Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The Sisterhood of the Unraveling Pants*

* Warning: Pure fluff ahead. I don't know about you, but after the day I've had, I could use a bit of fluff.

I own eight pairs of pants. Additionally, I have several pairs of jeans, shorts and capris. But for the purposes of this post, we'll only focus on the eight pairs of business-casual pants that I have to chose from for my daily work wear.

1) My light tan pants: The ones I wore today. They fit me well and are in good repair. They're fine.

2) My black pants: I love the way these look on me. They're great! But - they're maternity pants. Yes, that's right. Maternity pants. Here's me - skinny-as-anything me - sportin' around town in my fancy pants maternity wear. And of course, since they are maternity, they have a weird thing going on at the waistband. Functional and practical during pregnancy. Not so much useful or attractive when not pregnant. So much so that I can't possible even consider wearing tucked in shirts with these pants. Instead I have to wear loose fitting tops that don't draw attention to the strangely bulging waist. Plus, I think there's a small hole in them somewhere.

3) My dark green pants: Pretty much all of my pants have to be hemmed. I'm short - abnormally so. At least, not proportionally so. Comes with the territory of having spina bifida. So even petite pants have to get a good chuck cut off and stitched up. My dark green pants are no exception. Trouble is, these were hemmed just a wee bit too short. Plus, they're an odd sort of material that at first felt smooth, but now feel - tacky. Kinda hard to explain actually - just suffice it to say, they don't feel good to the touch or look good in the length.

4) My olive green cargo pants: These are about two sizes too big for me. They're all-over baggy and I absolutely must wear a belt with them or else the public will definitely be getting more than they bargained for when they see me walking down the street.

5) My blue pants: Now these? These, if anything, are too tight on me. They're an awesomely comfy pair of pants that kind of feel like I'm wearing sweats, but I look much more put together than that in them. But, like I said, they're a tad tight in the waist. Oddly enough, I think they also look a bit baggy on me. I don't know. I've never actually studied myself in them. Is it even possible to have pants with a snug waistline but baggy everywhere else? If so, I've got 'em right here.

6) My brown pants: These pants definitely look baggy on me. Or maybe it's just that they're constantly twisty on me and therefore always look wrong. They also have a side zipper that, when the pants are not on me, zips up just fine - smooth as butter. But once I have them on, the zipper simply will not budge past the midpoint. They stay on just fine. And they did once zip up all the way. I certainly haven't gained weight since purchasing these pants. So I don't know what their non-zipping deal is. All I know is that they're another pair that I can't wear tucked-in shirts with. Hey - you're zipper isn't zipped, Lady! Nope - don't wanna hear it. Also, the hem is letting out and needs to be restitched.

7) My other brown pants with red and white pinstripes: Another side zipper pair that will not zip up past a certain point once on my body. But these are a degree or two worse than the previously mentioned brown pants in that I pretty much have to pray to the Zipper Gods every single time I adjust my pants each day. Oh, please, please, PLEASE, with sugar on top, please zip up! I don't think my boss would happily accept my pitiful excuse of: Sorry I can't come out of the bathroom to work for the rest of the day - my pants won't stay up.

8) My corally/red pants: I love these pants! They're an odd sort of color that's not really red/not really orange. Okay, I guess you'd call them Nantucket red. It's a good color that goes surprisingly well with many different colors. But, they too are about one-and-a-half sizes too big for me. And the button is thisclose to falling off. Yes, I could sew it back on. I could even be preemptive about things and re-secure the button before it makes it's escape. But, I know I won't.

Instead, for now, I just sit and wait. and (not so silently) complain about my sorry collection of pants. Woe is me.

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