Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Reality Bites...

... except for this first tidbit...

We just got back from the school Holiday Concert at Sweetie's school. So, so cute! The curtain opened up and Sweetie was dead center in the middle of all her classmates, 1 or 2 risers up. She was very obviously searching all over for us, which made her usually exuberant personality quite a bit toned down and even worried. You could especially tell during the first part of their first song that she was far too concerned about where her parents and grandparents were in the audience than about actually singing the song.

And then... she found us. About 2/3 of the way back on the left hand side.

In the middle of the song:

Hi Mom! Hi Dad!

Accompanied by excited waving.

Ah! Now the party could begin!

On with the excited Sweetie. On with the silly dramatics. On with the show!

Very, very cute. :)


So anyway, yeah - reality bites.

Okay, perhaps "bites" isn't the right word. Let's just say that the reality of certain things is becoming way, way too real.

I've registered for the abcte exams in order to gain teacher certification. I've been paired up with a mentor who advises me on what resources to use and what course of action to take in order to best prepare for these exams. She's set up a Study Plan for me, including a time line and many, many books, practice tests, etc. 

It. Is. A. Lot. A lot. Really... A lot.

Not that I didn't think it would be. I knew it was going to be a major commitment in terms of my time, energy and abilities. A test of my abilities. A strengthening of my abilities. A lot of work.

I had even been prepared that, on average, a person usually studies about 20 hours a week or more - for several months (usually about 6 to 12) in order to finally feel confident enough to take the exams. 

I had seen an example of what a Study Plan looks like.

Still. To see it all laid out there in front of me? Whoa. This is real. Very, very real.

So there's that...



Next Friday I'm going to the hospital to get set up for a 24-48 hour ambulatory EEG test. For reasons I could write a whole, long post about - but don't feel like getting into right now because of the late hour - I need to be tested to see if certain spells I've been having lately (actually, for awhile now) mean that I'm having seizures again. And, if not seizures, then what the heck is going on with me? 

I'm not sure that this test will be able to say what is wrong if it turns out not to be seizure related. I think it will just, possibly, rule out seizures (if that's the case) and I'll be told I now need even further testing to figure out more about the source of my spells.

My neurologist told me sometime late summer/early fall that she wanted me to have this test. But I told her about my awful insurance (I've got really high deductibles) and that, for financial reasons (I'd basically have to pay out of pocket for the test even with my insurance), I just didn't want to schedule it quite yet.

Then, of course, I kept having my spells and I went back to my neurologist. Again with the wanting to test me. But this time I whole heartedly agreed - yes, I need to find out what's going on.

I scheduled the exam. Then, 2 days before I was to go, I cancelled. I convinced myself that my problems were anxiety related (that was one option my neurologist suggested as a source at my last appointment with her). I noticed that I would have a spell when I was particularly stressed or worried... among other times as well. Not that I've ever felt particularly anxious about anything - but I thought that, perhaps, I really was anxious and these episodes were the means by which my anxiety was expressing itself.

Once I came to that self-diagnosing conclusion and cancelled the test, I actually had a 2 or 3 week stretch were I was all good again. Or at least much, much better. See?! Anxiety! A particularly stressful situation happened to be over for me about this time and I was making a special note to eat really, really well (I usually don't eat very much at all. Not because it's a conscious decision. Just, I don't know. Life gets in the way of me realizing that, hey!, I'm hungry right now). 

Blah, blah, blah... yada, yada, yada.... I now have the test scheduled again for next Friday. (Oh, and another reason I cancelled the December test was because of my ridiculously high deductible on my insurance. If I had the test in Dec., I'd be personally charged the whole amount of the test. Then, come January when it's deemed that even more tests need to be done, I'd be stuck with huge bills again because it's a brand new year with huge deductibles kicking in fresh again.)

This time, I will absolutely not cancel. Something is not right with me and I need to find out what it is. I just think that - like I said - this test will show that it's not seizure related and I'll just have to go in for more testing (I'm on seizure meds and they're not stopping or decreating the frequency of my episodes). More waiting. Ugh.

But at least now I am on the direct path to helping myself find out the problem. Sooner or later, an answer will be found. I'm glad, and relieved, that an answer is - somehow, sometime - on its way.

Anyway - yeah... reality bites. Wondering what my problem is (ha, ha... no mean jokes, please). Wondering if something really, really wrong is going on with me. Worrying that this may not be figured out as quickly as I'd like it to be. It just all... bites. Ya know? Yah.

So... that's it. I'm knee deep in getting my game plan for school all up and going. And I'm knee deep in figuring out what's going on with my head... and hoping to get it all fixed as quickly as I can.

Reality bites. Yep - maybe that is the right word after all.

No comments: