Blog, Interrupted

I started this blog almost 4 years ago, when Sweetie - and I - and she and I together! - were very much still a work in progress. Behavior issues, separation issues, preferred-parent issues, potty training, food fights, nap time/sleeping-through-the-night troubles - you name it! A growing toddler + first time parent - a parent who has a physical disability!  = lots of great (???) blog fodder/lots of great learning opportunities.

But now - and actually for a long time now - things have really settled out. Sweetie is no longer a baby. Knock on wood, she's really come into her own personality and can get through the day, more or less, with few big dramas or traumas. And my having a physical disability really has absolutely no impact on our day to day interactions together. That's been the status quo for at least a couple years, actually. Everything is, and has been, very regular. Un-newsworthy. Un-blogworthy.

All this to say - I'm putting this blog on indefinite hold. My reasons for starting my blog up in the first place no longer translate into our daily lives. And for someone who is very interested in how I as a disabled mom made it through the early years with baby/toddler - well, those posts are still here to be found and very much still relevant. You are more than welcome to check those out and/or even email me to ask specific questions of me. No problem at all - I'd love to hear from you!

I'm tired of writing here about how busy I am. Or just posting pictures or whatever other very trivial thing, just for the sake of posting. I'm tired of whining. I'm sick of posting hard-to-accurately-express-via-the-written-word the funny things Sweetie still does and says. And even I've had enough of me posting about how smart, curious and imaginative Sweetie is. She's all those things and more - we all get it. Enough.

But, it's true. Life is getting too overwhelming for me, what with the move and all that that entails/will entail, going back to school, working part-time while still job hunting in this most awful of economies - everything. I don't have it in me to "do it all" and still find (guilt-free) time for myself as I know I should. I know I have to give up one or two things. This blog here, unfortunately, is one of those things.

However, I do not intend to say goodbye forever. If I'm already in your feeds, please don't take me out - whenever I do post, you'll be the first to know! And I will post again, from time to time - promise. Whenever I've got something of interest to report - good or bad - I'll be right here, letting y'all know.

So - that's it. I set out to do something with this blog and I feel like I've done that - and am done with that. I feel great about what I've been able to share with everyone through my posts here. I'm glad so many of you have found me, have written to me, and have felt some level of comfort in just knowing that someone like me, like you, exists in this world. I am proud of myself, of Sweetie, and of this blog. It was, and still is, a really good thing.

Ta-ta for now. Catch ya later. For now, the most internet-related socializing I'll be involved in is over at Facebook.

As my husband would say - thanks for all the fishes.

(no, I have no idea what that means either...)

"I Want" Wednesday

There's a meme out there called "I Want" Wednesday. I'm not going to link to it because I don't think/I don't know yet if participating in it will be a regular "thing" for me. But today - during a week where I'm just not in the mind set to come up with my own original thoughts - I decided I'd give it a try.

So, here goes....

I want to finish the scarf I promised Hubby I'd make him at Christmas time. With no extra money to spend on Valentine's Day, I figure the least I could do is finish this dang scarf for him!

I want my house to stop smelling like smoke. Every time I've built a fire in our wood stove over the last couple weeks, smoke pours into our living room instead of up the chimney. I've tried everything. I'm building fires the same exact way I always have - a way that has never before produced such a smoke problem. The only thing I can figure is that we need our chimney cleaned. My dad knows how to do that. He's coming over in a couple days.

I want clearer communication between myself and the director at the tutoring company I'm tutoring through. I seem to be learning new things I "must" do with my No Child Left Behind students on a regular basis to assess their improvement and basically keep everything on track and everyone informed. HOWEVER, like I said - I am literally learning things as I go along. Things I should have been doing from the start. I am not a returning tutor with the NCLB kids. I do not know all the paperwork and politics and testing and such needed to be done by heart. I do not like finding out after the fact that I should have been doing something important all along. I am not entirely happy about this situation.

