It's The Not Knowing That's So Hard...

No, I didn't think much of the one tick we found on Sweetie toward the end of May. Hubby and I reasoned that it couldn't have been on her that long (much less than 24 hours, we figured) so, really, this was nothing to think twice about.

No, I cannot honestly tell you that she was never bitten by another tick within the last few months. With her taking care of her own dressing and undressing, plus just not considering "possible tick bite, possible tick bite, possible tick bite..." every single day - no. I just haven't been consistently checking for the little buggers.

No, I didn't consider that Sweetie's initial weekend of feeling yucky was anything more than a mild passing virus. Kids get them all the time! This too shall pass...

No, I wasn't overly concerned, at first, with her occasional mention of having headaches. They weren't everyday. They certainly weren't disabling. She had no ongoing fever or malaise from the initial "sick" weekend. Nothing more than the random, light headaches, off and on. If anything, I was worried that maybe her eyesight wasn't so great and she would be needing glasses.

And what's more...

I definitely didn't consider that these headaches - or the initial supposed "virus" - could in any way be a symptom of Lyme Disease. Because, no, I did not know there were tell-tale Lyme Disease symptoms other than the usually-seen bull's eye rash - which she never had. No, I also don't know the symptoms to watch for for many, if not most other illnesses in the world. Do you?

No, I didn't realize how little is actually known about Lyme Disease and that it could be said that typical doctors only treat patients based on industry standards... and yet, time and again, there are patients presenting themselves as now having chronic Lyme Disease even though they were treated - as the standards prescribe - shortly after being bitten.

So, no, I didn't understand that I should fight for Sweetie to be on her antibiotics for longer than the doctor initially prescribed.

And now that I successfully fought that battle and she's on her meds for twice as long as originally intended... no, I don't know that this is completely necessary, or that the initial 3 week treatment wouldn't have been enough to take care of the infection, as the prescribing doctor insists it would have been.

And, no, I don't know for sure that 6 weeks total of the antibiotics will even truly be enough!

I don't even know if a blood test taken once the antibiotics are complete will accurately give us the proof that, in fact, the infection is gone. For all I know, we could get a false negative from that blood draw.

With this extended course of antibiotics... no, I didn't consider right away what that much regular antibiotics could do to one's system.

No, I didn't think about how adding probiotics to her diet like those found in yogurt, kefir and even straight up probiotics would be a great thing to do for helping her deal with so much antibiotics.

No, I never heard of the GAPS Diet before, nor - obviously - realize that it really would be the best diet for her to adopt throughout this process.

No, I am not necessarily convinced that she needs to be on the GAPS Diet per se, but do strongly feel that we/she should at least be restricted to a more macrobiotic diet at this time.

No, I'm also not terribly concerned if she sneaks some against-GAPS foods into her day. One piece of pizza isn't going to kill her. One small chocolate treat is just fine. Maybe we'll even go out for ice cream during our vacation. It's fine.

And anyway - so far, so good for how she's feeling! Yes, it's only been 2 weeks at this point, but Sweetie has not yet shown any signs of feeling bad in the belly in conjunction with the antibiotics. What's more, she is well aware of why we're altering her diet as we are and that she needs to tell us how she's feeling as time goes on. We can and will alter more drastically if she indicates that it's needed.

(I do know Sweetie to be a generally pretty healthy kid, fast-healer, and a healthy eater who likes a wide variety of good foods, only occasionally wishing for less-healthy treats. I have faith that I know my child well enough in this way to trust she'll be just fine with minimal changes to her ongoing life.)

With that said... going beyond the timeframe of her antibiotics treatment? No, I'm not thinking we will keep up with this altered diet much longer than that. Maybe a week or two. A month longer, tops. But as advised by the GAPS Diet itself, I'm thinking their prescribed up to 2 years or so of eating this way to truly restore the gut flora is just not necessary.

But then again, if she is showing signs that eating her "regular" way is just not working for her when we switch back then, of course! We will do everything we can to keep her as comfortable and healthy as possible.

And last but not least... no, I do not like the term "Lyme Disease." A disease, to me, sounds like an awful, long term if not permanent condition. Something that you cannot be rid of. And, yes, I know. For some people, that's exactly what it is. Chronic Lyme Disease affects their life every day in all sorts of ways and will for the rest of their lives.

But... I do have every intention and great faith that my typically healthy Sweet girl will battle this blip in her road with all she's got and that she will be 100% Lyme free before the summer's done.

We are doing what we believe is right and good for her to set her on this very path. No more, no less. Not at this point, anyway. And we will adjust as she indicates she needs us to do, if she needs us to.

Yes, in every way and at every moment I feel what I know to be an irrational "Mommy guilt" about what Sweetie's living with right now. Medicine everyday. Changed diet. Friends and family asking her how she's feeling, sharing their own experiences with tick bites and Lyme. It's, of course, left in my culpable hands that I didn't find the culprit tick on her. It's my fault that I didn't recognize signs and get her to the doctor any sooner than I did. I feel constantly, incontrollably on the defensive about how I've "allowed" - am allowing - this to all play out. And God forbid she's ever bitten again! Our family is outside all the time hiking and playing. I feel compelled to check her for ticks at every moment... then guilty as hell if I realize after she's gone to bed that, no, I didn't actually look her over today! What kind of mother am I?!

