.... Like last night, for instance... So much for all my recent talk of dreams and goals and positive vibes, etc., etc., etc.... Last night I was, for a brief time, downright somber.
For one thing, our dear little Sweetie has been driving me up a wall! Screaming bloody murder one minute when she accidently pushes the "stop" button on the DVD remote instead of "pause" (Good Lord, girl! Get a grip, don't freak out, and do ASK. FOR. HELP. Despite what you obviously know to be true in the depths of your soul, I promise you that the earth will not end simply because the wrong button was pushed!). And then quickly brushing herself off when nearly careening headlong into the corner of a large cabinet (no injury was sustained to the Sweetie in the making of this exercise regarding The Dangers of Too Much Sugar combined with Fast, BeSocked Slippy Sliding on A Tile Floor in front of a Sharp, but Not Hot, Wood Stove - but it was a close call). Not to mention her repetitive speech (Mama, watch this! Mama, did you see that? Mama, I know I've already told you ONE THOUSAND TIMES but you didn't answer me, so I'm going to say it AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN until you do respond. And, NO, I will NOT strive for economy of words, woman! I LOVE words! I love FANCY words! And I will use as many as I see fit to describe every minute action I make, have made, or am even considering making in the future. Got it?).
But! The fun doesn't stop there!
Then there's my on-going, deep-seated angst - feeling like I'm spending way too much time in front of the computer screen searching for EMPLOYMENT and BENEFITS and FAMILY SECURITY, and not nearly enough time interacting with Sweetie. Seriously, for ever 30 minutes I spend playing a game with her or reading with her, I know that works out to about 90 minutes more that I'm basically ignoring her while I work at the computer.* And, no, it's not like Sweetie SEEMS to be adversely affected because of my blatant ignorance of her. But then she has to go and tell me at bedtime the other night - Oh, Mama, because you were so busy today and couldn't play with me, I forgot to tell you something....
Sure, Sweetie. Go ahead and make your mother cry guilty tears*. That's what daughters are for, after all, right? Daddy and I have only got huge bills to pay with my NO JOB, not to mention a car that's hanging on for dear life and a house that's crying out for some new parts, etc., etc., etc...
And, yes, I KNOW. It doesn't take an Einstein to figure out that maybe, just maybe, Sweetie is overdramatizing and so attention hungry because - DUH - her Mama is not providing the quality, at home, mother/daughter time she so desperately wants and needs.*
But, YOU KNOW! I TOTALLY need a JOB! Like, getting SCARY need a job! Did you know it's already JULY, people? Try as I might - and gosh darn it, I AM trying - with every passing day I'm finding it more and more difficult to keep my cool, to believe, and to be confident. My resume goes out, and rejection notices flood in. It's not a happy game.
Still - I've not completely fallen yet. I DO have a very interesting, very exciting and challenging freelance job I'm currently working on. I LOVE this work! The work for that job will start to get busier come the end of this month and into the next. I know I'll do well with it and enjoy the whole experience.
So really, for the most part, I'm still right in there, still hanging on, still KNOWING that SOMETHING CONCRETE and RELIABLE is out there for me and it WILL be found...
But there are times, like last night, that things just seem so NOT RIGHT....
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*FYI - I wrote this post, as I write most of my posts, the night before publishing, after Sweetie is in bed. So at least she's not "left on her own" while I fritter away at my blllaaaawwwgggg!
*No, Sweetie didn't really make me cry. But her off-handed comment did catch my attention and make me stop and think...
* Also a possible reason for Sweetie's irrational outbursts? Uhhhh.... I'm just a wee bit overdramatic at times too.... If you didn't already know that/couldn't figure it out on your own...
Breath....
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