Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Half _______

Ugh. I'm feeling like I've got a lot on my plate this month. It's probably not all that bad, but just how I'm feeling in this stressed-out moment.

I'm feeling too busy to even post anything extensive here! Which is ultimately fine - in a world where real-life stuff is keeping me occupied, I suppose it's quite alright to let this blog slide just a wee bit. Still, I really do consider my writing here to be at least one of my priorities.

I think what's getting to me most these days is that I feel like none of the things I'm doing, I'm doing with my full attention on board. I feel, all at once, that I could be doing so much more at the same time that I'm more or less overwhelmed with what I'm doing already.

I'm home most every day, all day - yet the house is not at all tidy. Why can't I get it looking spotless? There's no good excuse.

I continue my job search. I search, and apply, everyday. But I've got nothing yet. I keep holding on to "all good things come to those who wait/something wonderful is out there and will present itself to me when I'm most ready for it." I also think about how I'll be taking the Praxis II exam this weekend and, after passing that, so many more education-related opportunities will be open to me. Still - the fact remains - I'm still jobless. I must be doing something wrong - or at least not as well as I could be.

As for that Praxis exam, I have studied a bit. I bought a practice study test/guide and have gone through it and taken the practice test. But I'm in no way freaking out about the test or over-studying/worrying. I guess I figure I know what I know, I'm pretty sure I know enough to pass the test, and that'll be good enough. But maybe I should be pouring over all my old college notes and grammar/literature books. I could, of course, do better on the test if I studied more. Yet I'm acting as if all I need to do is simply pass the test - with whatever passing grade I happen to get - and that'll be fine. Not the best attitude, I suppose.

I feel like I've gotten so far in all the different job interview opportunities I've found myself in. In fact, I'm still waiting to here if a decision has been made for the job I interviewed for about a month ago. I personally feel like I've done really well in each of the discussions I've had with different employers. But yet - nothing. I've been told a couple times that I was the second choice person. But second place doesn't help me. I need first place in this job-hunt race. What am I doing - or not doing - to get that first place position?

I still feel bad about the time I spend - or don't spend - with Sweetie when she's home from school. I feel like I'm always either on the computer, doing dishes, folding laundry, or trying to work on some holiday gifts/crafts. Sweetie wants to play and I have to tell her I can't for whatever various reason. While she eats lunch at the dining room table, I'm cleaning up in the kitchen. I tell her to go play on her own in her room for awhile or watch T.V. upstairs while I do some computer work. I don't feel like I'm as "here" for her as I should be, considering that I am physically "here" for her.

In short I just feel like I'm doing a whole lot of things half-tushied (sorry - I'm not one to curse. Even a little curse like the one needed in that phrase. See?! I can't even express myself fully appropriately!). So many things going on and none of them getting done the way they should be. 

I have an interview today (is it an interview?) with another employment agency. I'm actually not looking forward to it - not sure why. Maybe I feel like, at this point, even agencies aren't going to find me anything. One agency I'm supposedly signed up with - since June! - has presented me with absolutely nothing. NOTHING! And the other agency has given me 3 or 4 opportunities to try for, which has been great. But then again - those are the jobs where I've presented myself well, but not well enough to actually land the job. I'm feeling dejected, I suppose.

Everything I'm doing is important in it's own right. But no matter what project/activity I find myself doing at any given time, I feel like I should be devoting that time to some other, apparently more important, activity right then. It's a never-ending cycle of feeling not good enough. Yuck.

Anyway - I should get going. I've got to pick Sweetie up from school soon. Maybe if I sign off now I can get one more chore done before she's here. 

At least half way done, anyway...

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