But... she is feeling much better. She really seems back to her regular self. I do have her on a course of medicine I have to believe will be more than enough to fight this Disease. I'm changing her diet as she needs to best get her through these several weeks of antibiotics and I'm more than willing to change it even more drastically if she shows signs of needing it. I intend for her diet to return to normal shortly thereafter, but am certainly most looking out for her day-to-day comfort and health, again willing to keep her on a restricted diet for as long as she indicates it's needed.

I may not have been able to stop her from getting Lyme Disease. And I may not be able to stop a tick from ever biting her again. But I can rest easy enough, knowing Hubby and I are both on the same waive-length, doing everything we can to make sure this remains for her an acute case only.

And that's the best I can do, I know.

Too Much Excitement!

Hello! And welcome to July! While most kids in this area have literally just gotten out of school for the summer about a week ago, Sweetie is about to embark on her 4th week of blissful summertime fun.

Hah! Blissful?! I can't possibly be serious. In fact, a complete redo seems perfectly in order.

Starting with the final death of our 11 year old Saturn Station Wagon the Tuesday after Father's Day, this summer vacation, so far, has been pretty dang.... mmmm.... exciting! Yeah, that's the word!

But not in a good way.

After the car died, we spent that Friday shopping for a new (used) car. And, yeah, I have to admit that is pretty exciting. Got ourselves a sweet, red hybrid only a few years old. Air conditioning! GREAT mileage! Cute! We are very pleased with our purchase (and our ability, finally, to financially make the purchase and manage the monthly car payments.)

Oh! Wait! Did I say the "excitement" started with the car's death? That's not entirely true. It actually started just 2 days after Sweetie's last day of school when I arrived at my parents' house after work ready to pick up and take Sweetie home. But...

She was sleeping. Hmmmm. That's odd. And when she woke up, she was burning hot. Uh oh. And so began a weekend of fevers, tiredness and headaches. We still participated in our 1st of 4 Great Park Pursuits adventures, since she perked right up to her typical self with a dose of Tylenol in her. And then, by Monday, she was pretty much back to her usual self. A short lived, minor virus. S'all good.

Except.... every once in awhile she'd still complain of a headache. This, from a girl who never complains. A girl who can be 3 days into a pretty significant cold before she finally admits to me, "Mom, I think I'm sick." Yes. Yes, you are.

These headaches weren't everyday. And they weren't even that bad. Sometimes, if we were away from home, we'd just let her sip on some Coke - telling her the caffeine might help relieve the pain. Sometimes we could let time pass without doing anything and she managed well enough without further complaint. But then the headaches seemed to increase in frequency. And intensity. I'd give her Advil, because I didn't happen to have anything but children's cold medicine in the house. She learned how to swallow a pill, and noted the tasty sweet coating on the Advil.

With time, Hubby and I even started to consider that these headaches may be "convenience headaches," so that she could get to have a bit of soda or that sweet tasting Advil.

And like I said, they weren't yet all that bad seeming.

But they were frequent. Several times a week.

Finally, this past Tuesday, when she complained of yet another headache, I decided to call the doctor. After I left my message for the nurse to call me back, then... then Sweetie began to sob. So much terrible pain! The worst headache yet, by far. Yep, this had all the signs of a migraine.

And then, she vomited. Twice.

Long story short, the nurse called back and scheduled us to come in. Just a few hours later we found ourselves in the doctor's office and then waiting in the lab for blood work and X-Rays.

An X-Ray to check her sinuses, blood work to test for Lyme Disease.

Oh! Did I forget to mention? We found a tick on her about a month ago. It detached from her pretty easily, though, so we assumed it hadn't been on her all that long and, therefore, that no harm had time to be done.

Well, you know what they say about assuming...

Yep. Yesterday morning I finally got the call with the blood work results. Results I already knew on my own, given all the Lyme Disease research I've done over the last few days.

Early stages Lyme Disease. Looks a lot like the flu virus, with headaches, fever and malaise. Huh. Well how about that. Hindsight really is 20/20.

So. Three weeks of antibiotics. She'll be fine. Thank goodness we caught this early! And thank goodness my "mommy instincts" kicked into gear and I called the doctor. I didn't consult my retired pediatric nurse of a mom first. I didn't talk to Hubby about my decision. I just called. And I'm so thankful and proud of myself that I did.

