'Nuff Said

Thankfully, my parents - nor anybody else - also never told me what I could or could not do.

You Be You, I'll Be Me

Continuing on this path of growing and becoming and being one's truth self...

It has become increasing apparent to me that, in so many ways, I am the person who has boxed Sweetie so neatly into a defined package.

I also find myself speaking on Sweetie's behalf an awful lot. Not that Sweetie's disagreed with me on any points in particular - that she voices, anyway. It's just that, in a lot of ways, I make the decisions and she goes along.

I took her to her Grammy's to get a haircut a few months back, and I instructed Grammy on the length and look "we" wanted. I said I wanted it cut to a particular length, and Grammy asked if that length will be okay with Sweetie. I answered, "Oh, she doesn't care what she looks like." Grammy was surprised, "What do you mean, she doesn't care?! Of course she does!" And, as it turned out, Sweetie did care... she actually wanted her hair shorter than I said. In this particular case, she wanted a true "boy" haircut, as she was just about to perform as a boy orphan in a production of "Oliver!" To this, Grammy and I both said no - we were not drastically changing her appearance for 1 weekend's worth of shows. Grammy gave her the bobbed length I originally detailed. 

But still... I spoke for Sweetie on this, as I always have when she gets haircuts, and Sweetie went along with it just fine in the end. In fact I have never asked Sweetie how she wants her hair. I decide, and that's what happens. 

I write here all the time how great and creative and smart and funny and truly amazing Sweetie is in every possible way. Seriously, y'all must want to steal my keyboard from me by now so you don't have to hear it anymore! And, yeah, she's still pretty freakin' awesome - always will be in my eyes. But you know what? There's a different side to her that I'm seeing now that is in stark contrast to how I've always seen my Sweetie.

As her Destination Imagination team leader this year, I am getting a really up close and personal look at how she interacts with her teammates. It's a small team, consisting of Sweetie, another 4th grade girl from a neighboring town that's been with Sweetie for the past 2 years in D.I., and Sweetie's best friend from school, who is new to D.I. this year - a boy in the 5th grade. Every Friday we get together after school, and every Friday I am, 1) shocked at how loud 3 kids can be in general, and 2) appalled at Sweetie's lack of concentration, inability to sit still, and willingness to go along with the others as opposed to eagerness to speak up and present her own ideas.

Yes, I completely get that, as her mother, I see her "issues" during our meetings much more dramatically than any misbehavior that may happen by either of her 2 teammates. But still. In Sweetie, I am not seeing as much of the smart, creative, outgoing girl I thought I knew. Rather, I see her jumping up and switching seats every 5 minutes, when the other 2 stay put where they first land. I see Sweetie having trouble understanding concepts or games, where the other 2 tend to jump right in with both feet. Sweetie's misunderstandings, of course, lead to her whining, "why do they get it and I don't?!" I see her doodling and randomly calling out unrelated things, talking over me and her teammates, when I ask for specific information. And Sweetie has, by and large, taken a back seat to any real planning. She's happy and eager to go along with what is planned, but does not contribute terribly many new ideas to the group.

This is not the Sweetie I thought I knew.

Granted, I'm pretty sure I can recall that her 2 team managers from the previous years have mentioned a similar comment about Sweetie... that she goes along with the group, but rarely provides anything new. They have also casually agreed with me once or twice that it's Sweetie's social development that lags behind a bit, not her intellect. That one I do remember being a bit surprised at. How do they know? Just from 1 meeting a week a few months out of the year? They don't know my Sweetie! But, you know... at the time, and without seeing what they saw, everything's just a statement to me. In one ear, out the other.

Now, I've seen it and I'm, sadly, rather surprised.

But! No matter! DI is team led. Whatever issues they may or may not have amongst each other, is not my problem to resolve. They're a small team this year and must find ways to work together and get things done, come what may. I'm hoping that, because of the small group, I'll start to see Sweetie begin to present ideas and worthwhile contributions to their project. But... my role is really just to be there as a guardrail. Whatever happens in the end for them and their project - so be it. It'll prove to be a learning year for all of us, if nothing else.

But I digress.

Sweetie... She is more than who I've neatly boxed her as. She is who I know her to be, of course. But she is more. She is, in fact, also less. But all of this is good. As I said before. She is growing, changing, finding her place in this world. She is 10. And it's time I started giving her more room to find her way as she sees fit.

Everyday I pick out her clothes and she gets dressed. There's never an argument about this. She never complains. But maybe she'd like to pick out her own clothes sometimes. Occasionally she does this on the weekend, and she does a good job. I always dress her in pants. Maybe, if given a chance, she'd actually choose to wear a skirt sometimes to school. To be honest, it never really crossed my mind that she really cared one way or the other. Well, perhaps she cares. I should give her the chance to show off her style. To develop a style!

She wanted an American Girl Doll for Christmas, as she's wanted one for the past few Christmases. We tell her she doesn't really want one. We point out that she doesn't like to play with dolls. We convince her enough that she removes that wish from her list. No more doll. Well... maybe she does want a doll! Perhaps I and Hubby have almost, subconsciously, smothered her with the idea of how cool it is to be a tomboy of sorts. Heck - it's easier and more fun for us, anyway! Girly-girls are too princess-y. Too fawning and "weak." Too emotional and dramatic! Tomboy girls are cool and interesting and like to build and create and be the superhero! It's great to get out there and play with the boys! Go, Sweetie!

