I Am...

 (Inspired by In and Of Itself, now available on Hulu.) 

... still here.

...still in pain. 

...frustrated.

...angry.

...worried.

...anxious.

...depressed.

...defeated.

..,upset.

(My trial for my nerve stimulator that was supposed to happen in November, but was postponed until January due to Covid, was postponed again because my doctor had to go in for surgery himself. Oh, and insurance denied me anyway. New insurance now, but other patients in line got to sneak ahead of me during the transfer time. Now I’m looking at a procedure date in mid April. Not that they can even schedule it until a month out. But, still, I’m in line for April. Here’s hopin’...)

...bored.

...tired.

...sore.

...quiet.

...useless.

...sad.

...dubious.

...second-guessing.

...over-thinking

(Will my new insurance cover the procedure? What if they don’t? Why did the old insurance deny me? Why hasn’t my related appointment from last July processed through the insurance at all, one way or the other? Does it even matter, since I don’t have that insurance anymore? What if I DO need another psych eval to make the new insurance approve it, but no one is thinking right now that this is the case? Is not moving very much good for me because it at least helps me stay out of more pain? Or is my lack of movement just making everything worse and more painful in the long run? What do I need to do to put me in the best situation possible, given my situation at hand?)

...needing to be left alone.

...needing some assistance.

...craving independence.

...accepting my limits.

...wanting social time with people I love and whom I find interesting.

...not wanting to always be the one who makes the plans for togetherness.

...concerned that if I don’t make something happen myself, nobody will.

...a worrier.

...trying to remember I am a good, fun person people enjoy being around. 

(If I had to pick one word tag off the wall of over 600 tags in the lobby of the Broadway show, In and Of Itself, I would assume the option would be there that said “I Am a Unifier.” Or, “I Am a Gatherer.” Something like that. And that is what I would choose for myself. I am the one who created the book club I was a part of for many years and which now continues without me {my choice - just not into it anymore.} I wanted a group of like-minded moms to come together for a safe place to discuss the trials and tribulations of parenting neuro-diverse kids and so I put that group together. I thought it would be fun to have a monthly game night with friends and arranged for that to happen too. But I am also the person who decided to “test” her friendship with her high school best friend and, at some point during that first year of college, stopped calling her to see if she’d ever be the one to call me instead. And she didn’t. So I am leery. Careful. A bit of a control freak. I bring together those I want to be with and make sure it happens regularly. I am a worrier who, on some level, feels that if I don’t work at keeping friendships going, that they will just fall away.) 

...a wife.

...a daughter.

...a sister.

...an aunt.

...a mother.

...a writer.

...a woman.

...a problem solver.

...myself. 

(I took Sweetie to a local Fall Festival 2 or 3 years ago. She was volunteering there and I was just hanging out enjoying the beautiful day. While there I ran into an old acquaintance and we chatted a bit, she wanting to know what I did for work. Now, what I did for work then is the same as now - I call people who are past due on their medical bills to try to help them resolve them with either payment plans or financial aid. It’s by no means a glamorous job, but I really enjoy it, as well as the people I work with. Still, whenever I’m asked this question- what do you do? - I don’t exactly feel super proud of what I’ve made of myself and the “career” I find myself in. Some of my coworkers are teenagers! I talk to a fair amount of deadbeats who just don’t care. Some angry people. It’s nothing amazing by any means. BUT - I told this person what I did and she said, in a rather impressed way, “So, you’re a problem solver!” Huh. Yes. Yes, I am. I help people solve problems. I like it.) 

...relaxed.

...calm.

...introverted.

...awkward.

...friendly.

...easily over-stimulated.

...prone to snapping.

...a self-preservationist.

...the most pleasant person in New England.

(Yes. All of that. I am a quiet person who often does not know how to engage in small talk or contribute intelligently to conversations. I do not like large, loud groups of people and can not take being a part of such crowds for long stretches of time. But I know when and how to get myself out of these circumstances if I am at all able to. I take care of what I need to do for my own sanity. Self care, man. I’m not trying to be rude. I’m trying not to go crazy. And, yes, an older gentleman coworker of mine many years ago did, in fact, once tell me that I was the most pleasant person in New England.)

...amazing.

...an inspiration. 

...so strong.

...gold.

...incredible.

...stubborn. 

...a beautiful soul.

...beautiful.

...a martyr.

(I have Spina Bifida. I have done things people would have never believed I could have done. I have done things maybe I shouldn’t have done. I do things in ways that work for me, that are not exactly easy ways to get things done. But I get things done. I don’t want help for things I know I could or should be able to get done on my own. I know I’m in pain. I know my way will take longer or not be so “pretty.” But there’s a method to my madness. Let me be. I promise I’ll ask for help if I feel I need it or find that, yeah, my way isn’t working so great after all. I’m getting better at asking for that help. I don’t do things on my own because I want to show what an inspiration I am or how strong I am. I don’t feel I’m those things at all. But others have told me I am, time and time again. Whatever. I’m doing things because they need to get done and I feel I can do the things. If I can’t, I can’t. If my body hurts too much and I just don’t want to, I’ll ask for help. Change is hard. But I know I’m changing and need to slow down. I’ll slow down. But in the meantime, let me be and do - at least try to do - what I think I can do.)

...able.

...disabled.

...capable.

...handicapped.

...smart.

...thoughtful.

...funny.

...willing.

...ready.

(I know “disabled” is the more PC term. I know people-first language matters. But I personally don’t care. I prefer “handicapped” actually because I think it’s more accurate. Disabled to me sounds like I’m not able to do something. Whereas handicapped sounds to me like I can do a thing, I just might do it a little differently or need a bit of help doing it, either by person, machine or equipment. I’m up for trying most things. At least, I was more willing in my less-pained days. But my mind works just fine. I have a sense of humor about things. I can recognize my limits and take heed. But don’t count me out on anything. I’d like to give it a shot, whatever it is. Probably.) 

...multi-faceted. 

...a lot.

...trying.

...a reader.

...a writer.

...a puzzler.

...curious.

...one who appreciates the arts.

...Amy.

I am so many things. On any given day you can find me in a great mood, a blah mood, or a bad mood. Either all day long or changing back and forth multiple times throughout the day. Just like all of us. Who am I? Who are you? To everyone else, sure. But also to yourself. Just who are you and whom do you want the world to see in you? Think about it. Be deliberate. Make a choice. How you see yourself may very well not be how others see you. But is that okay? Does your own self image have to match how others see you? Think about it. I don’t know the answer. I think we can actually learn a lot about ourselves by learning how others perceive us. But it’s not everything. It’s not necessarily the whole truth. Figure out how you want to be seen. That’s a good start. Figure it out and get to actually being that person. But don’t be afraid to change. To falter. To be someone else from time to time. Like I said, we are all multifaceted, multidimensional. And that’s not only okay, that’s great! Just be aware that others most likely see you much differently than you see yourself. Be yourself. Be better than who you think you are. Be everything. And most importantly, be...

...still here.