The Same Thing We Do Every Day, Pinky...

 ... Try to take over the couch.

Because it hurts too much to walk.

Anywhere.

If a family member can get me the thing I want, I'm going to have them get me the thing I want.

Sweetie is my best helper and the one I turn to the most.  I'm her Mom, teaching her good lessons on being helpful. Yeah. It's important she help me.

She and Hubby help me a lot. Others are willing to help, but it's them I turn to the most.

My parents? They are always willing to help me. But I prefer not to be asked if I need help. I'll let you know. This is what I prefer.

In fact, this is appreciated all around, from whomever. 

I know what I feel I can do. Even if I do it in a different way from anyone else, it's something I'm up for doing and will go ahead and do it.

And I know what doesn't feel right to do. If I need help, I will ask. And I've got 4 other family members in the house who are happy to do the helping.

I'll ask, I promise. I have asked! They all know this. I'm proud, but not too proud to know when I need others to step in with some assistance.

Anyway, that's really not the point here. I'm here to write about your enemy and mine! You all know him! You all hate him! He's the one... the only...

Pain!!!! (boos, hisses and general sounds of distain commence all around.) 

And I have a lot going for me that causes me great pain.

1) I have a disc in my spine that is slipped, but inward towards my spinal cord.

2) I have another bulging disc.

3) I have a tethered spinal cord.

4) & 5) I have both arthritis and bursitis in my hips. 

Yep - I got a lot of pain. 

But ya know? Pain is funny. Not funny, "ha ha." But funny, "ow, ow." Or something like that.

It's funny because we all, each and every one of us, have had experience with pain in our lives. And there are lots of different kinds of pain, running the gamut from heartache and sadness to sharp, tear-inducing physical pain that drops one to their knees in a heap of sensory overload. 

But none of us, absolutely none, can know how another person experiences pain.

Pain. Its a very singular, lonely experience.

Reminds me of the song Quiet from the Broadway musical Matilda. 

Have you every wondered, well I have.

About how when I say, say red, for example.

There's no way of knowing if red

Means the same thing in your head

As red means in my head, when someone says red.

We can't know if we all see things, visually, the same way as each other. And we can't know how we each experience any of the other senses either. Not smell, touch, taste, sight or anything.

And what feels great to one person may feel awful to another. That's the wonderful thing about us humans. We're each our own person, we like and don't like different things, and we all try to get along and understand each other as best we can, in spite of it.

Or at least that's the idea. Some are not as good at the "understanding in spite of it" thing as others are. But I digress...

Anyway... Pain. No one else but you can feel or truly understand your own pain.

But people - doctors, namely, sure do try. And I don't like that game either. I really don't like it at all.

"How bad, on a scale of 1 - 10, is your pain? 1 being hardly at all, 10 being the worst pain ever."

I can't do it people. I just can't. 10, for example, just is never an option because no matter how badly I hurt, I'm still coping as best as I can, getting through my day as best I can, and I can imagine that, yeah, the pain may get worse. And when it does, I'll continue to cope. 

Or, how about this one, "describe your pain." Uh... Well. It's... ah..." I guess with this one I start by explaining what my pain is not. It's not a sharp pain. It's more like a sore muscle pain. It's a tightness. It's constant, but sometimes much worse and sometimes not really all that noticeable. Depends on what I'm doing.

But then I get to thinking. Okay. What exactly am I feeling here, folks? Yeah. It is a tightness! I cannot move and stretch with ease because there's too much tightness. Okay. If I think of it as a tightness and not exactly pain, it's more manageable.

Sometimes I think of my pain as heat. Okay. It's just a sort of heat I'm experiencing. That's okay. I can deal with that. 

I do legitimately have sciatic pain that runs down behind my right knee almost all the time. Sometimes that's definitely a pretty quick, sharp pain. And when it's not being that, it's just a dull, constant, low-number-on-that-dumb-pain-scale ache thing. 

And, you know?, behind the left knee too. But I think the right knee is more constant. In fact, I can feel it right now. Behind the right knee - a steady ache.

Huh. It's there too behind the left knee.

Depending on what seat I'm sitting in, it's better or worse. Never gone. This chair at the computer is not so great.

Doctors have asked me if the pain goes all the way down to my feel. Well, that's a funny question...

No. It doesn't. But I figure that's because I can't feel below my knees. If I could feel, though, I definitely think I would have pain all the way down to my feet.

In fact, I do have a sensation of.... something... in my lower legs. A not pleasant sensation. This pain, perhaps, that I would feel, if I had the ability to truly feel it. 

So, yeah. If I think about my pain differently, I can convince myself that it's not so bad. It's a heat. It's an ache. It's a tightness. It's a constant annoying presence. But I'll get by.

I think that's why I hate the number game so much. I do try to think of my pain in different ways and I do manage through my days as best I can. If the pain gets worse, I just adjust my thinking and I'll get by.

Probably what's worse, though, is all the pains together. Happening at the same time. I do experience that and it’s awful.

The lower back. An achy tightness. The sciatic pain. A constant ache with occasional sharp intervals of a... heat-like pain, maybe? And when I say "heat" I don't literally mean a rise in temperature. It's just my way of trying to explain. Trying to cope. 