Well... maybe she has a bit of the princess in her. Who knows. Maybe she wants to explore her more feminine side of play. Maybe she wants to play house more than she does. I know she likes to sometimes play school. She loves arts and crafts. I know she enjoys playing whatever it is her few girl friends like to play. She seems to have fun playing at whatever she's given the opportunity to do. And as I keep telling her over and over, girls can do anything! Girls aren't weak and quiet! Be the girl you want to be - whatever that is, that's cool! We should allow her to explore more, I think, and if she wants something we'd classify as a more girly game or toy - so be it. This is Sweetie we're talking about, after all. Not us!

So, yes, Sweetie. As I've said before, you be you! And, with that, I'd love for you to develop your voice more. And I'm sorry if it's largely due to my actions that, at 10 years old, you've not really been given a chance to find who you really are at this point. Speak up! Show us who you want to be - who you are!

As for me... well, I'm taking 2013 to be my year. I read an article recently which stated the dreadful reality that far too many mothers on Facebook, for instance, post as their profile pics pictures of their child(ren). Mothers are hiding behind their children. They're showing the kids - not themselves. Mothers are answering that their kids are good as a response for how are they doing, indicating that "if the kids are good, I must be good too." They are posting funny/poignant/interesting/proud/maddening information about their kids as their status and rarely mentioning any details about their own lives.

And I realize - I do all of this, expertly. I am a fabulous hider. Yes, I take great care of Sweetie. I think I'm a damn good mom. But... who else am I? I really don't know the answer to that. I'm too busy taking care of her to stop and take care of me. To pay attention to who I am and what I need and want.

Well, no more. As I said. 2013 is my year! I've already started by booking myself several doctors appointments. Appointments I haven't followed through on in years. I have oh so many health related issues I've wanted to talk to my doctor about. But I haven't made the time for me before. Now - I'm about to get my health in order and get firmly on my path to wellness and feeling good. As Hubby has always said to me (but I never listened before), he and I have to be the best we can be so that we can raise a good Sweetie. If we don't show her that we care enough to take care of ourselves, what is she going to think about her own health? That it's dismissible? That she's dismissible? That others always come before yourself? That's a wonderful thought and all on the outside, but no. Take care of yourself first, always, so that you can then in turn help take care of those you love.

Happy 2013, Sweetie. The year for you. The year for me. The year we find ourselves, alone, together.

You Are 10

10. I can't believe it. In 5 more days you will be 10 years old. Wow.

I should be waiting til your actual birthday to write this post, as I've tried to do in the past. But what the hey. It seems like I and others in the family have already been considering you as a 10 year old for some time now. So it's only fitting that I'm a bit early with this post as well.

Yes, in years past whenever anyone has asked me your age, even as we get into December and the weeks and days leading up to said birthday, I've always been pretty good about saying your actual age. Sure, I may say, for instance, that you're 8, about to be 9 in so many days - but I acknowledge your actual age first, always. But this year? It seems like I've been mentioning your coming age first and foremost ever since you turned 9 1/2. "How old is she?" - "She'll be 10 in December" or "Almost 10." Now I find myself looking forward, I guess. Not keeping you grounded in the age you are, but pushing ahead to the age you're going to be.

Not that I want to push ahead at all! Absolutely not. I love you so much at every age you've been and only want your pending changes and milestones to come at the reasonable, natural clip at which they're meant to come. Nothing slower, nothing faster. Just "be" who you are, when you are, and enjoy.

And, oh, I do know you are enjoying yourself! And I also know you're changing. 10 years old - what an interesting age, to say the least. It's the age, according to both Daddy and I, when continuous life begins. Meaning he and I both only remember snippets of our lives before age 10, but from 10 on forward, we pretty much have a good running story of how our lives have been. Perhaps the same will be true for you.

For now, though, you are 10. Dancing on the thin, slick brim between carefree childhood, falling back playfully into the warm bath of innocent fun, or warily slipping off too soon into the unknown abyss of teenaged angst and drama. I see these 2 diverse worlds so dramatically in you, too. In many ways you are still such a little girl. So very full of childish wonder and imagination. People have asked, for instance, if you still believe in Santa Claus. Boy, do you ever! It honestly seems like you believe more wholeheartedly this year than any previous year. You even had me mail off a letter to the big guy in red just a few weeks ago - a step you've never asked for in the past. And, of course, we'll be paying our annual visit to Santa on your birthday, at your continued request.

I know Daddy and I are mostly to "blame" for your fervent continued faith and belief in all things magical and mystical - and that's, quite honestly, completely alright with us. Preferred, even! Intended. For not only do you believe in Santa, but the Easter Bunny and the "magic pumpkin" who visits you every Halloween as well. Wow! Your very own self-carving, note-writing pumpkin who appears at our home every Halloween season just in time for the pumpkin festival. Pretty cool! So cool, in fact, that Halloween is right up there at the top of the list, along with Christmas and Easter, of your most favorite holidays. I don't blame you. I kinda dig on Halloween too, just so I can see your excited response to your pumpkiny visitors. And to think, Daddy simply thought it would be easier, some years back, if he could just carve a pumpkin for you rather than make a big production out of setting up a family carving time to do it together. Funny how cherished family traditions can sometimes start from the silliest, "time saving" things.

