On the other hand, I try to enjoy my days with Sweetie. We go on play dates. We watch videos. We play games. We read. We're getting ready for her party. We tend to Daddy's veggie garden. We visit Nana. We rest, relax and have fun. It's been great to be with Sweetie so much - I really treasure this time with her.
However - there's the continually nagging "thing" fighting it out in my brain...
When I'm on the computer job hunting, and Sweetie wants to play with me or use the computer herself, I either get snappy with her - Mommy's trying to find a job! Go play something on your own! - or I feel neglectful of her - turning my head around to see her zoning out at the T.V. or "reading" her books to herself while I stare at the computer screen (both she and I know she's perfectly capable of actually reading to herself, but I know she's just going through the motions - not exercising her reading skills at these times as she claims she is).
Then, when I'm playing with her, I feel like I really ought to get back to the job hunt. Surely a new position or two has been posted at craigslist.com in the last 30 minutes! Maybe I should look again at monster.com using different search words. Or, ya know, it would really prove how interested I am in this particular job if I wrote a follow up email to the company, asking how the hiring process is moving along.
Oh! But then! It gets better! On the third hand (yes, I have three hands. Maybe more - we'll see how this proceeds...), I do have a healthy amount of faith in the Universe. I do prescribe to The Secret. I've known The Law of Attraction to work in my own life as well as the lives of my friends and family. Heck, I even believe in magical spells! Simply put, I know great things can and will come to you if you ask, believe, and let go.
I've asked. I believe! And I've let it go...
.... to an extent.
See, it's difficult to find that right balance of actively searching and working and focusing on a goal (finding a job... a good job... a fulfilling job), while at the same time simply believing that it will come to me.
That's the part of The Secret I've never quite been able to wrap my brain around. Just how do you give yourself up to the Universe while at the same time truly working toward your goals?
I know, for instance, that I can't just believe I'm a multi-millionaire and - poof! - tomorrow a check will arrive in my mail. I know the key is to not only believe something to be true but also to surround yourself with people and situations that will help you to realize your dreams. (that may not be precisely what one is "supposed to" do - but it's my interpretation of The Laws of Attraction). If you work hard, connect with the right people, and put yourself out there into the world, sooner or later, that prosperity will find its way into your life.
At the same time - as I understand it - there's something to that "letting it go" mentality. I think that's where I get most hung up.
For instance, I say I'm giving myself up to the Universe - wherein I'm supposed to truly let the situation go and trust good will come from it. And I honestly believe this will work! But then I'll think about how maybe this upcoming meeting I have with someone will lead to the realization of my career goals. Or I'll concoct a whole experience in my mind where I'll find myself at the coffee shop, for instance, and maybe I'll run into an old acquaintance, and we'll talk, and somehow that will lead to a great, job-related, end result for me!
Phew! See? I feel I can believe all I want in The Secret, but get scared that if I'm not "doing it right", then it won't work at all.
So... that said... maybe I am doing things the "right" way. I am actively job hunting. I have made and continue to make connections via word-of-mouth and/or friend-of-a-friend networking. I'm doing what I can to find companies that are most likely to find me not only interesting but also, certainly, entirely capable of performing well in any job they may have open.
And I continue to say "prayers". To believe that whatever is meant to happen will happen, no matter what. To understand that however disappointing or disconcerting a current situation may look, the Universe will ultimately turn things around so that my dreams can, and will, flourish.
But right now? I gotta go. Sweetie and I have a date with some friends, a playground, and the sunshine.
The Universe is a beautiful, awesome place. And I'm determined to enjoy it and its offerings in any way I can.