Anyway... The back and the legs together. Which is often experienced. Is... no bueno. 

I am on a path towards helping to get this resolved, though, through a nerve stimulator. But they haven't called to schedule me yet. Still waiting. This whole idea is a post topic for another day. Not something I want to get into today.

And I do wear a (store bought, generic) back brace regularly. Every day to work. But I tend to take it off as soon as I get home. It’s too hot in the summer.

And I see a chiropractor twice a week. She wants me to wear the back brace all the time. Even when sleeping. She thinks I do do this, actually. I did for a bit. But, again, it’s summer now and way too hot for that. But I do wear it to work. 

I take over-the-counter pain meds occasionally. Not often. But when the pain is worse than usual. 

So I do have my ways of managing the pain. I’m not just sitting here being miserable with no attempt to fix it. 

Today. Today is Saturday. A Saturday like any other Saturday. Or Sunday. Or evening. Or early morning before work. 

Today (once I'm done typing this, that is. Yay! A change up from the norm!) I sit on the couch. Get up to pee. Get up to get some very easy-to-gather-and/or-prepare food. Have some wine later. And I just try not to be in too much pain.

I sit on the couch in particular way. With my feet up on the coffee table. This feels better on my back than with my feet on the floor. But when I get up from the couch, the fronts of my legs hurt from having been in this position. But, again, if I don’t do it, my back continues to hurt too much while I sit there, 

It’s a no win situation, really. But I try to make the decision that cultivates the least harm. 

I often don’t know how successful I am at that. But I try.  

Hubby is gone today for much of the day. During the week, he works second shift. On weekends he grocery shops, because I can't. Granted, he's also the family chef, and always has been (me with pain, or not), so he knows what to shop for anyway. Otherwise, if he's home, he's often in his basement woodworking workshop, "making sawdust", as he says. 

He's not around much, is what I'm saying.

Except weekend evenings, we three have our time together then, watching a movie or catching up on shows, playing a game. Something. It's nice.

But I do miss having more family time together. I would love to go out on an adventure some weekend with Sweetie and Hubby! We, historically, love weekend adventures! I suppose we still do. Yeah! We still do!

But... We've got things going against us, man. 

This Coronavirus for one thing. Not even going to get into this one. Maybe sometime. Not now. Look it up if you don't know. But... you know. We can't safely go anywhere. 

Love to go to the museum! Museums are either not open or they're just not feeling like a safe place to be these days. 

Love to take day trips! Yeah, but what about stopping to pee? We could take food with us... but we can't really go to any destination without fear of intermingling with others at some point or another.

Oh! We could go for an easy hike in the woods! Geocaching! Yeah! That's Hubby's thing! And Sweetie enjoys it too! I enjoy the family time together, the peace and calm of nature. And... oh. Not the walking. Once upon a time, just a few years ago or so, I could at least manage a walk decently. Support from Hubby. Walking poles as support. Regular sit-down breaks. Yeah, I managed simple walks just fine.

But now? Uh uh. No way, no how. 

Which, you know. It's totally understandable. No one is expecting me to go hike in the woods with them at this point.

But I'm thinking... like, I can't do anything that requires any amount of walking. I have to psych myself up just to go to CVS or Rite Aid for the one or 2 products I need, for goodness sake. What if it's a long check out line? I can't stand there waiting for more than a few minutes. And I'm definitely not going to any larger grocery store. I wouldn't even be able to get half way through the produce section before crying (literally) "uncle!" Thank goodness Target has that little ride-on electronic cart thingy. That thimy is a life saver for me! Love it! (Not that going to Target is anything we are likely to do much of these days. Thanks, Corona.)

So, you know... going any actual place is not really happening.

And just being a passenger in the car as Hubby drives around - even to beautiful, semi-far-off, new-adventury type places, it's just so... tiring. We did this early this summer. it was exhausting. We came home and passed out. Him in his Laz-y-Boy, I on the...

...you guessed it.

Couch. 

So what do we do? As people who really, really want to get out and do something, but really really can't for not just one (globally pandemic-y) reason, but 2? Or more? It's just... Exhausting.

Like this pain. I manage it and deal with it most of the time pretty well. I am not a complainer, so I'm not bothering others with any constant info about how I'm feeeeeeelllling.... I'm trying to be a good mom, a good wife, a good family member. And it's all just...

Exhausting. Bringing me to tears from time to time, exhausting. The pain - the constant pain, the fitfulness, the social and political climate of the world... of the US in particular... the not being one to complain because, really, what good does that do anyway. it's just...

Exhausting.

So.

That's it. It's lunch time now, as I write this. I'll get up from the computer (Thank goodness! This chair does not feel great on my back and legs) and find me some food. Then I'll go back to my couch. Work on some crosswords. Wait for Sweetie to finish her shower (that will take awhile, I promise you) and then she and I will watch something fun. Maybe. That will be fun. Maybe.

Eventually Hubby will come home. I've asked to have turkey burgers and corn on the cob tonight. So, hopefully he stops at the store on his way home for those items. 

We'll have a nice night together. I think we may watch Hamilton again. For the 5th time. Yeah, we really love it. :)

And then - sleep. 

And then...

What will we do tomorrow, Brain?

The same thing we do every day, Pinky. 

Try to take over the couch.