Speaking of family traditions... now, this year, you've gone ahead and crafted your own popsicle stick version of the Elf on the Shelf. Your Elf hides in a different location each night, just like the "real" Elf on the Shelf. And, even though we've never had the real Elf, you sure do know your elfin rules! You must NOT ever touch it, for one thing. Also, an elf won't travel unless it has a name. Huh - how interesting! And you also know that, every night, she travels back to the North Pole to visit Santa to report on your behavior, then comes back again to another spot in our house to check in on you. For some reason, though, you got it in your brain that there'd be a prize to be had after successfully finding your elf after 5 consecutive days. Hmmmm.... I wasn't so sure about that. We told you that seemed unlikely and, sure enough, 5 days came and went without a prize. Oh well. She's still been a lot of fun to look for, and she sure has come up with a bunch of funny landing places each time she returns to the house. Looks like Miss Snowflakes is definitely a new beloved family friend and will be back to visit us for some Christmases to come.

More childlike ways you hold on to - you are still very much a cuddler. That's right - becoming a 10 year old has not yet ruined you for your willingness to love on your Daddy and I, and to show us that love often with cuddles, hugs, and kisses. Many times I'll come home from work in the evening to find you cuddled into Daddy's arms as the two of you enjoy another episode of "Phineas and Ferb." And in the mornings, you often will still, wordlessly, sneak closer and closer to me on the couch, physically taking my arms and wrapping them around your body. "Hold me with 2 hands!" you used to tell us all the time - when you were a toddler. Now, this is still what you want. Even if you aren't as vocal about it, you still demand this of us in your own way.

And as I put you to bed the other night, opening up the chapter book that Daddy and I alternately read to you each night, I wondered aloud for how much longer would you want he and I to read to you at bedtime. Without much pause, you decidedly answered that we'd have to read to you every night until you got married, which is when you'd leave the house. "Or," upon further consideration, "until I go to college, actually. But whenever I come home to visit for vacations, you'd still read to me then." Okay, Sweetie. If that's what you want. I don't know, though. I'm interested to see how long you will truly want for this nighttime ritual as time goes on.

On a more unpleasant note... your continuing childlike ways can still often lead to whines and tears. If you're frustrated about something, or don't understand something, or something simply doesn't go the way you envisioned, you often just want it to go away, and you plead for that with sad tears in your eyes. For instance, I inadvertently gave you what I thought was a simple math problem to figure out yesterday during our DI meeting. I'd asked your teammates how many cookie orders they got for their fundraiser, and they each willingly offered up how many dozen cookies that translated into (1 order = 2 dozen cookies.) So I asked you, who had a whopping 19 orders!, how many dozen cookies you had gotten. You did not know right off the bat and, in fact, used division to come up with your final answer. Your teammate, and best friend, tried to show you that you needed to use multiplication instead, and he and I both wanted to help you understand why. I even wondered aloud how a little girl who claims to love math so much could not understand the reason why multiplication leads to the correct answer here. But you just wanted to be done with the whole thing, tearfully saying that this had nothing to do with DI and couldn't we just move on.

And so we did. But I've seen this in you before. More and more you don't seem to like to be challenged. You don't like not understanding, not knowing the answer. For a kid who's always been so interested in and accepting of the mysteries and the curiosities of the world, this is certainly a change in you. Not altogether bad. Just a change. You want more. You want to understand, as others around you already seem to do, and it angers and frustrates you when you don't - or even when it takes you a bit longer than for others. I know that feeling, Sweetie, and I agree. It's not a good one. But at least, ultimately, it does challenge you to reach for those answers. Some day I know you will again feel more comfortable with the stretch, with the reach, with the investigation, and less self conscious about the initial not knowing. It's okay to not know, Sweetie. And it's okay to question. You, more than anyone else I know, have always been comfortable with this process in the past. You're such a smart kid! You'll get there again, and soon. I promise.

Yes, you are a smarty, that's for sure! Beyond the basic "school stuff" - you've always read at least a few grade levels above your actual year, and you scored darn near perfect on last year's NECAP test, especially on the math section. You also brought home your first report card of the year last week - straight A's! Well done! - you are just plain smart, creative, thoughtful and yes, still very curious. You request to watch various documentaries and Nova ScienceNow episodes, and have especially liked the ones about physics and how our universe "works." As Daddy and I sit there, saying our heads hurt from all the trying to understand, you say, "Oh, yeah. I get it. It makes sense to me... and it's so cool!" For your current daily reading selection for school, you've chosen Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. I warned that you may find the language challenging, but you wanted to try. You're more than half way through now, claiming that you both understand and love it! You and your best friend both are total knowledge geeks, both always having great days at school and proclaiming that "school rocks!" You both are excited for the coming school vacation, of course, but sad as well. "Excited for Christmas, but sad because we like school and will miss it." And speaking of Christmas, you've requested gifts of not only science kits, but also "physics" games ("physics rocks!") and math stuff. And I found some pretty cool things, I gotta tell ya! I can't wait for Christmas morning to see how you like all your gifts. Yes, you are a kid who has always liked to learn and who has already crammed a lot of information into that little head of yours - both intellectually and emotionally.