For now, though, she's still suffering. Seemingly worse and worse everyday. More intense headaches. More likely to be "shaky sick" and/or have vomiting. Harder to cut through the pain with whatever meds I have to give her (children's Tylenol or Advil.) Longer lasting bouts of ill-feeling. And the pain always hits her pretty fast. One minute = happy, funny, "regular" Sweetie, the next = wincing, pained Sweetie. Today in particular has been pretty bad. A day that started out well enough, after a day yesterday of feeling good (after a couple morning hours of yuck.) But today's headache hit around 9 a.m. and she's still lounging on the sofa and visually in pain at 4 p.m. From the grimace on her face whenever she decides to get up, to the shadowed eyes that have become a pretty regular look for our Sweet girl, I can see how much she's just not herself.

I'm really, really hoping the antibiotics kick in very soon to help her feel better!

So, yeah. That's been our summer so far. And I didn't even tell you about the small windshield crack (that grew exponentially by the day until it was finally fixed) in our newly-purchased car, nor how I lost my debit card (albeit for only an hour or so - I had it all along!), nor how our other even-older-than-the-Saturn car we still have has tires of very, very questionable condition (and other parts too, of course.) Suffice it to say we've been forced to rely heavily on my parents to cart me around in their car while our cars have been MIA and/or been fixed.

But! The Great Park Pursuits have been fun so far! I hiked The Flume Gorge - a whole 2 mile loop! - with Hubby and Sweetie last weekend! Very Great indeed!

So at least there's that.

Anyway - we here at Chez Sweetie & Me are thanking our lucky stars that we finally have an answer to Sweetie's mystery illness of the last few weeks. And so very, very grateful that the infection was caught early and she'll be on the mend soon.

Here's to the end of all this excitement, and a hope for a nice, peaceful rest of our summer vacation. May your summer be fun and as eventful - in a good way - as you wish it to be!

Oh. And Sweetie, I'm sure, would love for me to tell you that - if you asked how she was, she'd still tell you "I'm great." :)

Well, of course she is.

8 going on... 8 1/2

I was talking on the phone the other night to a new friend and we were discussing our girls. I mentioned that Sweetie was just about 8 1/2.

"Oh, wow" I said out loud as I scanned the calender. "She really is almost 8 1/2."

Monday will be that "big day."

The person I was talking with noted that her daughter is just about Sweetie's same age, as she will turn 9 in early November.

But the way my new friend qualified her statement, saying her daughter was "8 going on 18," what with eye rolls and concern about popularity and general attitude ... well, it just made me consider Sweetie.

Sweetie, for all her drama and smarts and confidence is, for all intents and purposes, still just my little 8 1/2 year old girl.

She still wants to cuddle with me or her Daddy on the couch each day as we settle into or out of our days watching TV in the living room.

She still wants to be read to every night at bedtime. Or, if bedtime is running later than usual, she claims she can't fall asleep without at least hearing a poem (Daddy and I each have a particular poem we recite to her when bedtime comes around quickly.)

She still loves to give us "hugs, kisses, noses & poses" as we send her off to sleep.

Sweetie still cannot imagine a day when - like teens and preteens she sees on T.V. - she thinks she will feel any differently about Daddy and I than she does now. Thinking your parents are weird or uncool? Pshaw! She just doesn't get that... yet.

She still doesn't allow her life to revolve around friends and status and popularity. She's just as happy to play on her own as she is to have friends around to imagine and roam with.

Boys - as anything more than potential friends, plain and simple - are nowhere near being on her radar yet. Hmmmm... well, perhaps they're approaching the radar, but still far off. She has shyly/cutely told me before when a particular boy in her class told her he loved her. And - when I've picked on her about her new "boy" friend from the Boys and Girls Club - she too adamantly told me that they were JUST FRIENDS! (and, to me, the more adamant you get about something, the more it hides the real situation. I'm just sayin'...)

She still wears her princess helmet every time she heads outside to ride her bike on our not-really-that-busy-or-dangerous cul-de-sac road. We don't need to remind her. She never forgets. Not one consideration that she may not look terribly "cool" in the helmet. Not connecting any thoughts of seeing other kids in the neighborhood riding their bikes sans helmets. She just knows the rules of safe riding and obeys.

She also doesn't fight us on where she can ride her bike. For now, we just want her to stay on our rode. And, for now, that's fine enough for her.

We limit her T.V. watching to not include any silly pre-teen/teenage Disney shows like Hannah Montana or Wizards of Waverly Place (is Hannah Montana even still airing? Whatever...) She used to watch them. But when Hubby and I finally called an end to those days, she did not fight it. She's too young to be watching shows specifically aimed at kids who are dating and driving and getting into all sorts of messes.

At 8 1/2 years old, she is not yet taking care of her own baths or showers. This, I wish I could change. I tried to get her used to taking showers. It lasted 2 or 3 instances, until the novelty wore off. But something has to change. I'm getting too old and sore to bend down and wash her hair in the tub. (She does wash herself - except for hair - in the tub. So there's that...)

She doesn't care a hoot about clothing and fashion in general. She begrudgingly gets herself dressed on the weekend, picking out her own clothes. But most of the time I automatically set out her clothes for her, lest I hear her grumble and whine that she doesn't know what to wear. That, I think, is actually a pretty easily changeable situation. It's summertime now. You're 8 1/2 now. Get yourself dressed already or stay naked.

