Watching My Stories...

 Hello? Hi? Is this thing on? Yes?

Ahem...

Hi there. How are you? Me? I'm... okay.

My brother and sister-in-law visited last night. and my SIL asked me just that. And I answered... just that.

Okay.

Which she questioned, and I think I probably said something like. "Yeah." 

But Hubby elaborated for me and told how my back is always hurting me all the time.

And SIL asked if I ever started going back to chiropractic care.

"Yes, I go all the time. Twice a week for awhile now. Doesn't do a darn thing."

To which Hubby elaborated that, "Well, it's helping structurally. But doesn't help with the pain."

I did then mention that I'm in line to get a nerve stimulator placed.

To which my mom said she/we've/I've heard from lots of people about how much this has helped them. "In fact, just today, I was talking to..."

Oh, good, great! SIL is happy for me that I'll have some relief once this procedure is done.

Why am I telling you all this? Because... did you notice how many people it took to tell MY story? Both Hubby and Mom filled in the conversational part of this back and forth, telling what I'm going through and what MY plan for relief is.

And, in a way, I'm grateful for this. Go ahead. Speak for me. It's okay. I'm used to it. 

Another example...

Visiting my in-laws. Just the two of them, and the 3 of us. No other distractions. Just sitting and talking. Except me. Not much.

Except, hey, I do have this thing to mention. Here I go, mentioning it...

...And then Hubby does the "Oh yeah," thing, and goes forward with the story himself.

A little while later, the same exact thing. Except this time it's Sweetie taking the reins from me, galloping along with her version of my story.

Granted, this was a month or more ago and I have no clue at all what either story I was bringing up at the time was about. It very well could have been - probably was - a stories that "starred" Hubby in the first one, and Sweetie in the second one. So, sure. They may have been their stories to share. I don't know. But maybe they weren't? In any case, I presented two different stories/conversation starters and both times they were taken from me by others.

And, eh. That's okay. I guess. Go ahead. They're better conversationalists than I am.

(which is saying a lot, given Sweetie's Autism diagnosis. A diagnosis primarily known for its antisocial tendencies. And, yes, she is definitely antisocial.)

I could tell you all sorts of other examples of this. I couldn't tell you how many times, for example, my large family has been gathered and something comes up and I want to say something relevant to whatever is being said, but the back and forth banter is just so on top of each other that there's no butting in with my maybe/maybe not interesting addition to the topic. So what do I do? I end up raising my hand, like I'm in stinkin' 3rd grade, to let people know that I have something to say. So everyone stops. And waits. Waiting for me to say my certainly highly interesting and witty comment on the overall conversation. Which now, in this so-quiet-you-could-hear-a-pin-drop turn of events, seems to be anything but interesting and witty. Pretty stupid, actually. Aw, never mind. Go back to what you were saying...

I need to take a course on how to be a good conversationalist. Back and forth with one or two other people? Fine. As part of a group where we're really working together to solve an issue and hear from each other and work something out? I've got it! But just casually hanging out with others.... in a group larger than 4 or 5? They talk. I listen. Or one or the other of them "helps" me out by expanding on the story I started.

And I let them. And I don't mind.

Well, you know what? I kind of mind. 

I'm the youngest in my family. So, even though I'm now in my mid 40's, I'm still seen as the baby. Also, we 3 happen to live with my parents for now. This doesn't help me gain any headway as being seen as my own independent adult. I'm a naturally quiet person. I'm a "do gooder" too. I tend to always want to be doing what I should be doing, so that others don't think poorly of me. All this. It doesn't help. I'm a much better writer than I am a speaker. I have never learned to have a great conversation with anyone. Or, specifically, with a group of anyones. 

I need to learn.

I want to learn. I need to tell my own stories instead of watch as my stories are told. I know that's why I like writing so much. It's just me, telling my stories. No interruptions. No judgement. Just me getting to say whatever I want to or have to say, for as long as I want to say it, any way I want to say it. Absolutely freeing. 

But I also want to learn to feel this freedom of my own speech. My own voice. It's something to work on, for sure.

I spoke to Hubby and Sweetie this morning about all this. And they both had some great bits of advice for me to practice. I'm sure there's at least a few TedTalks on the subject too. 

The first step is knowing, right? I now recognize how much I let others tell my stories for me. And how easy it is for me to let them take the spotlight as I sit back, happy enough that I at least brought something up for others to chat about. "The Prince of Tides... it's neither about Princes nor Tides. Discuss." 

But that's all about to change, people! I'm on a mission to learn a new skill. Talking! Chatting! Conversating! I can do it! Woo hoo!

But first, my back pain? Mentioned at the beginning of this post? Yeah. I really can't do much of anything, physically, while in so much pain. Soooo... I feel like I've got really nothing to offer in terms of great story telling from my own life experiences. Not a lot going on for me these days.

I’m sure I could write about it though. I’ll plan to do that soon. 

And I'm getting that nerve stimulator! Sometime! Soon? Who knows?! I'm waiting for the call to schedule. 

Just you wait, though. When I'm pain free (or at least feeling less pain) I'll be back on the move and back to doing things!

Oh the places I'll go! Granted, with Hubby and Sweetie. So if/when I have a story to tell, they will have had been certainly involved in the happening as well. 

But, watch out! Yeah, I've got a story. And it's mine. All mine. And you're about to hear about it!

My way. That's right.