Caring. Giving. Thoughtful. Putting others before you, always. This is you, Sweetie, and a very mature you at that! And even though we are what many would call a "financially uncomfortable" household, you really don't want for anything, much. You love the toys you have, and enjoy crafting your own new ones from supplies in your craft collection. I love the board game you made, for example, called "The Opposite Game," where you travel the board moving opposite of the number you select (if you select a 4, you move 6 spaces, since 10-4=6) and the winner is the one who doesn't reach the end first. What toys and games you actually do want, you've put on your Christmas list rather than wish for it for your birthday, which is 5 days sooner. "I can wait until Christmas," you say, "because then the gifts will be free since Santa makes them, and Daddy and you don't have to buy them." Not that you don't want birthday gifts, of course. But you're not really asking for anything specific on that day. In fact, you never really ask for anything even throughout the year. We can walk past a toy section in a store, and you never turn off the main aisle. You look in toy catalogs and make a plan to save your money for what you want. You are not greedy. Daddy told me how he was asking your opinion the other night regarding one more thing he can get me for Christmas. You had pointed out to him that, well, he was getting me that one thing, and you were getting me this thing, and - oh - there's that other thing too. That's enough, isn't it? Three things is good. Even though you were talking about me, I know you'd think the same for yourself too. Three things is good. You would be happily contented with that.

I love how you show so much care and concern for others when they are sad or hurt. To see others sad or hurt hurts your own heart. You only wish for everyone to always be happy. Why can't they be? But if they're not? You're the first on the scene to help them get the care they need and to turn the situation around. You are a caretaker and a happy-maker extraordinaire!

So. 10. You're nearly there, as unbelievable as that may seem. Double digits. A whole decade! Coming closer to the end of childhood... journeying closer, ever closer, to worlds unknown. Do I wonder how you'll fair against peers who may travel at a quicker pace than you? Sure. Do I already see glimpses of teenage drama even now? Of course! But am I fearful that the young person before me doesn't already have inside her, and around her, what it takes to develop the strong, capable, independent, determined and self confident human being you already definitely are? Absolutely not!

If nothing else, Sweetie, you have always been and continue to be a very self-aware person who is not afraid to dance as if no one is watching. Sure, you may struggle with this over the next several years. Maybe you already do, in some ways. But you know, deep down, who you are and where you're headed - others be damned!

Keep on going, Sweetie. Take your time where you wish, veer off the main trail for awhile when other vistas look a bit more interesting - but always keep pushing ahead, moving forward at your own personal pace. You'll find exactly what you're looking for - often change what you're looking for - and no doubt have a lot of fun along the way.

And, for as long as you want us - and even when you don't - Daddy and I will be right there with you, pushing you, pulling you, assisting your journey in any way we can. Even when that means sometimes encouraging you to take a bit of the hike all by yourself.

You can do it, Sweetie. We know you can.

The Undefined Sweetie

"Sweetie, do you want to get dressed up and wear a dress or skirt because it's Thanksgiving? Or do you just want to wear regular jeans and a shirt?"

"I don't care. You choose."

I picked out a cute "dressed up" outfit, complete with coordinating shirt and skirt and pretty blue leggings. She got many compliments and, I think, felt good about how she looked.

But, honestly? She really doesn't care about things like clothes. Dress her up - she's happy. Dress her down - she's happy. S'all good.

Which, you know, is good!

Apparently, though, she also doesn't care about presenting herself appropriately when she is dressed up.

- "It's not 'dress-up' day, Sweetie."

- "Sweetie! Sit like a lady!"

- "Sweetie! Is that how you're supposed to sit on the couch when you're wearing a skirt?"

It seems like we were constantly reminding her to sit like the young lady she is. Her response?

"I'm not a lady! I'm a half tomboy."

At the end of our visit with Grammy and Grampy, when just we 3 and Grammy and Grampy were left, this whole subject exploded into a full-out discussion where the following points were discussed:

* Grammy used to be a tomboy.

* Arguments from Sweetie that "this" half of her (the right half, for instance) was a tomboy (and therefore 'allowed' to be messy) and the other half of her was girl.

* Just because you don't like certain things that girly girls typically like, and you do like certain things that boys typically like, doesn't mean you are or aren't a girly girl or a tomboy.

* What's wrong with being a girl anyway? Girls can do anything!

* No matter what you say about yourself, you still have to be decent and present yourself appropriately.

* Why does it matter so much to Sweetie to define herself as a tomboy anyway?

Afterwards... I don't know. At least she sat up. I think. It was a long day, and it was time for us to move on to the next Turkey Day Celebration.

On the way over to my parents', well... I'm sorry, but I couldn't let it go. I had to ask - "Why do you think it's so important to define who you are, Sweetie? For a DI kid, I sure am surprised you don't know by now that you are so much more than "just" a tomboy who happens to like some girlie things as well." (thus the "half tomboy" label) "What are some other things you could say about you?"

"I'm a girl who likes to play Legos who has Lyme Disease."

"Ooookaaayyy." (Daddy chimes in) "Yes, that's true. But that doesn't define who you are! You are creative and smart and fun and funny and crafty and in DI and..."