At any rate. What I'm saying... I'm pretty happy with the rate at which Sweetie is growing up. For the most part, not any faster than she's naturally aging each year. And that's just the way I like it.

Too many kids are growing up way too fast these days. And of course Sweetie is/has been exposed to some pretty mature concepts via the media or friends or whatnot. But, at least for now, she is happy and comfortable enough with these ideas to realize that "that's grownup stuff" and to leave it all alone.

Happy (almost) 8 1/2 year old birthday, Sweetie. I can't wait to enjoy the summer with you, spending some time with my little girl!

Rock That Boat

My thoughts. They are nothing if not a study in contradictions. Yet another reason, I think, that I've been so quiet here lately.

I realize something about Sweetie's behavior and/or attitude and I want to write about it... But then I recall how I just wrote recently about my take on how she's been concerning this matter, but in an opposite way from my current outlook. Hmmm... how can I go back on my word now?

Or my own hang ups and ideals. You've heard a lot of them before, and some I've written about quite recently. So how can I now go ahead now and write a post that completely contradicts my own point of view?

I guess, in a way, I'm still working out how exactly it is I feel about some things - especially in raising a child and wanting to teach her how to be her best. So when I see, for instance, Sweetie repeatedly behaving one way, I think it's intolerable and maddening. But then, when I finally start to see the preferred behavior and/or attitude coming forth, I'm no longer so absolutely sure that that really is the ideal way to conduct oneself.

Duh, Mom! Life is not so black and white! Different situations call for different reactions, and all that. Yeah, yeah. I hear you. Thanks for the reminder.

What I'm currently trying to process is Sweetie's continuing shift from "girl-who-was-so-rigidly-stubborn-about-the-way-things-had-to-be" - a girl who created, it seemed, "rules" for herself and everyone else for different regular situations in her life (and woe be to he who wavered from the rules) - to a more mellow girl who more easily goes with the flow and adapts better to all that's going on around her.

I'm sure you're all thinking, right along with me, "Great! This is a wonderful thing!" Especially those among you who have seen me/us through these trying years of rigid, dramatic Sweetie. Who wouldn't want a kid who has - if not naturally been so - finally learned to deal with changes in a more socially acceptable manner and no longer freaks the heck out when things don't always go her way. Yay for us for getting the point - finally! - across!

Well, yeah. This really is a wonderful thing. Really! The drama has certainly lessened in our house and life seems to be moving along swimmingly, with nice, quiet play times and easy-going, spur-of-the-moment changes to our usual state of being. Hazzah, hazzah!

However... I do wonder if there isn't just a bit of a lean toward apathy happening here - something beyond the mere easy-going attitude.

Case in point #1 - School. Now, Sweetie used to love school. After the last day of kindergarten, she was very upset to learn she'd have to wait an entire summer before starting up in 1st grade. What?! she said. You mean I don't get to go to 1st grade on Monday?! Nope. Sorry, Sweetie. You have to enjoy several weeks off of vacation before you can move on. It's just the way it is.

And, yeah. I know. A kid gets older and the "fun" of school is slowly replaced with the "work" of school. What kid wants to do all that work when school used to be all about play time, rest time, snack time and show & tell? But still. It's a bit sad to see the excitement reduce.

Not that I'm saying she flat out doesn't like school anymore. She certainly does! But she just as equally enjoys her weekends and random days off as she does heading off to school each day. - But it's those random days off that are really worth getting excited about, if you ask me.

The girl was absolutely no fun at all during this past winter, what with our New England weather and the many terrible storms we had. I can't recall exactly, but I'd say there were at least 8 or so snow days this past winter season. In fact, after Christmas vacation, there was a good month and a half where there was not 1 full week of school due to either planned days off or - more typically - surprise snow days.

But Sweetie? Eh. She was completely and totally content to go to school, or to be told she had the day off because of snow. Even when I would warn her the night before that I was pretty sure there'd be no school tomorrow, because a storm was coming... but then it didn't hit quite so hard after all and school was, indeed, on. Okay. Cool. Whatever. School or no school. She was/is happy either way.

Heck! I was way more excited about her snow days than she was!

Still. Get a little excited, Sweetie! About something! Be super stoked for school, or be pumped that summer vacation is only days away. It doesn't matter. But React! Show some enthusiasm! Choose a side already!

Ahem...

Case in point #2 - Dan.* Dan is a boy Sweetie has regularly been playing with everyday after school at the Boys & Girls Club. He's one grade older than her at their school, and together they've been playing at Legos, and Transformers, and comic book creating, and whatever other fantastically fun activities they can find that binds them together in harmonious play. It's been at least 2 months now of consistent, everyday play together. Sometimes other kids come and go to the group. But, always, it's Sweetie and Dan playing together.

Now, I don't know Dan. I saw the back of his head once, that's it. But Sweetie talks about him quite a lot and so I've come to form an opinion of him that is favorable. He seems like a good kid and a great match for Sweetie. Who cares that he's a boy. Who cares that he's a year older. They seem to get along well and have fun. That's alright by me.

Every once in awhile, I'll ask Sweetie questions. Like, does Dan seem to like playing with you as much as you like playing with him? Is he ever mean to you? What's his last name? Does he mind that you're a girl in 2nd grade, and he's a boy in 3rd? Does he ever want to play with anyone else and not you?  - Things like that. I'm trying to get a sense of this kid and if he truly considers Sweetie a friend - or at least a great playmate! - or is he just appeasing her interest in hanging around with him.

All info from Sweetie says that, from what she can tell, they equally enjoy each other's company. Well, then. Would you like to see if we can arrange some play dates with him over the summer? Sure, she says (again, not a super excited response, but a positive one nonetheless.)

Then, I admit, I did some sleuthing and found contact info for his parents. I told Sweetie I would call his mom and see about the possibility of summer play together. But first, I said, why don't you ask Dan if he'd like to play with you once school is out.

That night, well after Sweetie was home, at dinner time, I again brought up the idea of summer playtime with Dan. I asked Sweetie if she had mentioned the idea to him at Club.

Yes, she had.

And?

He said no.

What?! Well, how exactly did you ask? How did he say no? Were there other kids around that maybe he didn't want to hear him saying yes to you? You used the words "play date." Maybe, as a 3rd grader, he didn't like that because it sounds babyish. Maybe his parents work full time and he knows he'll always be coming to the Club still and won't have an opportunity to play with you. Maybe he knows he's going away all summer and won't be around to come over. Did he still play with you after you asked him? Did he sound mean when he said no? Were you upset?

Uh - I think Hubby and I were a wee bit more concerned about this turn of events than Sweetie was. That said, Sweetie didn't seem to have any real feelings about the situation at all. Maybe just a tiny bit quiet/questioning about it. But not upset. They kept playing together at Club after she asked. He didn't say no in a mean way. He just said no. End of story.

Hmph. Oh, if only I could have been a fly on the wall for that exchange. As it is, I'll never really understand how the conversation went down and why he said no.

But Sweetie - she's so... ambivalent about it all. He's become your friend! You have fun together! You both like Legos and making up stories and games! Don't you want to play with him as much as you can?! Aren't you upset that he told you he doesn't want to play with you?! Show some feelings already!!!

I think I'll still end up calling Dan's mom after all. I'll let these last few days of school pass by, allowing them to continue their "relationship" - whatever it is - undeterred by parental involvement. But once they're away from each other for a bit, then I'll talk to his mom and see what she thinks about Dan's interest in continuing their friendship through June, July and August.

But Sweetie. Sweet, kind, creative and - apathetic? - daughter o' mine. Ambivalence and apathy just are not words that I ever thought I'd attribute to you. Yes, it's been so great to be able to switch up our plans and change things that you are otherwise "used to" without big, dramatic fall outs like we've known you to display before. For this change in your behavior alone, I am grateful. But don't lose your passion, Sweetie. Don't lose your ability to form an opinion. Don't let - as I truly believe you have - your typical "Great!" response to how are you feeling slip from "Great!" to "great." Let your greatness mean something! Be great when you feel it, and feel it as often as possible. But allow yourself to feel "sad" and "angry" and "scared" and "mad" and "excited" and "thrilled" and just plain "fine" whenever you experience those natural changes of mood. No, it's not alright to dramatically lash out to a comparatively small annoyance or negative change. But it is completely alright to feel what you feel - whatever you feel - and express your thoughts appropriately and without fear of being wrong or bad.

This is your life, Sweetie. Live it to the fullest and show the world all the great levels of passion inside of you. Always be true to yourself, respectful of others, and - yes - even rock the boat every once in awhile when needed. We and the world won't mind. And you just may cause the needed ripple that starts the great movement of amazing change.

---------------------------------

*not his real name.

Distracted

Hmmmm... Look at that. A whole month went by with not one post. Sorry 'bout that. Guess I've been.... distracted.

Speaking of being distracted (duh!), I've actually been really proud of and impressed by myself of late, as I notice myself working at my various part time jobs. That is, when at each one of my jobs, I am completely able to be fully present. I am not thinking about what I have to do at the other office, or otherwise worrying about anything other than the matter at hand. That, I think, is a skill and a talent. Go, me!

However... in my home life I seem to be nothing but distracted. Yep, I think Sweetie's #1 annoying quality has warn off on me ("You've been up here for 5 minutes and you're just brushing your teeth now? What have you been doing all this time? - "I was distracted!")

We went to the grocery store the other day and I mentioned to Hubby, "Oh! We need juice boxes? Where are they?" - "Right down this aisle on the left at eye level." And then? A half second later? I totally spaced the juice boxes as we pass 'em right on by.

I also happened to not even consider my need for my own breakfast bars - something I regularly buy at every grocery trip. Hmmph.

