Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Obsessive/Compulsive Personality

I can get completely obsessive.

I've been trying to fight a particular bad habit for a very. long. time. I have had bouts of successful "time outs" from this habit, but ultimately I have not yet had a totally successful complete break.

I have one glass of wine each evening. Just enough to make me happily buzzed - wanting a second glass - but still keeping me "with it" enough to know I really should not have any more.

I've always been one to get stuck on particular ideas - the way I "know" things "must" be - and then, when they don't work out that way, I feel totally crushed.

While I do like a challenge, I don't take too terribly well to change. My favorite day of the week back at my old job was Fridays - always completely insane, work-wise, but also really predictable in how the basic layout of the day and my duties would present themselves.

I know myself to be so totally capable of setting myself in front of the computer screen for hours on end, seeking and searching and hunting and pecking for just one more employment option that I'm positive must be out there waiting for me. And I do NOT like that "me". Nor does Hubby or Sweetie - nor would anyone else who would be subjected to my manic stresses, worries and aggravations, I'm sure. So I simply don't allow myself to go there. I search in the morning, apply to one, two, three or possibly more places. I check back in occasionally throughout the day, noting places of interest that I'll get back to at a quieter moment. Maybe a day or two will pass by without any promising leads. I don't dwell on it. I look forward to the next day's potential. And I continue on with my day.

And while I don't feel I'm always very good about keeping others' feelings and needs in mind, I do get really quite sensitive about how others perceive me. Especially people I love, respect, and/or otherwise want to be seen in a good light by.

I mean, I can get really, really hung up on someone's most-likely perfectly harmless (in their eyes) comment or glance in my direction because I just "know" that, for whatever reason, I've "obviously" just said or done (or not said or done) something they "obviously" disagree with. And it bugs me for the rest of the day. Into the night. And beyond - until something else rattles my brain the wrong way.

I don't like this about myself, as I'm sure you can understand. And of course I realize that almost everyone has some degree of the same hang up going on within themselves. No one likes to be thought of as less than strong/great/hardworking/with it/ready, willing and able. I don't know anyone who loves being held up to other peoples' standards, with people not seemingly understanding how you can think,feel, and act one way when you should, of course, be thinking, feeling and acting another way.

Still - this is who I am. I obsess. I am capable of acting compulsively. It's not the ideal way to be, by any means, but it's my way to be. I say, at least I recognize these traits in myself and I do what I can to not indulge (too much) in emotionally draining actions and thoughts.

So - a note to all - if you see me acting all calm, cool and collected, like everything is so totally wonderful and life is good and no worries exist for me and/or my family at all - just know that I am working hard to make that ruse a reality. I am doing what I need to do to secure a stable career life and a stable family life.

And the best way I know to achieve all that is to secure a stable ME.

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