"Most ladies love to shop. But I hate shopping! Most women, you could say, love chocolate. I could take it or leave it. Most ladies loooovvvve shoes. I don't care at all about shoes! But I wouldn't say I'm a tomboy either. I'm me, and that's great! Celebrate who you are, Sweetie! Don't limit yourself with labels and definitions. Be YOU! Be Sweetie!"

--------------------------

In prepping for writing this post, I Googled quotes on defining oneself and being true to yourself. And I was surprised to see just as many quotes advising people TO define themselves as opposed to NOT defining/labeling themselves. And I suppose I see "the definers" point as well. Many of these quotable people were suggesting that one should define himself rather than be defined by society or what others think. When put like that - yes, agreed.

I also read that to give the advice "Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to some people. I agree, it is rather half-hearted and vague advice. Just thinking back to high school yearbook signing... harkens of "never change" and "stay you." I mean, what did we mean by this? Nothing. It was just something to write that "sounded good." I think better advice might be to be the best version of yourself you can be. That way you are always reaching, always striving, always allowing for change and growth. Whereas to "be yourself," in its own way, is somewhat limiting and doesn't necessarily require you to grow into yourself - you're already there.

So, no, Sweetie. Daddy and I are not telling you to "be yourself." But we are challenging you to discover, appreciate and love being YOU! YOU are still growing, learning, experimenting, dreaming, creating. YOU are still working on your self, as all kids are. As all people should be, no matter their age. Your self is an ever-changing being, lead by your passions and interests, environment and beliefs, and more. Your self is someone YOU can and should always be working on to master...without ever actually mastering, as no human is ever perfect. YOU are full of knowledge and challenges, light and dark, creativity and questions, and so on. You be YOU! And don't let your self or anyone else ever tell you you can't be!

"Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!" - Dr. Seuss

They Probably Were Just Shocked Silent by my Awesome Costume

After my last post of complete nonsense (puhleese! Who gives a flying fig about our TV viewing habits anyway), I thought today I'd try something a little more heady.

As in, it's all in my head. I know...

So the other day Sweetie and I were around a group of people that I'm around a lot and she's never been. Granted, I do not really claim to know these people, as we don't really talk to each other much. But, let's just say, any of these people would almost certainly recognize me in a different setting, and I them.

And it's not that I don't want to talk to them. It's just, shall we say, rather cliquey there and I'm pretty much one of the outsiders. If spoken to, I'm friendly, of course. Just, all in all, they and I don't have a ton in common, which is okay.

At any rate, I had to bring Sweetie with me to this place because of scheduling issues and lack of childcare. Fine. But I was thinking, in the back of my mind, that maybe Sweetie's presence would actually be a bit of an icebreaker. That, and the fact that I - the quiet one - was dressed up like a big yellow spelling bee!

I have nothing against this group of people and would be happy to get to know them. I'm just not a good instigator of conversation when they are clearly paired up in teams of existing friends. I thought, perhaps, this would get something started.

Certainly someone would at the very least say hi to Sweetie. Ask her her name? Maybe tell me they liked my costume? Possibly ask me what I was if they didn't quite get it? (what's not to get?) Wouldn't you think? Well, I thought, anyway.

Annnnddd... the answer is "no." They would not. Nothing. Yes, I got some people to look at me, presumably to see what my costume was (as some of them were dressed up too.) But I got no comments, at all - good, bad or indifferent. And no one breathed one breath of a word to Sweetie. At all. I think I saw some people look at her, then me, and therefore, I guess, figure out for themselves that she was my daughter. But no one said a word. (Full discloser - I will say there were a couple people I approached for other reasons, thus engaging them in brief dialogues, and of course they both acknowledged and liked my costume and were happy to meet Sweetie. But all the many others? Eh. Not so much. Couldn't have cared less, in fact.)

All this set up to say... this situation made me think. What if some of these people were surprised to see that I had a daughter? What if they were even shocked that I - the one who clearly has some sort of physical disability - not only have what appears to be a healthy, "normal" daughter but was able to have her in the first place? What if some of them were even disgusted that I would selfishly go through with a pregnancy, thus putting my unborn child at risk of having the same disability I have - whatever it is - or possibly even worse?! What if?

Not to say that ANY of these people were, in fact, thinking this AT ALL! I am not saying that they were. I have no idea what they were thinking about she and I, if anything. In fact, far be it from me to even presume these particular people, or any one member of the group therein, was even giving me and/or Sweetie any amount of head space at all. It's just that, I got into my own head space about the situation and got on this bender of "what ifs."

Thankfully, I have never personally come across anyone - that I'm aware of - who has been anything but happy to meet me and Sweetie. I have to say not one person ever has acted cruelly toward me or her because they were on their high horse of "disabled people should not have children." Everywhere we go, people are nothing but polite to us. "Normal," even, which is the way it should be. Perhaps, if anything, I may have met a person here or there who is happily surprised for me that I went through a pregnancy and now have this amazing, physically able, bright and creative daughter. But no one, to my face anyway, has ever been the exact opposite of that.

But - I realize that there are, in fact, people out there with this sad viewpoint. And this situation she and I were in the other night brought it forefront to my mind. What would I do if I ever did meet someone who was vehemently against disabled people - and maybe, more specifically, disabled women - having children. What would I say? How would I react?