The other day I was picking up the house, in anticipation of some friends coming over for dinner. One of the things I did (well, intended to do) was take the gift certificate I recently got for my birthday from the stairs to my purse. Well, I picked it up and.... well... When I went to look for it the next day, it wasn't in my purse. After careful and long consideration, hours later, I figured I may have thrown it in the trash instead.

Yep. I found it. In the trash. Thank goodness!

And then. And then! I made rum and Coke drinks for Hubby and I at dinner last night. Eh. They didn't taste quite right. We figured it was just because it was hot out and the ice was melting faster than usual, thus making them taste watery - or something. But, nope. As I took my last sip I realized, "Hey! I never put the rum in these!"

What a complete waste of Coke.

And it's not even like I started making them, walked away for a second, and came back to finish. I just... didn't think about the rum. Bah.

Actually, I'm really too distracted to even write this post. And as I think about it, I do recall on at least a few occasions writing here about how my mind is always one step ahead. When I'm doing one thing, I always think I should be doing that other thing. It's a constant curse with me.

But now it seems to be getting worse. At home.

At work? I'm golden. Totally on task.

I think. Or....

Maybe distracted with all the things to do at work and which to focus on currently....

But all, at least, job related.

That's a good thing, right?

Oh, never mind. Maybe I should have let even more time go by before writing again. That would have been better for all of us, I think.

If you'll excuse me now, I'm sure I've got something else to do now. I just can't think of what that could be...

Doer, Thinker, Dreamer, Creator

I know I'm entirely biased, but I've never met someone - especially a kid - quite like you, Sweetie.

You cannot be lumped into one of The Four Categories: Doer, Thinker, Dreamer, Creator. No, you actually are The Four Categories:

You would much rather do something than merely watch it happen around you. Did you have any interest whatsoever in watching the Royal Wedding festivities on T.V. yesterday? Heck no! Instead, hosted and directed the "wedding" of a couple of your stuffed animals here. Very elaborate stuff, too, with veils and rings and guests and at least a couple days worth of planning. The whole nine yards. And how was it again that you learned to ride your two-wheel bike last fall? Oh yeah, that's right. While dad and I stood on the street trying to figure out how best to teach you, you just got on and did it! Way to go, Sweetie!

And going back to the Royal Wedding, your curious mind came up with some pretty good questions about the royal lineage and such. What if the king or queen has twin sons as their oldest kids? Who gets to be the king next then? Good thinking, Sweetie! Your mind is always working, and it's amazing. I also witnessed that mind of yours hard at work when learning 2-digit subtraction a couple months ago. You'd missed that whole week of school due to illness, so you were left to learn more or less on your own/with Daddy and my assistance. After not too long, you were going through the process with no problem, getting each answer right on your worksheets brought home to complete. But that was not good enough for you. You didn't understand why you were doing what you were doing! Why did you have to not only carry, but also change the other numbers along the way too? It didn't make sense to you at all. But I was struck, as I watched you struggle. Most other kids, I bargained, would be happy enough to just get through the process correctly - who cares about real understanding!? Well - you do. And it bugged you for weeks, until, finally, it all because clear.

And, boy!, are you a dreamer! Quite literally, too, as you seem to have some of the most elaborate dreams I've ever heard. Almost every morning when I wake you up for school, you are either relieved that you just finished your dream before I got you up, or you're miffed because you were just getting to the good part. "But that's okay," you'll finally conclude. "I'll just finish it tonight when I go to bed." And then you're off to school, finally returning home in the evening where you'll often times set right to work, drawing out your dream from the night before. "It's too hard to tell you about my dream. I'll draw it for you instead." Okay, Sweetie. Can't wait to see it!

Whenever I ask you, Sweetie, who you play with at recess, you most often tell me that you usually just play on your own. "Why!" I ask, knowing full well you're not shy, so asking another kid or two to play really shouldn't be a problem for you. Your answer? Well, you love to act out your dreams on the playground, and the other kids don't know what your dreams looked like - only you do! So you play on your own. Well, alrighty, then.

As for a creator - well, of course you are! Give you a pile of Legos, some crayons and some paper, add in a plethora of tape and a pair of scissors, and you are golden! You will be all set for the day, creating not only the most amazing Lego creatures and automobiles as well as some amazing drawings and paper crafts, but the highly detailed stories to go along with them all.

You know, I've most consistently pegged you as a creator, given your mad skillz for story creation, from-scratch crafts, and Lego universes. But... your building ability - with Legos, paper clips, blocks, what have you - is actually very scientific and shows a great engineer's mind. You know how to play chess quite competently, and your great ability to visualize accurately with your mind's eye is a big assist to you when playing both this and other games that require you to first envision steps 4, 5 & 6 in order to make the best moves # 1, 2 & 3.

