Monday, January 26, 2009

Mama Monday #49.1

Theme: Choice

- Hubby and I talked to a realtor. To sell our house is an option, but not one with huge (or possible any) profit. But we have to make a choice. Staying or going both have their pluses and minuses. But as far as we can tell, selling seems to have less minuses. So we've made our choice. We're selling. Putting it on the market in a month or so. It's the choice that makes the most sense to us.

- I am registered to study for and eventually take my abcte exam in Secondary English in order to gain my teaching certificate. I have some preliminary items to study even now. I have had a few chances to sit at the computer, more or less uninterrupted, to read over the material. Yet I don't yet feel like I'm getting too "into" it. It's still not real to me. And now, with this decision to move made, I feel quite overladen with all things packing/cleaning/readying - a huge undertaking, if you ask me - and not so much in the mindset to study or attempt to even go for certification right now while other life-changing things are going on. Not to mention, if I get out of the program now, I can still get my money back - meaning less debt on the credit card.

Yet I still see, at the end of a long tunnel, a positive outcome if I do gain certification sooner rather than later. Many more employment opportunities opening up to me. More pleasure in what I do for a living. What I know I have to do in order to achieve greater success - professionally and personally - in my life. Plus, I have to admit, I've seriously considered and seen the benefit of having my certification for several years now. So, despite other stressors invading my life right now, I am making the choice to stick with it. Choosing to carve out more time each week to "get with it" and study. I have to do this, I have to take this seriously, and I have to make the time to make this work. It will be very worth it in the end.

- Back in September, when we first started going to our church, I saw a notice that the current person doing the church newsletter could use some help organizing and editing it each month. Not too many hours each month, and most of the hours spent would be at the end of each month. No big deal.

The newsletter person, back then, did speak with me briefly about my interest in helping and what I'd need to do in this role. And the plan was decided that, back then, we'd get together very soon (within a couple weeks or so) to go over how things are done and what I'd need to do. Fine.

But nothing ever came of it, back then. Now, however, I received a call last week from the newsletter organizer telling me she was sorry to not get all this straightened out months ago, but that she could come over next week to show me everything. She's coming over tomorrow.

Thing is - this time around, she didn't ask me if I was still interested, she just said now was the time to finally get me on board. And last week, during this phone call that honestly took me by surprise (I rarely get calls from people I am acquainted with but who rarely, if ever, call me), I didn't have time to consider the big picture and how my helping (possibly taking over???) the creation of the newsletter would fit in - or not - with my current life situation. 

Now I'm thinking and realizing how much I have going on and how helping out in this capacity really isn't going to fit so well into my overall schedule. 

Yet it's late afternoon on the day before she comes over. And I may find out from her that it really won't add too much to my life to do this newsletter once a month. And I may find out from her that I'm not the only one who'll be working on this - that I have other people to turn to and help out (which is what the initial notice indicated, but was not my impression from last week's phone call). It all may be very manageable and no big deal at all.

But then again - if tomorrow's get-together proves to show a ton of work needed on my part... well, I just don't know if I can do it. Or should do it! I have a right to have other priorities in my life right now, after all. Things change. I was not registered for more schooling a few months ago, nor did I have to plan to be. We were not considering moving a few months ago. Now we'll be packing and selling and moving (hopefully) within months from now. I was not tutoring part time a few months ago. Now I have four hours of tutoring each week, not to mention travel time and preparation time (as I have to come up with and record learning plans and curriculum for my students). It all takes, and will take, an incredible amount of time. It is overwhelming. 

See, despite being out of a full time job, I am nonetheless very busy. Not to mention the stress of knowing my unemployment compensation will come to an end before my teaching certificate is achieved and, anyway, I am required to continue my job search in order to receive benefits even though half the country is unemployed at this point and therefore going for all the same jobs I'm going for. It is extremely hard to not have the attitude, "well, I haven't been able to find a full time job yet, and now that everyone else is unemployed and applying for these same jobs, now I REALLY won't find anything, so why even bother?" But I must.

Short and sweet - I'm stressed. I can't find the time to do what I want or need to do, yet I know how important (and necessary) it is that I do find the time to improve my employment situation in the middle of all this. 

So ANYWAY, back to the newsletter - I feel I both have a choice to make regarding this church newsletter business and do not have a choice to make because it's far too late to change the decision I made months ago under different life circumstances. 

There are far more choices I'm faced with currently, all of which are adding piles of stress on my shoulders. I am one big mixture of confusion, indecision, obsession, worry and dreams of escaping. But, of course I need to work it all out. I need to find the way. I need to do what is right for my family. And, really, I need to realize the importance of doing what's right for me alone...

In that, I have no choice.

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