I want to be able to take Sweetie to see The Magic Treehouse musical in Boston later this month. But I cannot justify spending money on that luxury when we're struggling with money so much. I can't/won't do it - but it makes me sad.

I want financial security. To not have to worry about money anymore. To pay off debt and have just a little extra to live a little (like, go out to dinner once a month or something. Or at least go to Starbucks every once in awhile.) 

I want to someone to clean my house for me, top to bottom. But since I know that won't happen, I want more hours in the day so that I can clean it myself (yeah, like that'll happen.) Oh, and since we're talking in impossibilities, I want be able to clean my house spotlessly, have time to read, time to knit, time to be on the computer, time to study, time to play/be with Sweetie and do whatever it is she wants to do, and time to sit and just chill - not worrying about a thing. Relax, watch TV without some other "have to" looming over my head. Just be. That would be nice.

I want to give up the guilt that accompanies any activity I'm engaged in that tells me I really should be concentrating on another activity at that moment. 

And with that... it's getting close to dinner time and I'm in charge of that tonight. I better stop playing around here and get to cooking (or defrosting, or whatever meal-ish type thing I'll come up with...)

Mama Monday #41.1

Theme: Love

Sweetie Saturday #144

So I told you how Sweetie has taken to employing "grown up speak" or using big words in her everyday conversations, right? Like I'll do something for her or tell her something nice that she wasn't expecting and she'll say "Awww... that's so sweet." Or she'll talk about how some things are "obviously" the way they are. 

Well here's another instance from this past week with Sweetie declaring things in an adult manner:

Sweetie asked me the other day if I remembered the day a long time ago when a couple of our friends came over and we went searching for hidden hearts.

Uhhhh..... no.

Yes you do! Remember?! We went outside near Valentine's Day looking for hidden hearts, then we went back home and waited for M_____ and C______ to come over?

Oh! Yeah. I remember.

Now that's a day I'll never forget!

Well, you kind of did forget a little, because it was just before Christmas and we were outside, down in our town, looking for hidden snowflakes.

(Sadness and a bit of being upset at herself for forgetting such things ensued...)

....

Later that evening, Sweetie clipped her finger in the lid of our paper trash container. With tears flowing, she announced:

This is a day I WILL forget because of the owie!

Same Ol' Situation

I apologize. I didn't realize I hadn't posted yesterday until about 11 p.m. last night. And by that time there was no way I was going to stop everything and write a lengthy post. Because that's what it was going to be. 'Cuz I had a fabulous post topic to unravel. But I didn't. Because I forgot to write. Now here I am, Thursday morning, trying to get that same post done.

Man. Why is it feeling so difficult to write on Thursday mornings instead of Wednesday afternoons or evenings? This is all wrong. It doesn't feel right at all. I am too used to routine.

Which - hey! - that just happens to be the point of what I wanted to write about yesterday! Wow! What incredible luck my forgetfulness has handed me!

So, uh... yeah. I am a creature of habit. I like routine. I'm sure I've mentioned this before. I'm sure I've noted how I always used to like Fridays best at work because I always knew exactly what I needed to do to get things done. My whole day was filled with a specific process towards completion of my duties. Sure, monkeys and wrenches, glitches and witches were constantly thrown into the works. But those all provided just enough uncertainly to make the routine interesting. Still, through it all, the "way of things" remained the same. And it was good.

My conformity to routine makes me realize that - thinking back on my full-time-working-outside-of-the-house days - I don't remember feeling as chock full of things to accomplish in a day as I do now. But isn't that odd? Wouldn't you think that, now that I'm not working full time and I'm home so much more of the time, that I'd therefore be getting so many productive things done during the day? Wouldn't you?

Yes. You would.

Or at least that's what I think should be happening. But it doesn't seem to be that way at all. And it's stressing me out a bit - making me feel like I must not be doing things "right" - to think about all the time I have to get things done compared to what is actually getting accomplished.