In short, Sweetie, you amaze me. I'm really impressed (cough*jealous*cough) of how you swiftly think through problems, create vast worlds, and dream up big plans. Where others either Do, Think, Dream or Create, you do all four - often at the same time! I love how your mind works, how full your heart is with love and compassion, and how deep your soul runs with spirit and energy. You are one of a kind, Sweetie. I'm so proud of you and know that, above all else, you will not only reach for the stars in all you do, but also continue to succeed, return, and reach higher toward every further goal you seek to fulfill.

(song below composed by Sweetie, sung each time she swings at the playground...)

The wind in my ears feels so great,


Yes, the wind in my ears feels so good!


Cuz I've, I've never been this high since this very second,


I've never been this high befo-o-ore!


I've never been this high since this very second,


And I'll probably be this high way more!

Selfish With My Time, Hopeful With My Lessons

Yes, it's true. I do have 5 different part time jobs to juggle. You could say I'm busy. You could marvel at what it must take for me to get through each week, let alone each day. You may wonder how I keep everything straight.

And I'd letcha.  Cuz it can be tricky.

But all in all, I only work each week about 40 hours - the typical number of hours anyone with a full time job works. So, no. I don't feel overly busy. And most of my workdays start a little late. Yes - that means they end a bit later too. But I have my free time. That's my point. I'm not working myself into the ground. I like the changes of venue. Each of my jobs offers me the chance to engage with people, and myself, in different but interesting ways to me. I am not bored and I pretty much like every different job that I do. I am happy.

Still, when it comes to my free time, my down time... I really prefer it to be just that. Time for me. Time for my family. Committing myself to other responsibilities just isn't what I'm interested in doing. Not any responsibilities outside of the home, anyway. Give me some time for myself to do things for myself, like write or take care of weekend chores. Or give me some time to spend with Sweetie and Hubby. I'm sorry, but that's all I'm really interested in.

Don't get me wrong. I do love and feel connected to various people, groups and issues in the world and my community. But would I rather join a committee to help save the whales, committing myself to multiple meetings, various obligations, and event dates on my calendar? Or would I rather take day trips with my husband and little girl - stopping for geocaches along the way and finding a little hole-in-the-wall eatery with amazing food to try? Sorry, but my family and our time together wins out every time.

It's an internal struggle, of course. Because there really are issues and groups and principles in this world that I believe in and support. By not joining a cause and fighting the good fight - or whatever the case may be - am I sending Sweetie a message of apathy? A message of "This is important, but don't worry. Plenty of others will take care of it. Let's go get ice cream!" I don't know.

I worry - what is it, really, that we're telling our child?

I don't honestly feel like a bad, disinterested person. Not usually, anyway. I feel like I have a good deal of things on my plate so that when free time comes around I have a right to decide how I want to spend it and who I want to spend it with. And that is almost always with Sweetie and Hubby. That's a good thing, right?! I'm putting my family first and valuing the time we have together by making the most of it... even to the detriment of time spent with others we love and world issues needing attention.

Sweetie is a good kid. She cares for others and recognizes, at least basically, some of the big concerns of others around her. She sees all around her - at church, on TV, at school - that there are plenty of ways to help all sorts of people, animals and groups to make a better way for themselves. I think she knows that mom and dad are caring people, as well, who feel for those who are less fortunate in their lives. I think she also recognizes that we ourselves struggle on a daily basis with getting by as best we can with the money we have.

But what do we do about it? Isn't there a way we can help? Isn't it our responsibility to do our part - as tiny as that may be - to help those beings in need of assistance, love and support?

Apparently not. The problems of the world  - or even our immediate community - must not be that compelling. We can care and feel compassion. Others can actually do something about it.

That, I'm afraid, is the message we're sending.

And it may not even be that big. You know? Maybe we're invited to a casual party with acquaintances. The whole family can come! Great, but yah. No. I value my family time too much to put one more thing on the calendar than is completely necessary right now. Because even parties can start to feel like "have to's" instead of "want to's" when the rest of your weekends are full too and you're not in the mood. Not that we always decline an invitation, of course. We actually very much look forward to many gatherings! But there are times when we'd really prefer to just lay low instead.

"We like to leave our Sunday afternoons free. It's never fun to be out late on a 'school night'."

"This week has been so insanely busy that we just want to take Saturday as a 'Do Nothing' Day."

"These people never serve any food that we like. We don't want to go there, so far away, just to starve."

"Sorry, but we already made plans to go to this Fair that day. Hopefully we'll find some time to get together another time soon."

We may plan to do something that we put on the calendar, but then at the last minute Hubby and I may change our minds. Maybe it's even something that really sounded like fun to Sweetie and us too. But we now say no. "We don't want to go anymore." "We changed our mind." "Wouldn't you rather stay home and play a game together or watch a movie with us or ride your bike instead?!"

That's right, kid. It's okay to reneg on your plans for the sake of your own wants and needs. Don't worry about backing out on what you said you'd do. It's okay. No one will really care in the end.

Bad, bad parents.

Then again...

