Monday, August 25, 2008

Mama Monday #37.1

Theme: Words

I've been feeling mopey, over-sensitive and unsure. Something just wasn't right, but I couldn't pinpoint what exactly it was.

Then, late last week after yet another day of high emotions and super sensitivity - it hit me. 

Words. They're not working for me lately. Not at all.

Not to get into all sorts of specifics, but suffice it to say that I've not been able to effectively express myself very well with the written word over the last few months. I could point to several specific examples for you. But I won't. I don't wish to revisit these awkward, embarrassing and downright painful places in my recent history. Sorry.

But after this most recent situation late last week, something clicked...

Yes, I was feeling embarrassed and over-sensitive - even angry! - about how others were both misinterpreting my words and insisting that their words were more correct. But at the same time, I made the connection of how my carefully chosen words, in different situations, had been misinterpreted by others, thus causing them ample amounts of embarrassment, sensitivity and anger.

I got the message. And I didn't like it. I felt bad. But at least, finally, I understood. And could start to move on.

Sorry. I know I'm not using my word effectively here either, as I'm not letting you in on what's transpired for me - how exactly my words have gotten me in trouble lately. A lot of it has to do with People First Language (if you're keeping score, I'm not currently an ardent supporter of its use - rather, the militant extreme use I feel some users push). And a lot just has to do with living and learning. Learning how to keep things short, sweet and to the point. 

Anyway... words. They've done me wrong lately and - in some of the cases - it's my own dang fault. So, realizing that misconnection I've experienced - how does someone who considers herself to be a writer move on and, you know, start to write again? How does she get out there and continue to feel strong about her abilities? How does she move past all the heavy drama and misunderstandings and everything and get to a place where she believes in her strengths again? How can she not be afraid of being misunderstood again and again and again?

Well.... I'm not entirely sure. But I suppose she just gets out there and does what she hasn't done too much of recently. She just writes. She does what she loves - what she's always loved - and she hopes for the best. She aims to expresses her emotions, thoughts, ideas and dreams with as much passion, humor and commitment as she always has. And she waits for her readers' reactions - hoping most of them "get" her, connect with her, and gain comfort, entertainment and/or information from her. Hoping her readers feel some sort of emotional connection - good or bad/right or wrong - from the words she's chosen to express her thoughts and herself. 

Hey - I may not always choose the "right" words in terms of what others are searching for in their own ideals. But I will tell you this - I choose my written words as carefully as I can and am almost always satisfied with the manner in which I express myself. 

Even now. Even after the last few month. I know myself and what I'm after. If you don't "get" it - fine. I cannot control what others think, feel or believe.

But at least I can make you feel... something.

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