Stand Still

Uhhh...

Hi there.

So, I go and talk about using my voice, and then I shut up for 3 months. Brought this blog to a complete standstill, or so it seems.

To be fair. I've already well established here that I have no issues using my written voice. It's my talking voice that needs to be heard. So, for all you know, I haven't been very present here because I've been super present out in the real world speaking up and saying all the things! Yeah!

Uhhh...

No. Not really. 

I mean, there was that church meeting Hubby and I went to where our minister asked the attendees a question and I had a good answer... but didn't say it aloud. Then, after hearing from others who did speak up - all with good answers themselves - our minister gave the answer she was most wanting to get at. And it was pretty much exactly what I was going to say, had I opened my mouth and just said it. So, lesson learned. I felt validated, at least, that my thoughts are good and "correct" and worthy of being offered. And I felt angry at myself for not saying what I thought in the first place. But, at least, I now know... speak up next time. It really won't be that scary.

And I have spoken up, at least a little, on the home front. Stopping Hubby when he's cutting in to tell a story I was going to tell. Giving my opinion when others say something I don't necessarily agree with. Trying to participate more in discussions. This has all gone off pretty well, although... I've found that I still need some work. I'm not used to expressing myself aloud so much, so when I do, I have to work on expressing in the correct tone. Am I joking? Upset? Lackadaisical? Fired up? Or just trying to contribute calmly to the discussion? Likewise, because people are not used to hearing my thoughts aloud, others are learning to hear me for what I'm truly saying, in the manner in which I intend to share. It's complicated and takes time. But the more I try, the better we all get. Good communication is hard, but so worth the effort.

What else...

On the healing front, I have recently felt like I'm kind of at a standstill. My physical therapy sessions ended with the end of the year. Yay! I "graduated" PT! Eh. It wasn't so much because I reached all my goals, than because I was pretty much plateauing, it was the end of the year so insurance was about to re-up with renewed out-of-pocket deductible costs to pay again, and, honestly, the facility isn't super close to home and I didn't really want to deal with driving there through New England winter weather. My therapist was awesome! I really loved her and worked really well with her. She invited me to come back this year if I felt doing so would be beneficial. Either because I was regressing and needed again to be pushed, or, alternatively, because I was improving and wanted the extra push to take a greater leap forward. Either way, all I have to do is have my doctor write a new script, which I'm sure she'll do without hesitation. We'll see. For now...

...just this past week I've really felt like I'm seeing a leap of improvement. I still use my crutches all the time, but lately I've felt, I don't know, lighter? Springy? Quicker and more agile. I can just get up and go. Not all the time, mind you. The mornings can still be really sore and tight, for instance. Some days are just, in general, more achy than others. Also, depending on what chair I'm sitting in, my legs feel more or less painful and/or numb from having had sat in that particular place. Thus, getting up from wherever and moving on can be more or less easy, depending. But, by and large, I'm feeling much better and much more promisingly able more of the time.

Speaking of a standstill, though, and of my recovery, one of my exercises is to do just that. Stand still. For as long as I can before my legs hurt too much and I can't help but have to sit again. Standing used to be my "thing"! Way back when, (yeah, it was like 20-25 years ago. Whatever.) I worked at a local big box bookstore and was often placed at the cash registers for an entire shift. Standing there for 4 or more hours at a time. Walking around a bit behind the front desk to retrieve orders, place holds, and whatnot. All of this, no problem! Bring it on! I can stand all day if you want me to.

Now... not so much. I think the last time I was timed at this at PT I got up to 4 minutes or so? Maybe 5? This being a vast improvement from when I started PT and could only do not even 2 full minutes of standing. I wonder what I can do now.

One of my exercises to help increase my standing abilities is to stand and play a gentle game of catch with a partner. Hubby has helped me with this every once in a while, but not with any real sort of frequency or regularity. Another thing I can do to increase my core muscles and my standing abilities is spinning poi. One of our friends, an expert in the circus arts, introduced us to the art of poi last fall. Since then, I've spun poi every once in awhile while standing in place. Both playing catch and spinning poi have been excellent ways of getting me on my feet, engaging my core, and concentrating on something else while standing as long as I can.

It's amazing how important that ability is - to just stand up and stand still - for getting ready to get away from your one spot in space and move forward. To move on. You need to have the strength to do both. Strength to stand firm and strong in one place, as well as strength to let go from your small spot and get going onward. And I'm not just talking walking here. 

Yesterday I tried something for the first time in a few months that was decidedly not standing still. I got out my walking stick to see what I could do. I stood up, got myself centered and steady in place. And then I took my steps. And I was pretty pleased with myself! For not having touched my walking stick at all since December, I was pretty comfortable taking (albeit) kinda-clunky-but-not-super-clunky steps. Hubby needs to learn to be a better encourager though. Hah! No, he's fine. He just remembers a time when I could get around no problem with my stick, walking all over kingdom come. By comparison, my current walking stick walking efforts are decidedly not effortless, to say the least. But, improving. Fine. Pretty darn good for not having even tried in quite awhile. My PT therapist would be very proud of me. And so am I. 

There's a YouTuber named Mike Boyd. His thing is that he decides on a new skill every month and learns it, all the while timing, and filming, his practicing and learning and, ultimately, mastering of said skill. He's taught himself everything from how to solve a Rubik's Cube (blindfolded, even), to how to shatter a glass with his own voice, how to impale an apple with a playing card, and indoor rock climbing too... and everything in between. And, because he times himself, he and his viewers all know the relatively little time it takes for him to master a thing when he really puts his mind to learning it. And the lesson is... so can anyone else. It's really not as hard or even as impossible as you think.

Hubby and I recently watched Mike's TedTalk on the subject of his channel and its purpose. If only you get out of your own head and stop telling yourself what you're not, you can realize so many things that you actually are! Mike went to college for engineering and, growing up all throughout school, he excelled at math, but was put in the lower sections for the more creative subjects. He was a "math person", he was not an "art person." But you know what? He's become an art person, and so much more, just because he changed his mindset and decided these were things he was going to put in the effort and learn. Not only learn, but master! And he did. And you can too. Don't tell yourself what you're not. Realize what you can be and actually are. 

Even though we've been watching Mike's videos for a few years now, watching his TedTalk just the other night was the real eye-opener. I am going to walk again! This is not just the way things are going to be for me from now on. In my own time, in my own way, with effort and practice, exercise and improving strength, it's just something that is going to happen. That's it.

Hubby and I plan to take a big vacation in the Fall of next year. We've got a lot to celebrate then and so we have this trip planned to do just that. And I intend to walk by then. I will walk by then, with the aid of my walking stick, all over the lovely Prince Edward Island in the fall of 2024. Watch me, I'll do it. 

I'd ask you to wish me luck. But I don't need luck. I need my own personal effort applied towards mastering this skill. And it's not even a brand new skill to me! I've done it before. Most of my life, in fact. I just have to reteach myself what I already know how to do. I can see me already improving. I've got lots of time to try and fail, try and succeed, try and master. Stand in one spot and be strong. Then move on from there. 

What about you? Don't just stand there! But do stand up. Be still and find your bearings. Then, get going... on whatever it is you want to do. I believe in you. Now believe in yourself, and go.