We are raising - somehow, miraculously - a pretty GREAT Sweetie. She really is a caring, (mostly) polite little girl who feels for others and wants to do good for those she loves as well as anyone she sees who is sad. A girl who loves to make little "secret" postcards of hope and love that she hides in various places during our travels for random people to find. She's bright, self-confident, creative, funny and interested in so many different kinds of things. And we're teaching her, I think, above all else, that the love of your family is the love that can make all the difference in the world.

When the world is getting you down, you can rely on your family to help you through.

When you feel like you have nowhere else to go, no one else who cares, your family will always be there no matter what.

Your family can make you absolutely crazy mad and want to scream and run away.... but will also be there 15 minutes later for a hug and a kiss and a Band-aid when you trip and fall and skin your knee.

Likewise, your family can be beyond mad at something you've done or said. They can punish you and express their disappointment in the bad decisions you've made or the poor way you've conducted yourself. But, that night, will always tuck you into bed with a "hug, kiss, nose & pose" and tell you how very much they will always love YOU (if not always the choices you make.)

And, perhaps, that the value of a loving family is so incredibly important and can, in many different ways big and small, impact those around them to do better, be better, love better themselves.

And the more people who can live a loving life in community with family, the better our world will be in the long run...

(...Until the tween & teenaged years. You'll have to check back with me then to see just how important Sweetie finds a loving family to be...


Talk about apathy and selfishness. I don't even want to think about it...)

Give and Take (or, Love is Blind)

She runs toward me off the playground, full charge ahead. I plant my weight into the ground, steady myself with my stick. Ready to receive the full brunt of her love as she embraces me with her strong arms and beautiful words.

I just sit down with my cup of tea after long minutes cleaning dishes, switching laundry. My back aches with stiffness. I release my energy to the sofa cushions and pillows. Giving myself up to some time of "do-nothingness." Then she calls me to the computer. She's stuck and needs help. She calls me to her craft table to see a new creation. She calls me upstairs, needing help with one thing or another. Again and again. She needs - or wants - my assistance. My attention. She knows I just sat down, but this does not phase her. I am needed and I must go.

We read together during weekend days, as a family. No more bedtime stories. At least not for now. No longer is it completely trackable who put her to bed last night. Did you read, or did I? No longer a bench mark for accuracy. But she knows. She knows it is my turn to tuck her in, all comfy and warm. I argue that it doesn't really matter. Daddy can do it again. I'll take you tomorrow. No - it's you're turn, she says. No matter that the stairs are not my greatest friend. No matter that - yet again, and always - my back is tight with pain. No matter. My night for bedtime duties. She knows the pattern too well.

She wants to play a game. She sets it up on our large living room ottoman, so that she sits on the floor and I can sit on the couch. She knows sitting on the floor can almost literally break me apart with pain. She's considering my needs in relation to her own. She's making me as comfortable as she can. She's taking care of me.

I fold the laundry into tall piles. I've done my job. With only a few gentle reminders, she then does hers. Delivering each pile to its rightful upstairs location. She's doing for me what I cannot easily do on my own.

Daddy and she go out for a trek in the woods. Most likely with a little geocaching included. She reminds him that Mommy used to geocache with them as well. Why doesn't she come anymore? Daddy reminds her that it's sometimes too difficult for Mommy to go on long hikes over difficult land. This makes it not so much fun for Mommy to want to come along. Oh. Yeah. Just the same, she misses me on their outings.

She sees a child in the large room, holding a bouquet of beautiful balloons. She turns to me with fear in her eyes. There are balloons here, Mommy! You're allergic! If I don't get a chance to stop her, she will inform said child of my allergy to the brightly colored orbs. Don't worry about it, Sweetie. I'll be okay. I won't get hurt, I promise. Thank you for your concern, but I'll be okay.

We wake up early on a cold, icy school morn. Snow is falling and ice has encased my car. As she watches her morning cartoon friends, I inform her that I'll be outside clearing off the car. Okay, she says. I struggle to the car. I slip and possibly fall on a small patch of ice. I trod through the snow. But I get the job done. It's not pretty, but it's done. Sweetie warm inside, knowing that Mom's just taking care of another "Mom" thing. No big deal at all.

I call to say I'm on my way home early from work. His phone rings a few too many times, then.... background noise. Hello?, I say. Hi, Mom! Sweetie! You figured out how to answer Daddy's phone all by yourself? Daddy showed me how. Good job! I'm coming home. I'll see you soon. Okay. Bye bye. Bye. Love you. Then she's gone. I love you too, Sweetie.

I need her help, and she gives without complaint. She asks for mine, and I return in kind. She understands my limitations, but they may or may not matter at any given moment. I'm her mom. I exist in her eyes to help her, teach her, raise her, show her love and attention. She's my daughter. Helping me with activities I cannot easily accomplish on my own, expecting me to love her and shower her with affection and attention, no matter my physical state.

There are things your kids can help you with and there are things they just expect you to do. Sweetie is no different from any other child. I am no different from any other mom. This fact is proven to me, blessedly, over and over again every single day in every single way.