First of all - I honestly don't know what I'd do. I think my gut reaction would be shock that I was meeting someone like this who had the nerve to get in my face about it. Then I would probably get in their face a bit with a comeback pointing out how obviously fine, even GREAT, Sweetie turned out - "isn't she lucky?" And then... well, I don't really think I'd waste much breath on this person who I really don't need to explain myself to at all. But, I do know for myself and Hubby that we actually thought a great deal about the possibility of my carrying a disabled child while pregnant and what did we think about that? I'll tell you what we thought about that!

We thought, what better parents for a disabled child to be born to than a set where one of the parents actually lives a, shall we say, "compromised" life?! I know first hand what it feels like to grow up as a disabled person in a family of able-bodied people. I know first hand what it feels like to be encouraged to do and try and live the best life I can, despite any physical limitations I may have. I wanted to roller skate? My parents let me try. I wanted to ski? My parents let me try. I wanted to wear certain kinds of shoes because they were fashionable, but not easily able to fit around my leg braces? My parents bought me a pair and let me see for myself if I could successfully wear them or not. My big brothers teased me and took care of me, just like any other siblings treat their younger sisters. In a nut shell, I did not grow up feeling "different," only loved. And I knew that, if Hubby and I were lucky enough to be blessed with a disabled child ourselves, that we would be excellent at it! We would be the perfect fit!

But, luckily, we ended up with Sweetie. Physically able, mentally strong, totally GREAT Sweetie. Yes, we are lucky parents indeed.

Just like we would have been lucky to raise a less "fortunate" child.

So many couples who want children are, for whatever reason, unable to successfully establish or complete a pregnancy. But we did. No matter the outcome, we would have been one of the lucky ones.

And so, might I say, would the child be lucky to have us. Sweetie is lucky to have us. She was meant for us. We are the perfect fit.

I am so happy I have never run into anyone whom I've felt I've had to explain my reasons for having a child to because I knowingly put my unborn child at such great risk. Maybe one or more of the people she and I were around the other night were thinking just this. Or maybe not! It really doesn't matter at all. They just got me thinking, that's all.

Yes - I put my unborn child at risk... of being loved too much, no matter what, and having the best parents and family around.

However could I have done such a thing?

Decision 2012: Choice Programming

About a month ago, chez Sweetie & Me made a bold move - we cancelled our cable! Mind you, we only had the very really basic cable anyway, but still. No more. Nothing. Gone.

Like I said, this was a bold move, and a big family decision.

Our reason for doing this was two-fold. We wanted to save money and cut out excessive TV watching. We, who always seem to have the TV on, if for no other reason than for background noise. Why did we need the TV on all the time? We didn't, plain and simple. There are much better things to do. Cutting our cable ties would be a great thing.

Of course, we didn't want to go too crazy and drop all TV watching completely! We still wanted access to shows we liked. This way we could watch what we wanted, when we wanted, and not live our lives according to the TV schedule.

After much debating and free trial periods, we settled on Hulu Plus. For a minimal monthly fee, it gives us day-after access to almost all the shows we love and wish to continue watching. We've had it for the month now and it really is perfect for us!

One thing it doesn't have is most, if not all, CBS shows. No more "murder shows," as Hubby and I call them. No more CSI, The Mentalist and - the new, promising-looking one that we never even got to see before the cable went bye-bye - Elementary. Ah, but no fear... if we really want to see those, we can get them at cbs.com. It just may take a week or so before they're available. That's fine.

Now, as I was saying, we were such a TV watching household! The TV was on more than it was off. Reality shows in particular were great! The Voice, American Idol, Dancing With the Stars, So You Think You Can Dance. I loved 'em all! And when they were on, we all enjoyed seeing the performances or listening to the auditions.

Okay, okay. Maybe not all of us. Certainly Hubby wouldn't choose on his own to watch any of those. But if I had them on, no one complained. Yes, I chose the shows... and, in fact, I was the person who mindlessly watched TV much more than Sweetie or Hubby ever did. But when it was on in the evenings, even my choice of show, we all at least seemed to enjoy watching the various "reality" competitions. How was I going to live without all this?!

Never fear! Turns out that without cable and with Hulu Plus, I still have access to several of these reality shows. Dancing With the Stars, for instance. Every Tuesday morning before work, I have enough time to tune in to what took place the night before. And so, that first Tuesday morning, there I was, home alone, clicking into Hulu to queue up some Dancing! And with Sweetie and Hubby not there - they who never did really care - I was free to indulge my "junk" watching as much as I liked.

Aaaannnnddd... eh. Whatever.

That first time, yeah, I think I kept the episode on. But I was doing other things, not really watching. I think it even took me a couple days to get through the whole thing. But the next week? I tried again. Nope. It wasn't working for me. I turned it off way before finishing. I've tried once more, but that third time didn't even last 5 minutes and has been the charm to tell me, no. Amy, you really, really don't need to watch this stupid stuff. Let it go. Just let it go.

And the other reality stuff that I so faithfully watched before? The Voice, for instance. I've never even tried to watch it with Hulu. Even So You Think You Can Dance - I LOVE that show! And watched the whole season faithfully when we had cable. Only the finale was left when our cable went bye bye. And, lucky me!, Hulu has access to that finale, no problem. I put it in our queue... I still haven't watched it. Don't really care, it turns out. I happened to find out who won anyway. So no need to watch the whole program, right? Right.

Huh. Turns out we really were watching just for the sake of watching. Turns out all these contestants we thought we cared about and whom we were really rooting for, we really didn't care about at all. Or I didn't care about. Yes, me. Hubby and Ella didn't care. I cared. But, obviously, it turns out, I didn't.

Not to say there's not any "junk" I've taken a renewed interest in through Hulu. I'm back to catching up with Project Runway - a show we haven't had access to for at least a couple years now. And my real secret love that no one else in the house wants to watch - America's Next Top Model. But, lucky me, I have time everyday when I can indulge in these types of shows without bothering anyone.

And so, has canceling cable and introducing Hulu done anything to accomplish what we originally intended? Well, on the outside, maybe not. Canceling cable brought our internet cost up, and then there's the cost of Hulu. So we're only saving a few dollars there each month, not the bigger chunk of change we were at first envisioning. And the TV watching... yeah, it's still there. I'd say, in fact, that we still actively watch just as much as we ever did.

But that inactive watching... that having the TV on just for the sake of having the TV on stuff... the white noise effect of just having the TV on... That is gone for sure. Now, we really only do have the TV on when we purposefully wish to sit down and watch something. We watch with intention now. We make family decisions. We watch for a reason.

Sure, the reason may be silly every now and then. Obviously we're not watching only the most educational and informative shows of them all. But we do do that as well. Nova Science Now, for instance, is a great family favorite! And Sweetie loves to watch BizKids, a show that teaches kids about the importances of money and responsible spending/saving. And I've got several documentaries lined up to watch in our queue over at our Netflix instant streaming account.

Bottom line is, what we watch now we are choosing to watch, for whatever reason that is.

All in all, it's a very good thing.

Now, as someone who grew up with the TV always on as "company" - if only I could get used to the deafening silence when the TV is now off.

Alone with my thoughts. It's a dangerous thing.

Tales of a Fourth Grade Something

So, here we are. A month into the new school year.

Fourth grade! Arguably the best of the school years, as both Hubby and I remember it. The year that solidly starts you off on remembering everything from here on out. You know what I mean? As an adult, I can remember, spottily, various events, adventures and randomness that took place prior to my 4th grade year. But I can pretty well remember life as I know it moving forward from 4th grade up to present. Hubby agrees. Fourth grade is where it's at and from whence it all began.

As for our particular fourth grader in question, Sweetie is loving every minute of it. She was excited to go back to school and sorely disappointed when, just 3 days into it, she was told there's no school on Labor Day Monday. "What do you mean, there's no school?!" Oh, did she want to go so badly. To have a day "taken" from her so soon was heartbreaking.

The day before school started, she and I went to the Open House to visit her new classroom and teacher. As she found her name placed at one of the places in the clusters of desks, she wondered aloud who the kid sitting next to her was. It was a new name. A new kid! She was intrigued to find out the next day what the face of this new name would look like.

After school that first day, of course I had to ask. "So, is A____ nice?" Yes, he was nice and funny. A big hit! Then, upon some further reflection, she proudly declared that "I think I made a new friend today." Why? Because "We turned things into chocolate and then ate them." Okaaayyy. So that's how it rolls in 4th grade. Sounds good to me.

After about a week or so into school, Sweetie came home with an Origami Yoda. Cool! Did you make that? No, A____ made it for me.

Ah, yes. Friendship. True, unadulterated friendship is what, here, have we.

Sweetie has always been her own person. In years past either playing on her own at recesses or joining in on whatever game looks good to her, not caring which particular kids are involved. But this year, now that she has the same recess as the 5th grade, she's almost always playing with her 5th grade friend from the Boys & Girls Club. And A____ as well on occasion.

And her supposed BFF of 5 years running? I can honestly say that I have never heard Sweetie say she's played with her at all. That right there is strictly an "in name only" relationship. Sure, they like each other, have fun when they are together, and invite each other to birthday parties and other special gatherings. But beyond that, yeah, not so much. Weird, but true.

And yet, Sweetie told me somewhat recently that she thinks, if she had to choose, she'd say she's probably one of the more popular kids at school. Oh yeah? Why do you say that? "Because no one is mean to me or doesn't seem to like me." Oh. Cool. You are a very likable kid, I can vouch for that.

So, yeah. I've heard Sweetie's tales of her solo-playing recesses. Even though she hasn't seemed adversely affected by it, I've felt bad for my poor daughter who no one wants to play with. Or maybe she's not outgoing enough to ask kids to play with her. Either way, what a pity that she spends her free play time roaming around on her own, making up elaborate games and skits in her head that no one will help her see to reality.

I remember my own childhood and know I absolutely had a true and honest best friend from the start of first grade. We played together always, slept over at each other's houses, and even talked for hours on the phone at our young age. Hubby too had a definable "best friend" in his early elementary school days. So why hasn't Sweetie solidified that kind of relationship for herself yet? And not just in name only? Obviously she's socially inept and a loner, right?

No. Definitely, not. She's not a loner. She just choses to play a particular way. If others want to join in, great. But, more likely (until this year), others will not. But that's okay with Sweetie. After all, she's the only one who can see the full vision in her imagination of how her elaborate ideas would come to pass, anyway. Obviously, she's not bothered by this. In fact, she has preferred this solo playing simply because she alone knows what she wants out of it.

