conscious as anyone - maybe more so - but was doing her utmost to make it look like she didn't have a care in the world. I suppose being with her excited me, to show me a bit of the wild side. I can't speak for her to say what it was about me that kept her around as my friend through the years. But come post-graduation, when I realized that it was always me calling her during our freshman years of college in different states - and she never sounding all that focused or interested when I did call - I made the decision to just not call her again. To see if she would call me if that was her only option for staying in touch. She didn't call. Or write. To this day, I have no idea where she is or what she's doing.

In college - there I was, off again to another all female institution. I had no choice but to befriend, of course, other girls (women!). I liked my roommate well enough. She, like me, was shy, quirky, and involved in her studies. She had friends from her hometown at school with us as well, so I had a casual acquaintanceship with them as well. But beyond these 3, I really didn't make any great, deep, long-lasting friendships. Friendly with many, close to few. In fact, by the end of my sophomore year, I was feeling as out of place as ever amongst this collection of women who were, as a whole, largely science and math focused - always off to labs and math clubs and studying - while I, the lonely English major, "just" stayed in my dorm room reading and writing all day.

I got the heck out of there and transferred to somewhere - co-ed - closer to home. And, being closer to home, I lived at home with my parents and only went to school for my classes, rarely having much between-class time to hang out much and form any friendships. Except for one. A guy. He, again, was shy and quirky, just like me. We did hang out together at the on-campus pub when waiting for our next classes to start. And we had lunch together in the cafeteria when we could. But, again, it was a purely on-campus friendship. Not the kind of relationship where we'd call each other up to just chat or hang out on the weekends together. He's another one I immediately lost contact with after graduation. Oh well.

But, how nice it was to be friends with a guy! Girls were so dramatic and gossipy. Guys didn't care. This guy accepted me, as is. Girls, in general, were too.... much. I was girled out!

So, as you can see, I've never been one for deep, meaningful relationships with other females. To this day - yes, of course I have a few good female friends. But they are the types of friendships where we meet for coffee once a month, or go to each other's houses - with our husbands or significant others - for dinner and drinks, or meet at book club to discuss our latest reads. Not to say they are not true friends. Of course they are! I value my friends and the times we're together very much. They are a great bunch of ladies! But, even though they may very well be - most definitely are, in fact - women who talk on the phone with and shop with and generally hang out with their other girl friends, my friendships with these ladies are much more compartmentalized, subdued and relaxed. Which is just the way I like it. I'm not looking for or needing silly girl talk and shopping trips and girls weekends, etc. I am accustomed to my quiet, one-on-one ways of coffee chats, wine evenings, and book reviews. Keep it quiet. It is my way.

I noticed this last time I took Sweetie to a roller skating night at her school. Other moms were huddled in groups of 2 or 3, chatting and laughing and having a great time together, with their young daughters, likewise, all laughing, skating and having fun together. And I sat by myself, enjoying watching the kids go round and round - especially Sweetie as she made her way around and around the gym floor, having a grand ol' time all by herself. I recognized many of these women as the moms of kids whom Sweetie's been classmates with for 5 years. But I have never had the opportunity to be around any of these women enough over the years to form any real friendships with them. And that was fine. Is fine. I didn't necessarily feel lonely that night, nor did Sweetie appear to be anything but truly happy with the way her evening was going. But I did begin to notice where Sweetie gets her anti-female ideas from, even if they are subconscious. I don't have overtly obvious female friendships (that can be noticed or are talked about on a daily basis) and am doing just fine, so why should she?

So, yeah. I get it! Sweetie has fallen in with the boys from the get-go and that's where she feels most comfortable. Which is great! And cool! So far. She has always been the super hero loving/Lego playing/imaginative girl. She's a quirky kid, and not ashamed of it. She's just discovered much earlier in life what it took many years of friendships with others for me to realize - that it's much easier to be "one of the guys" than to model yourself as something you're not just to gain a female friend or two in your corner.

BUT, after all that...there's also something to be said - especially as Sweetie and her classmates enter into upper elementary and junior high school - about fitting in, in the name of getting through these pending difficult years with as little drama as possible. There's some worth to be had in establishing a few meaningful female friendships as they all begin to change and develop and grow. I'm wondering if it may not be so easy to maintain true friendships with her current male friends as these next few years pass us by. Wouldn't it be good and nice for her to have some girls she can turn to when the boys, inevitably, let her down? Or, for that matter, when they come beating down her door! Having a few good girl friends to giggle and gossip and hang with, at this time in her life, may be a very, very good thing for her to invest in.

So, take it from me, kid. At least try to give this a shot. Girls aren't so bad. You may find this hard to believe now, but you just may want to giggle and joke and tell secrets with someone other than me in the not too far off future.

Trust me. I'm your mother.