One of the things I always remind myself is that it's rather pointless to be embarrassed about anything. I mean, the only valid reason you'd have to be embarrassed is if you knew for sure that just one person was at home talking or thinking about your supposedly embarrassing act. If you knew for sure that someone truly was recounting the story, and laughing at your expense - then you have the right to be embarrassed. But otherwise - not at all.
My point is, I can pretty much say for certain that, even if I do something incredibly dumb, odds are that not one witness is thinking about it hours later. They've moved on and so should I. The end.
This is a way of thinking that has saved my sanity on more than a few occasions. I've been comforted by the fact that no one thinks what I've done is as big a deal as I do. As far as they're concerned, I don't even rate as existing.
So why am I, lately, coming up with more and more personal situations that are sitting me on the brink of embarrassment? My Pinot Party birthday party, for instance - did I have too much to drink and say really crazy things? I'm sure I was fine - I'm just, for some reason, feeling a bit self conscious about the whole thing. Or my wine tasting parties. No, I'm not drinking enough to make me lose my head. But because of my naturally shy ways, I inevitably end up doubting my words and actions after the fact, wondering if I ended up sounding dumb or unclear.
On the other hand, sometimes I feel absolutely invisible - and it makes me frustrated. Mostly this happens when I send emails, asking pointed questions, and I never hear back from the person. I need to be in contact with said person to make plans or move a certain situation along. I guess I feel that, since I personally am aware of my email actvities on at least an hourly basis every single day, that the person I'm writing to should also be keeping close tabs on their electronic correspondences.
Yes, if I'm that desperate, I should just pick up the stinkin' phone. And I would. But in most of these cases, I find, I'm trying to talk to someone I don't have a phone number for. Ugh! So, so frustrating. Did they even get my email?! Did they accidentlily delete it? Did they delete it on purpose? Or are the just taking their time with getting back to me? Oh, the possibilities!
Even this here blog can make me feel lonely. As if I'm talking to no one. What selfish pity parties I'm capable of hosting for myself when I write what I think is a particularly funny/moving/important/discussion-worthy post, and yet I get no comments!
But sometimes, out of all the doubts, all the miscommunications, all the silly little things that are said and passed over, there are the few and mighty who do hear.
I used to hear from new readers on a semi-regular basis. But in the last several months, those emails have dropped off considerably.
But now - within the last month or so I've heard from two new readers. Both gentlemen. Both with personal stories of how spina bifida affects their lives and/or the lives of those around them. And both with very nice, encouraging, heart-warming messages. They found my blog and it made them smile, made them feel proud, made them feel connected across the miles. Made them feel as if someone were listening, and writing, for them.
At least that's how I take their kind words. I don't mean to put words in their - or anybody's - mouths. But rather, I'm expressing what I've taken from their emails. How good they've made me feel. Like I truly am doing something worthwhile with this silly little blog. That, even in my simplest "mommy blogger" posts - I am saying something unique and important about my particular experience as a disabled mom with spina bifida.
So - thank you to all who read me. I absolutely love to hear from you, either through comments or through personal emails. But even if you choose to simply lurk - I want you to know how much I appreciate your audience. I know that, for every 1 or 2 emails or comments I receive, there are maybe even hundreds others of you who are touched by my blog as well.
Not that I want to sound like I think I'm some big shot, important Writer with an all-encompassing impressive message for the world. I'm just little ol' Amy writing my little ol' blog. I'm fully aware of that.
It's just nice to know, when you're starting to feel a little bit lost, that there are people out there in the world who've found you, who hear you, who can relate to you, and who care.
Hmmmmm. Makes a girl feel kind of special, that's all.