But have the kids ever picked on her? No! Sweetie is a rockstar! An edgy kind of kid with a confident, quirky attitude and an unusual way of playing. She knows she's having fun, other kids or not! - and she's always "great." You don't pick on that! If anything, Sweetie is someone to be admired or even, dare I say, envied.

And now? She finally has recess with her good friend in 5th grade. A kid who totally "gets" her. A kid who can see into her elaborate imagination just as vividly as she can, add to it, and help bring an even more amazing scenario into the world. And the new kid, A____, well seems to be a kindred spirit as well.

I've written about this before, but she continues to amaze me every year.

One thing's for sure. Either alone or banded together with the few like-minded cohorts who enter her world, Sweetie sure is something!

I'll Take "'80's to the Rescue" for $1000, Alex

Answer: These two 1980's icons have teamed up to both entertain and improve the speech patterns of one 9 and a half year old Miss Sweetie.

Question: What is the Sony Walkman and Bill Cosby?

Correct!

Last week we gifted Sweetie with Hubby's old Sony Walkman, along with his large collection of Bill Cosby comedy tapes. Happy back-to-school-and-congratulations-on-being-cast-in-"Oliver!" present! (Sweetie recently tried out and was cast as an orphan in a local production of "Oliver!" We are all very excited.) 

But we have an ulterior motive, as well. 

So far Sweetie has enjoyed listening to 1 whole tape all the way through and has listened and laughed happily. Hubby and I are hoping that, with the help of Mr. Cosby's superb story-telling examples, our Sweetie's own story-telling capabilities will improve.

Now don't get me wrong. Sweetie's speaking issues are pretty mild. It's just that, by listening to other kids about her age speak as well, we can hear that Sweetie just has a bit of trouble finding the right words and telling a cohesive story a lot of the time.

She's not stuttering. But she will start her sentence, realize that (in her mind) she's forgotten (to her) a key word, and will start her whole sentence over from the start so the word can be included. And this may take a few attempts before she's satisfied she's correctly said whatever it is as she intended and she moves on to her next thought. Where the same issue may or may not present itself. Either this, or she stops, searches for the word she's wanting to use, but can't find it and gets frustrated and gives up in tears, saying she doesn't know how to say whatever it is she's trying to say. She is also likely to get lost in her own head when, for example, relaying to us what her dream was last night. I admit, it was near agony for me to listen to her tell me a (what should have been) simple portion of said dream the other day - which should have taken all of 1-2 minutes - over the course of a 10 minute car ride. And she still hadn't finished! Because she kept stopping in her narrative, wherein I'd have to ask if that was all. "No, there's more," she'd say, "I just was remembering how funny it was for a minute." And then she'd go on. With stops and starts along the way.

Will child protection services people come get me if I admit that the sound of my own daughter's voice can sometimes drive me crazy? Arrrrgghhh!

We try to let her work out her stories on her own. We try not to "fill in the blanks" for her as she tells a story so the narrative can keep moving forward. We know her mind is racing faster than her mouth can get the words out. We know she has a lot to say (Lord, does she have a lot to say!).  But it can be difficult to both watch her struggle and listen to her try to, slowly, find her way sometimes.

Yes, it could be just a "thing" that lots of kids go through. Even most kids! And it's not like I expect her to be a fabulous orator, either. But, like I said, it seems to me that most kids around Sweetie's age by this point are pretty well able to tell a smooth, flowing story when they speak on anything from in-class discussions to at-home silliness and everything in between. A late bloomer? Yes, I think so.

As for Sweetie's vocabulary - well! She has always done well there, regularly choosing words you'd most likely not hear the typical same-aged child using. She can be a regular little grown up, in fact, in her contributions to our family discussions and the words she easily chooses to express her opinions. She's a great speller and is more than a couple grade levels ahead of where she "should" be in reading and spelling. So we know she has the words to use - she just has difficulty in getting even the most simple words out sometimes.

I have to say, I'm pretty sure I know where Sweetie "gets" it from. I often find myself searching for words, and/or accidentally using the (completely) wrong word many times when I'm trying to verbally express something. It's so frustrating for me as the one making the "mistakes." I know Sweetie feels at least a bit of frustration, maybe even shame, for what she's dealing with as well. One day, completely out of the blue (but after a little "issue" as she was trying to tell me something), and letting her know that I was absolutely not picking on her - I just was curious to know why it was she always stopped and started many of her sentences over again when she missed only 1 word in what she's trying to say. She instantly had tears in her eyes when she answered, "I don't know. I just see that I'm making a mistake and I want to say it right, so I start over." So, yeah. She knows she does this. Like mother like daughter. Frustrating all around. 

And so, yes... we have turned to Mr. Cosby and his fantastic comedic story telling skills. Wondering if/hoping that Sweetie will take a cue from him and "naturally" improve her speaking patterns. We hunted down Hubby's old Walkman so she'd have something portable and private she could use to listen to these ancient relics called "tapes." And look forward to seeing her enjoy herself along the way.

If nothing else, there is that. Bill Cosby is funny, funny dude. At the very least, she'll get a few laughs out of all this. Ain't nothin' wrong with that.