All this, or - I find that I really am working hard each day, never sitting down, always up doing something or out on the road running errands. So many things! My days can be really packed! And it all makes me wonder - just how the heck did I get anything done while I worked full time? I can barely find a moment for myself now! How in the world did this all work so well during my working days?!

And then it hit me: Working full time provided a full routine to my whole life. Everyday was the same. Get up, get Sweetie dressed and fed, get Sweetie to school or Nana's, go to work, work, pick Sweetie up, go home, eat dinner, give Sweetie a bath, watch T.V., put Sweetie to bed, watch more T.V and/or do dishes and/or pay bills and/or write blog posts (ah ha! There's where life could really get wild and crazy!), take a bath and go to bed. Every single day. I knew what to expect. Not that I even ever pondered what to expect. It was just the way it was. Auto pilot. Routine.

Then - weekends while I worked - those were the times for laundry, for running errands, for general house upkeep. Weekends kept me reasonably - but not crazily - busy.

But now, now, - after how many months has it been? - it's finally occurring to me that - hey! - I've got no routine. No set pattern for how things should be or when things have to get done.

This is not to say that habits haven't formed. Not to say that I'm not in a rut. After all, each afternoon usually finds Sweetie and me at home. And, sure, there's the routine of the morning, what with getting up, dressed, and Sweetie off to school and then picked up a few hours later. But then, the rest of the day, we're typically home. Hours lie ahead of us. Oodles of time to get several things done, but no set schedule during those hours telling me play-by-play when and how to get everything done.

Now, the question is - Am I just no good at creating my own routine, therefore everyday I'm stressed with so many things to get done but no clear cut way to complete everything and thus no motivation to even try? OR, am I digging my own hole by telling myself I need to get an unreasonable number of things done each day now that I'm not working, and so never quite feeling like I'm reaching the goals I've set for myself even though I'm constantly doing something?

I'm sure both are the case. And both are no good. Not healthy. Not calming or satisfying. Annoying, really.

So - I need to create some routine. I need to look at my life week by week, not day by day. Make lists. Prioritize. And most of all, I need to stop thinking about the next thing I need to do while I'm working on the one thing right in front of me.

I need to be present and I need to be realistic. And I've got to make this the standard. The routine. My way of being.

I'll start by carving out specific and scheduled times for me to study for my teaching certification exams. Times when I can go to the library for a few hours each week. Weekend hours when Hubby entertains/watches Sweetie while I hole up in the bedroom reading. And a target date for when I'll take the exams. Knowing the date by which I have to be ready - no matter what - will get me on track to being prepared on time.

But now - I have to get off the computer, do some dishes, wash my hair, make sure I have all my supplies for tutoring later today, make a couple phone calls, go to the drug store, and pick Sweetie up in a little more than an hour.

Phew! Priorities. Real goals. Action. I'll get myself back into a routine and all will be better.

A scheduled life is a happy life for me.

Mama Monday #40.1

Theme: Sin

AKA: Sinfully Smart Sweetie

So Sweetie stayed over at Nana and Papa's this weekend.

Sweetie has a slight cold.

Shortly before her bedtime, Sweetie asked Nana for a piece of paper, saying she had to draw a picture.

Soon after getting the paper, Sweetie asked my mom:

What's a sin?

A what?

A sin.

Like S-I-N? Sin?

Yeah.

It's when you do something really bad. Like lie or steal. That's a sin.

Oh. Okay.

Then Sweetie quietly went back to her drawing.

Soon, she was done. Handing my mom the paper, Sweetie explained that this was a riddle that Nana needed to figure out.

This is the picture.

MED + Pinocchio after he told a lie = Sweetie was reminding Nana to give her some cold MEDI-SIN/medicine before bed.

Brilliant!

Today, Sweetie realized how she could have made the message more clear. She could have made a complete sentence by adding a picture of an eye and then a person kneading some bread dough before the rest of her drawing.

I need medicine.

Yup. That would have been good too. Smarty.