Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Just A Chance That Maybe I'll Find Better Days

I'm feeling mopey. And over-sensitive. And unsure. I'm feeling just plain "not right".

I just started posting here again, after about a 6 week break. I knowingly skipped one week where I was supposed to write, and then I just never turned back.

I post very regularly over here, but after looking at the majority of those posts, it seems I use that forum as my main place to complain about my aches and pains.

And right here... I don't know. I feel like all my posts can be categorized in 1 of 4 groupings: boasts, phonily inspirational, complaints, or pure fluff. 

I feel like I'm constantly talking about how amazing (or irritating) Sweetie is. If I'm not doing that, I feel like I'm trying to boost my own spirits - not very successfully - as I continue my job search, telling myself I'm doing all I can to find something, that we're okay, that something great will come around in time when, in reality, who the heck knows? This is very stressful and difficult and agonizing, no matter what kind of spin I try to throw on it.

Which brings me to my "complaint" posts. Sweetie annoys me, the house annoys me, the job hunt annoys me - lots of things are "getting" to me. As I said, I write most of my body complaints over here. And there's a lot of that. I never meant for my Disaboom blog to turn into Complaint World. But there you go. It is what it is.

So when I get sick of the complaining, and I know that I've talked too much about Sweetie's abilities, and I'm not feeling particularly inspired about life in general, and the thought of writing a "pity party post" just makes me sick.... well, I bring out the fluff. Silly pictures, silly conversations, none of it very noteworthy or remarkable at all.

Blogs, by nature, are very egotistical. I know that. This is my space to write what I want. All about me, all about Sweetie, whatever I want to say regarding anything because this is my space.

But I also do try really hard to think about what my readers come here to read. I want what I put out here to be informative or entertaining or interesting - or some combination of all of that. I pretty much think of my blogging as a type of job - on certain days I have to write because that's what I do. Whether or not I have something awesome to share, I'll write regardless. (NOTE: Hubby thinks it's ridiculous when I occasionally post entries that basically say, "sorry - I don't feel like writing today." Just don't write!, he says. But I can't do that. Y'all expect certain things from this blog and I aim to please - one way or another.)

And that's the thing. Not to get all "pity party"-ish on you, but I don't feel like I've been giving you what you deserve lately. I feel too hung up on my own life - with its stresses and waiting and wondering, and managing - to write much more than just that.

And I know you don't need any of that.

Sweetie and I toggle all day long for computer time. When Hubby's here, his own computer needs and wants are thrown into the mix. One or two of us are constantly faced with the other family member's back turned to us as they type away at the keyboard or click the mouse. I know Sweetie only "demands" her own extended computer time because she sees how much time Daddy and I spend sitting at this uncomfortable desk.

I think what I'm saying is that I need another self-imposed blogging vacation. It's that vacation time of year, after all. I think I'll join in with the trend. This will be a wonderful opportunity to be more fully with my Sweetie before school starts for her.

I'll not stop writing here, as I actually get paid for sharing my posts with the world at that site. And here I only write once every other week anyway - so that's no big deal. But here - I'll see you later. Probably in a week. Definitely after some of the major things I'm waiting to happen for my family actually happen. Once things are a bit more settled and regular, I know I'll feel a lot more at ease about coming back to write great things.

Thanks for understanding. I need this time away. But I'll be back - better than ever.

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